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Jesus is the way,
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Chapter 1 -

Show approval!

 

 

 

 

CHANGE YOURSELF!

 

When the children of a family have behavior problems and disorders, it is very normal for us to look for reasons merely in the children. The bad behavior may make us think that the child is "naughty",  "a problem child", "disturbed", or "inadaptable", but we do not search at all for what has caused this kind of behavior; in other words, we concentrate only on the consequences, on the unsuitable behavior we’re seeing at that moment, but we do not understand the causes of the behavior.

   We should note, however, that children’s bad behavior is often only a symptom of something else. It can be a symptom of parental neglect. Perhaps the cause is parents’ distraction and indifference, the fact that they have not spent enough time with their children or shown interest in their children, or may be that the parents have been quarrelling with each other (a very common reason for behavior problems), which has caused their children to rebel and be difficult. Or perhaps they have done their best, but the child feels that his emotional needs are not being met. Perhaps his "battery of emotional life" – the next quote talks about this – has not been recharged and this has caused the different kinds of symptoms:

 

Another important issue the parents should understand is that children have a certain kind of battery of emotional life. This battery is naturally imagined, but still very real. Every child has emotional needs, and a lot depends on these emotional needs being satisfied (by loving, understanding, directing and so on). Firstly, meeting of these needs affects how the child feels: is he content, angry, depressed, happy. Secondly, it affects his behavior: is he obedient, disobedient, whimpering, alert, does he play or step aside. The fuller the battery is, the more favorable feelings and better behavior.

   Now comes one of the most important sentences of this book. We can expect that it is easiest to get along with a child and he will develop in the best way possible when his emotional battery is full. Who is responsible for this battery being full? The parents. The behavior of a child shows how empty or full his battery is... (1)

 

How can we address this problem – bad behavior that arises because a child does not feel he has parents’ approval? We should note that this should not be started the wrong way, with discipline. These kinds of problems will not go away by increasing discipline (except in small children: it can be effective for a period of time), or by shouting and threatening the child. We must address the primary cause first. Punishment in this situation can actually worsen the situation, because the parents are punishing children for expressing anger about injuries that are most frequently caused by the parents!

   Therefore, we should understand that addressing the situation always starts with taking care of the relationship not through discipline – which only addresses the consequences – but by uncovering the basic problem itself. The parents must start by showing their interest, attention and sympathy towards their children. If the reason for the bad behavior is a lack of a loving bond, this must first be redressed in order to progress. Many behavior problems disappear when parents start to pay positive attention to the children.

   The next quote refers to a similar situation. It describes a very typical case: the relationship between siblings in a family. Often just the child who gets the least favorable attention from his parents behaves like a “naughty" child:

 

When I think about the significance of those three words, I remember a certain home. In the family, there were three boys. The oldest one studied in an esteemed college, and he dropped fancy words the whole supper. The youngest one was a funny guy who reminded me of Huckleberry Finn. And then there was the middle son.

   The middle one was 12 years old and very difficult. He moped in the morning and moped in the evening and didn’t get along with anybody. I was visiting the family on a sermon journey, and this boy embarrassed his parents time after time. The parents tried to silence him, but did not succeed.

   When the boys rose from the table after the dinner, the father said to me, "Do you see our problem?”

   "I don't," I answered stupidly.

   "The middle one.”

   "So," I answered, ”He is in a difficult situation. He has to live between two extremities. The big brother is clever in speech and the little brother charms all. But when compared with his brothers he is as interesting as unsalted mashed potatoes. He is at such an age. That is why he tries to get attention by his tricks.”

   I gave the parents a little time to consider this, and then continued, "Do you ever say to this boy that you love him?”

   "Well... We haven't gotten used to such," they answered.

   "I don't mean that you should start being soft in front of his pals. But it is important to learn to say it to a child. You should both every day tell him in understandable words that you love him. It can be done in many ways. You can, for example, at bedtime sit on the edge of his bed and say, ‘I have considered that if all 12-year-old boys of the town were to line up, I would take you from that line. I want to tell you something: I love you.' He will have nothing against that, I can assure you. Make up every day some way to tell it to him.”

   After two or three months, I got a letter from these parents, "Jay, thank you, thank you. Your words were of much help. The boy has changed.” (2)

 

MEETING NEEDS OF EMOTIONAL LIFE

 

When we know that children need approval and that often their bad behavior comes from the lack of it, the next question is how these needs can be met. Is there any special means, which parents can use and by which they can try to pay attention and interest towards their children? We will try to answer this below.

 

YOU NEED LOVE!

 

- (1 Cor 13:2,4) ... and have not charity, I am nothing.

4 Charity suffers long, and is kind; charity envies not; charity braggs not itself, is not puffed up,

 

- (Tit 2:4) That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

 

- (1 Thess 2:7,11) But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherishes her children:

11   As you know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father does his children

 

The first issue to which attention should be paid is whether we have love towards children. Certainly, the most important thing when living with children is that the parents have a friendly and fond basic attitude towards their children – in other words an attitude with which they try to show these children that they are accepted as they are; the same attitude God has towards us, in other words a sympathetic and loving attitude. Only in this kind of atmosphere is it nice and good for children to live:

 

- (Luke 6:36) Be you therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

 

- (Col 3:12) Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long-suffering;

 

If the attitude is cold and loveless, however – which can mean also cold looks, tone of voice, constant irritability and impatience towards the children (children often very easily perceive our innermost attitudes and irritability even though we try to cover them) – we can get help as well. The Bible indicates very clearly that, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.” (Luke 18:27). This means that if you yourself do not have love and other good qualities, God can bring about the thing of which you are incapable. This all is possible through the Holy Spirit, who lives in us when we have received Christ into our lives. If you, therefore, turn to God and Christ, this can come true also in your life:

 

- (Rom 5:5) And hope makes not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us.

 

- (Phil 2:13) For it is God which works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

 

GIVING TIME

 

Giving of time and showing undivided attention to children is one of the most important ways to show approval. Whenever parents reserve time for their children, play, do many sorts of things, and have fun with them or, for example, read to small children, it is a clear indication of them being interested in their children. It indicates to every child that he has an important position in the parents’ order of importance. This spending time with and showing attention to children cannot be replaced by all kinds of things and gifts, with which parents often try in vain to compensate the fact that they spend so little time with their children. Those things cannot replace one’s undivided attention:

 

One of the most affective letters I have ever received came from a seven-year-old girl whose father had died when she was five years old:

   Mother has gotten over it surprising well, and I am enormously proud of her. However, sometimes I am sad when I think what I was not able to experience, especially when I hear other fathers speaking about important moments with their family. But God is my Father and if my own father lived, he would be a great father. Most of all I’m angry with those fathers who have made a choice of not spending time with their children. (3)

 

However, it is good to note that giving time to children does not always need to mean playing games with them. It can also mean that the parents are only there when the children themselves play or do something – the parent can, for example, read a book close to child. It can also mean that the parent simply takes children along when he or she is doing his or her chores, hobbies, anything that would need to be done anyway (cleaning, shopping, driving the car, cooking, fishing, going on a trip, hobbies, housework, etc). In this way, togetherness often takes place in a more natural way.

 

HOLDING AND TOUCHING

 

If we are seeking simple ways in which parents can pay attention to their children, there are physical signs of affection, such as holding, safe touching, hugging, tousling of the child’s hair and kissing. These are all quite simple actions, but often the parents do not understand their value. They do not understand that by these means they can promote their children’s emotional life and mental health. They can confirm the child’s feeling of security, create a close feeling between the child and adult, and especially be a strong basis for future relations – they can be a good preparation for it.

   These small expressions of attention and attachment should not be limited only to the necessary, such as dressing and undressing or moving the child from one place to another: we should use them at other times as well. These are especially important with children under the age of ten, but can also be used later. Excessive hugging and grabbing can, of course, be embarrassing to an adolescent, but in some situations – for example, departure to or return from a journey, or when the young person has experienced some joyful or sad event and shares the experience – a hug, kiss, touching in passing or rubbing his or her shoulder can be quite useful. A good example of this was shown by Jesus, who blessed children and put his hands on them:

 

- (Mark 10:16) And he took them up in his arms, put his hands on them, and blessed them.

 

LISTENING

 

- (Pro 18:13) He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.

 

- (Jam 1:19) Why, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

 

Parents should reserve time for their children, and they should also answer their questions patiently and listen. Time must be reserved for children if they are to properly succeed in life. Therefore, if the parent always says, "I have something more important, I have no time to listen, go away!”, or is completely absent mentally when the child is speaking, the adult only communicates indifference through this behavior.

   What is important is a parent’s having the right basic attitude, maintaining an attentive and interested attitude when the child is speaking. If the parent concentrates on listening, turns to the child, looks the child in the eyes, uses a gentle voice and shares words of encouragement, and if necessary, encourages the child to speak more, the child will know that the parent is listening. It indicates to the child that his thoughts and opinions are important, and that he is also important to his parents. This is also good preparation for the future, because it increases a healthy self-esteem of the child and helps him to bond with others.

   One good point about listening is that it can reduce negative behavior of a child and even eliminate it completely. The next quote shows very well how this can take place:

 

I am as a father thankful that I have learnt the significance of eye contact. It has had an enormous effect on my own children. I never forget, for example, how we moved to our current home. My sons were then six and two: happy, vigorous, normal and spontaneous children.

   When about a week had passed, we noticed a change in both of our sons. They whined, always pressed us, grumbled, fought with each other, were always in the way and in a bad mood. My wife and I tried frantically to put the house in order, before I was to start in my new job. We started both to become annoyed and angry with their behavior, but we imagined that it was all because of our moving.

   One evening, I thought again about my sons and imagined myself in their place. The reason behind their behavior problems became apparent to me as quickly as in the flash of a lightning. Pat and I were with the boys night and day, and we spoke much with them. But we were so busy in arranging the house that we didn't pay enough attention to them: they did not get any eye contact and caresses. Their emotional batteries had been emptied and they asked by their behavior, "Do you love us?”(..)

   Immediately when I understood what the problem was, I told Pat. At first, she seemed not to believe, but she was ready to try anything.

   The following day, we looked at our boys directly in the eye whenever we were able to do it when they were speaking to us (active listening) and when we were speaking to them. Whenever there was a chance, we took them into our arms and fully concentrated in them. The change was surprising. When their emotional batteries were full, they both changed again into happy, radiant, boisterous, and were soon less in the way, played by themselves and neither demanded that we have to arrange some program for them. Pat and I were both of the opinion that the time used with them was time well spent. It was soon compensated when the boys were not in the way, but what is even more important: they were happy again. (4)

 

TRY TO UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILDREN!

 

Listening may also be very unskilled as comes to children. This inexperience can often lead to at least two issues:

 

Denying feelings. It is possible that parents deny, suppress or belittle a child’s expression of powerful feelings – weeping and tears, anger, powerful fear or feelings arising from physical pain. Parents may try to shut their children up as soon as possible so that they are not forced to listen to this outpouring. Most commonly, it can be seen in the expressions of the parents:

 

- Be quiet now, stop that whimpering!

- You do not talk that way in this house! Go to your room now!

- Stop grumbling and complaining!    

- Of course you like our baby, you must not hate anyone!

- You have no reason to feel like that!

- You shouldn’t worry about such a trivial thing.

- There is no reason to be afraid.

- Oh dear, it will pass.

 

We should note that when children have these bad feelings, they yearn for someone to understand how they feel. They do not need as much calming and advice as they need for the parent to understand what they are going through. If a child is never allowed to have a bad day or his negative feelings are always suppressed, it is like the parents do not accept him at all. It shows that the parents do not actually deem the feelings of the child important, but underrate them. In addition, this can lead to just what the parents do not want: difficult behavior that perhaps would not have occurred if the parents had tried to understand their children.

   A benefit of parents trying to understand the feelings of their children is that often the worst sting of the feelings will go away immediately after the child sees that someone understands – the worst edge of these negative feelings will go away at that moment.

  The next example refers to this. It describes a very common occurrence, jealously in a family – a situation where the child fears that she will lose the attention of her parents because of a new child in the family. When the mother understood that her child was jealous and spoke about it, the worst sting lifted immediately:

 

I was seven months pregnant. When I told five-year-old Tarja that I will have a baby, she didn’t say anything. But last week she touched my stomach and said, “I hate that baby.” I was shocked, but also delighted, when she talked about it: I had already guessed her negative feelings, and the revelation of them indicated that she trusted me. Even though I had prepared for – almost waited for – that moment, it was like a small bomb.

   I said, - It’s good that you told me. Do you fear that I will no longer have time for you when the new baby is born? Tarja nodded. I said, - Always tell me when you feel like that, so I’ll make time for you.

   The bomb was robbed of its detonator, and Tarja has not spoken about it ever since. (5)

 

Also the next quote indicates how understanding of feelings can also quickly eliminate negative feelings of a child. The key is that the parent first tries to understand how the child feels:

 

"Angela, our 3.5-year-old daughter, whimpered and yelled when her mother left her with me in the car when going to the supermarket. 'I want to go to mom,’ she said at least ten times, although I tried to explain that her mother will be back soon. Then she started to cry aloud. 'I want my doll. I want the doll.' When all my comforting attempts had failed, I remembered the active listening. In my despair I said, 'You miss mom, when she goes away?' Angela nodded. 'You don’t want that mom goes without you.' She nodded again and hugged 'her consolation blanket’ firmly. She looked like a small frightened kitten when she curled up in the corner of the back seat. I continued, 'When you miss mom, you want your doll.' She nodded eagerly. 'But now the doll is not here either, and you miss it as well.' She stopped crying as if by magic, came away from her corner, climbed onto the front seat beside me and started to discuss actively and cheerfully the people she saw on the parking lot.” (6)

 

Advising and solving problems. Another possible wrong mode of behavior is that we immediately start questioning and grilling children, to offer and force advice on them and to give solutions instead of just understanding their feelings and allowing them to solve their problems themselves. It is really possible that when a child tells about problems with friends in school or other problems or something that is not pleasing to him, the parents immediately start to speak instead of listening and offering sympathy. They start to give advice and solve problems that in fact are the child’s problems.

   A better alternative in this situation is to listen to the child’s problems and allow him time to find a solution for himself because it is indeed a question of his problem. When a child speaks about his problems, the parents must refrain from starting to immediately solve the problems and to seem all-knowing. They must be like onlookers and not to hurry with issues they can not amend – for example, problems with friends and school, which they cannot fix: if the child does not like a food or a person.

   As we noted above, the child does not yearn for advice but for someone to understand how he feels. When he feels that he has been understood – when someone understands his powerful feelings – this alone will already take away the worst sting of these negative feelings.

 

Try to understand your children! We noted above that parents should not try to suppress the feelings of their children, and should refrain from directly solving problems belonging to the children. There is also a better alternative: maintaining a positive attitude towards these two actions. This means that when the child tells about his powerful feelings or his problems, the parent must try to step in his shoes and feel what he feels. Then, the parent must take on a positive attitude towards the child’s feelings and problems. Below is a good example of this positive attitude:

 

American psychotherapeutic Richard Belson, who has examined the possibilities to use humor in therapy, described in a seminar the next method. The whole family comes to the bed of a child with a bellyache and the parents ask him to describe precisely how bad the stomach feels. They ask the child to grimace, to groan and to curl up, depending on how strong the pain is. If the child acts his pain tamely, the parents must encourage him to a more powerful performance. They can say, for example, that this kind of pain is not so bad, it must be worse. Show really how it hurts. After the performance, the whole family can hug the child and stroke his head. Finally, the parents will say that they believe that the stomach will be much better tomorrow. Generally, the pain disappears in two or three days. If it is a question of a boy and he has sisters, who hug and comfort him, the pain goes away even faster. Boys of a certain age do anything in their power to avoid their sister from hugging them. They, for example, recover rather than be hugged. (7)

 

The next practical examples also refer to this issue. In the examples, the parent tries to interpret how the child feels – do you feel like this, did I understand you correctly – and how the child sees issues. In this way, the parent tries to tall whether he has understood the feelings and experiences of the child:

 

If the child cries because of a hurt knee:

- Oh dear, your knee must really hurt badly.

 

If the child cries because mother has gone shopping:

- Your must miss your mother a lot, when she goes to do the shopping.

 

If the child or young person tells how he has been criticized:

- It must be depressing when somebody blames you.

 

If the child fears the dark:

- You must really hope for it to be lighter, because you are afraid.

 

If a young person tells about his relationships:

- So you want to be beautiful and that people would like you.

 

Children do not have anything to do:

- It must be awful when you don't have anything to do.

 

Child tells that he hates his little brother:

- You are angry with your brother.

 

Child bitches and moans to mother, who refuses to give chocolate:

- You seem to be very angry with me.

 

A baby has been born in the family and a two-year-old is angry with the baby for getting all the attention:

- Is must be hard for you, when the baby is here and mom spends so much time with him.

 

Young person fears that he will fail in school:

- So you are worried that you will embarrass yourself.

 

Child doesn’t like a food:

- I suppose that this isn’t your favorite food. It takes courage to eat it anyway.

 

Child tells that he hates school and teachers:

- You must feel bad, when you don’t like school at all.

 

Child is acting up and doesn’t want go to bed:

- You are not interested in going to bed.

 

GIVING UP WRONG MODES OF ACTION

 

One way to meet the emotional needs of a child is to give up wrong attitudes and modes of action. Very often, we may act in a wrong way without even noticing and this may greatly damage a child. Next, we will consider some of the most commonly found incorrect actions.  

 

So-called constructive criticism or remarks about the deficiencies of a child and always pointing out his faults is certainly one of the most harmful actions the adults can do, because it can easily destroy the child’s healthy self-esteem. This action often comes from the parents’ ambitions (for instance, living through the child: parents carrying out their own dreams and their ambitions through the child) or worry about the child’s development and how he will get along with others, and thus improving their performance with constant criticism. The parents can express this attitude in the following ways, for example:

 

- Look what you will do to us if you fail!

- That is wrong, and that is wrong as well... Why can’t you learn this?

- Alright, John, but...

- Is that the best you can do?

- That looks good, but...

 

If we are guilty of providing the above-described so-called constructive criticism, we should give it up, because it can easily tear apart a child’s self-esteem, and because as a consequence the child will usually become an uncertain adult who will have difficulties accepting himself. Also, such a person usually has more difficulties in finding God’s approval, because years may pass before he learns to understand the mercy of God.

   A better mode of action is simply to help children and the young to understand that they do not need to be perfect, that they can be accepted as they are, even if they don’t always succeed. They have to see that acceptance does not depend on their accomplishments and behavior, but just on the fact that they are our children:

 

"I am proud of you. You have worked a lot – you have earned your grades. But I want to remind you of something I think you already know. I wouldn’t love you any more because you did well. I will love you in any case. If you had come home after having failed all of your exams, I would have been disappointed, but I would not have loved you any less. You must never forget this. It is the principle of our life – your and mine.” (8)

 

Unhealthy intimacy is also a way by which parents may damage children, and which appears especially in one-parent families or in families, in which the relationship between the parents is not good.

   This distorted intimacy most commonly appears when a parent turns to the children instead of the spouse, and makes the children his or her trusted and friends – in other words, when the parent considers the children equal to the spouse and shares with them issues that usually only belong to adults. The parent may also get support and safety from the children and cry against their shoulder – this is often true in families with alcoholics. Thus, the children become either a substitute for the spouse or almost like a parent.

   The next example shows just how harmful this kind of unhealthy intimacy and turning of the roles upside-down can be. It shows how unhealthy intimacy may have impact far into the adulthood, by causing sexual unwillingness, for example:

 

I have many adult customers who have either in case of a divorce or a fatality become the missing spouse for their mother or father. They have borne the responsibility, comforted their parents and accepted feelings and issues that belong to adults. Not even physical absence of a parent is always needed: mental absence has also been enough for a child to become the substitute of a spouse.

   A man told how he had moved to sleep beside his mother after his father died. Every Sunday morning, they had considered together with the mother how they would get over the next week. They had shared the responsibility for the care of their home and his younger sisters. This man came to me, worried about not feeling any sexual desire towards his wife. (9)

 

Marking and assigning roles as well as comparing. One way to have a negative impact on the self-esteem of a child or confirm negative behavior is marking and assigning of roles and comparing children with each other. This can be seen, for example, in the following expressions of parents:

 

Naughty, silly, trollop, idler, difficult, pest, shy, clumsy.

 

You are stupid. Don't you ever learn anything?

 

You are always so decent / good-natured / diligent. You never behave like your brother.

 

Take heed of your sister! Why can’t you behave like her?

 

Your brother always gets his homework right. You must learn from him.

 

Your sister is more beautiful than you.

 

If the parents say this, they may injure the child. Negative marking, positive marking and comparing are all harmful. Their negative effects can appear at least in the following ways:

 

Negative marks. If children are given negative marks and roles, they often discourage the child and even increase their bad behavior. If the parents blame some of their children for bad and disobedient behavior – so as to improve the behavior – it generally merely increases the difficulties. The child may think, “I must be like this then” when this is said, or he may think that it is better to get negative attention than no attention at all. When the parents try to correct the behavior of children by blaming them, it may lead to just the opposite. The negative marks given by the parents affect then like a curse.

   This can be avoided by never concentrating on the person of the child, but mainly on the behavior and what you, the parent see. We should say, "That was wrong", instead of "You are always so naughty". In the same way, we should say, "Oh, now the milk fell, could you go and fetch a cloth" rather than "You are always so clumsy". In other words, we must make difference between behavior and the child himself – whom we love all the time.

   We should also note that if a child has already been given a negative role, he may also be encouraged to act to the contrary, in other words in a positive way. (The second possible way is for the child to be given a task in just the area where he has been marked. For example, “the pest” of the family can be named the judge, who supervises law and justice between children. “The piggy” of the family, who doesn't take care about his toys, can be made the police officer of the family, who supervises cleanliness among children.) Here is a good example:

 

- After a week Taavi tried my nerves again. He followed Antti around the living room and teased him to tears. But this time, I didn’t despair. Instead, I took Taavi by the shoulder, swung him around and nailed my eyes on him. I said angrily, 'Taavi, you can also be very kind. Use that skill!'

   He smiled timidly. And the teasing was over. (10)

 

Positive marks. As negative roles usually confirm bad behavior, positive roles, marks and praising words can also be equally harmful. If to someone is said, "You are always so solicitous, miraculous, a great poet, more trustful and wiser than your sister," it may only put pressure on him. The child cannot be himself, but tries to settle into a role he does not necessarily want. In a situation like this, we should only concentrate on behavior and say, for example, "You did nicely when...", and not to say, "You are always so wonderful".

 

Comparison. The third item on the list was comparison, which can also be as harmful. If in some family a child is praised and is set up as the model: "Your brother always does his homework right, why can’t you be like him?”, this generally leads to the same kind of behavior as negative marks. It can lead to the child assuming just the opposite role than the parent expects, and also negative behavior towards the sibling who seems to always get the approval and appreciation of the parents – this may cause several conflicts between siblings. The comparison made by the parents may only add up and keep up bad behavior of the children and cause unnecessary friction between siblings; that's why it can be so harmful.

   A better mode of action is for the parents’ not to compare siblings at all, because the behavior of a child has nothing to do with the doings of his or her siblings. Instead, the parents should treat their children as individuals and allow them all to feel that they are accepted as they are, as unique individuals.

 

 

Jari Iivanainen