Guilty one-adultery, winning your spouse, none-believer leaves

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Remarriage. If we move forward and consider remarriage, it is clear that the spouse who leaves his/her spouse to marry someone else always commits adultery and stands under the judgment of god. His/her new marriage is certainly not in accordance with the will of god, as we noted before. People usually understand this well from the Bible.

   The question therefore is: what about the spouse who is left alone, who has not committed adultery and has no possibility to fix his/her former marriage? Does this spouse have the right to remarry or should he or she live alone for the rest of his or her life? People sometimes say that they could never remarry, or at least not before the former spouse has died, but is this true?

   We are going to look at this in the following passages with the help of some Bible verses. They show us that an innocent spouse has the right to remarry.

Original law. The first reason for remarrying in cases of adultery is the original law of the Old Covenant. This law stated that when one of the spouses committed adultery, he/she was sentenced to immediate death. When the person was found guilty, she/he was immediately stoned to death. This usually took place by the testimony of two or three witnesses.

   What this meant to the innocent spouse was that he or she was free to remarry – death had ended the marriage (1 Cor 7:39 and Romans 7:2). He or she was, therefore, no longer bound to the spouse who had committed adultery, but was now a widow/er, having the possibility of remarrying without committing adultery (Romans 7:3).

   Today, we might ask ourselves whether it is wrong to bind an innocent spouse even if the other one has already married again? If the original law gave a possibility for a new marriage after the death of a spouse, this possibility also exists now, especially if there is no possibility to return to the former marriage:

- (John 8:3-5) And the scribes and Pharisees brought to him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the middle,

4 They say to him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

5 Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what say you?

- (Deut 22:22) If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shall you put away evil from Israel.

- (Lev 20:10) And the man that commits adultery with another man’s wife, even he that commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

Historical practice. One piece of evidence supporting remarriage is that in the Old Covenant there is no form of divorce, which does not include a possibility for remarriage. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 and Jeremiah 3:1 indicates that when an official divorce came into force, it also gave permission to remarry. People believed that if one was freed because of a divorce, he/she also had the possibility to marry again. A certificate of divorce was given on grounds of the other one's imperfections (See Matt 19:3-9).

   A certificate of divorce also indicated that if the marriage ended because of a new marriage, it ended in the eyes of God as well; you could not return to the old marriage. The marriage bond had been irreversibly broken. The idea of the spouses being bound to each other after the divorce and after the new marriage was not included in the Old Covenant, even though this is sometimes taught nowadays:

- (Deut 24:1-4) When a man has taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favor in his eyes, because he has found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorce, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

2 And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man’s wife.

3 And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorce, and gives it in her hand, and sends her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;

4 Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the LORD: and you shall not cause the land to sin, which the LORD your God gives you for an inheritance.

- (Jeremiah 3:1) They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man’s, shall he return to her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but you have played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, said the LORD.

Matt 19:9

- (Matt 19:9) And I say to you, Whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery...

One Bible verse referring to the possibility of remarrying has the words of Jesus in it: Matt 19:9. Jesus clearly says in this verse that if divorce takes place on a biblical basis -- because of adultery -- it is possible to remarry. This verse could be actually translated also in the next way:

“Whoever shall put away his wife because of fornication, and shall marry another, does not commit adultery.”

Therefore, when it is a question of the special permit mentioned in this verse -- “except it be for fornication" -- we must understand that it also applies to remarriage. (It has sometimes been explained that this would only allow getting a divorce, but not remarrying.) This verse is reasonable only if it is applied to both of these cases (divorce and remarriage); otherwise, it would not be logical. Stanley A. Ellisen addressed this special exception as found the Gospel of Matthew:

Some have explained that the special permit only applies to divorce, but according to the rules of grammar and logic, it applies to both divorce and remarriage. Quoting John Murray, "According to syntactic rules, the significance of the special permit in this sentence is eliminated if it is not applied both to remarriage and divorce." (Divorce, p. 41). It is worth noting that the special permit and the verb are syntactically placed correctly. It can be clearly seen from the words of Jesus that it is possible to remarry after a divorce, and that it is acceptable in certain cases. These cases do not require getting married, but it is possible. Jesus noted that sin can break what God has connected in marriage. It is the basis of His warning and teaching in these verses. (2)

1 Cor 7:27,28

- (1 Cor 7:27,28) Are you bound to a wife? seek not to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.

28 But and if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she has not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.

One verse that seems to allow remarriage when there is no return to the former marriage was written by Paul as recorded in 1 Cor 7:27,28.

   This verse includes the verb lelysai, meaning “to be separated" or "to be released", talking of a dissolved marriage. In this verse Paul gives a piece of advise, “Seek not a wife", but Paul also adds that “if you do marry, you have not sinned” just as a virgin – a person who has not been married before – does not sin when he/she gets married.

   This Bible verse, 1 Cor 7:27,28, could be translated from the original language also in the next way:

27. Are you bound to a wife, do not seek a divorce. Are you separated from your wife, do not look for a wife.

28. But and if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she has not sinned...

Who is the deserted one?

(Jay. P. Green 5:32) But I say to you, whoever deserts his wife, for any other reason than fornication, causes her to commit adultery. And who ever marries the deserted one commits adultery.

- (Matt 5:32) But I say to you, That whoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery: and whoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.

- (Matt 19:9) And I say to you, Whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her which is put away does commit adultery.

- (Luke 16:18) Whoever puts away his wife, and marries another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her that is put away from her husband commits adultery.

The Bible says, "And who ever marries the deserted one commits adultery," and this has often been used as a basis for claiming that remarriage is not possible. It has been said that a faithful spouse does not have the possibility to get married again, because he/she is the deserted person. Therefore, this possibility has been denied from him/her

   But is this true? Is the deserted person the faithful spouse or the one who has committed adultery? Let’s study this in the light of the next examples:

Only one reason to abandon. First of all, it is good to understand that according to the words of Jesus, there is only one possible reason to abandon your spouse: adultery. If your spouse has committed adultery and lives in continuous infidelity, you can leave this person before he/she asks for a divorce. Only the spouse who has remained faithful has the permission to do this.

   So, in this light we must understand that the man who left his wife for another woman is the one who has committed adultery. His wife – who was faithful – is permitted to leave him, already before he wants to go away. Otherwise, there would be two deserted people: the faithful spouse and the one who committed adultery and whom you are allowed to leave. However, it is probable that it means the adulterer only, because that better fits the original law of the Old Covenant:

According to Jesus, we have only one reason for abandoning, calling someone abandoned and regarding someone as abandoned. This is not the case if we see that also the innocent one who has divorced the guilty person is the abandoned one. We then have two reasons to abandon. (…)

   What is the worst part is that when a man has chosen an adulteress as a wife, some people think that his former innocent wife is the abandoned one. ”Oh holy simplicity!” (…) that is the only thing you can really say about such a way of thinking. The faithful wife could have divorced her husband even when she was waiting for her spouse to change. According to Jesus, there is no other reason for abandoning one's spouse than adultery, and because the wife had not committed adultery, the man cannot abandon her, according to the teachings of the New Testament. The wife had the right to abandon her spouse because of adultery, but the man had no right to do so. According to Jesus, we must make a right judgment. John 7:24. (3)

The original law. Another reason to understand that the abandoned person is the one who has committed adultery is the original law of the Old Covenant. There were two people to be stoned: the spouse who had committed adultery, and the person who had an affair with the adulterer. The innocent spouse and anyone who may have married her/him later were not under judgment; only those who had committed adultery were guilty.

   When we consider the New Testament, we have reason to believe that also the verses of the New Testament above apply to people who have committed adultery: the spouse who committed adultery and could be abandoned, and the one who had an affair with him/her. At least, this better fits the original law.

Difficult situations. If we believe that the faithful spouse does not have the right to marry again until his/her former spouse dies – he or she is still morally married to their former spouse – then we can expect to see some rather odd situations, such as:

Two people

- A person has been living with many people and has had many affairs and now lives alone and is saved. According to the usual teaching he can marry, even though he has lived immorally, and the doors of all spiritual work are open to him.

- A person has been married only once and he/she has never lived in immorality. His or her spouse leaves to commit adultery. The faithful person then lives alone and is soon saved. According to the above-mentioned teaching, "he/she is morally married to his/her former spouse" – and can no longer marry, even though he/she has never lived in immorality, as the first person has. Sometimes, spiritual work can even be denied from this person if he/she gets married again.

A man has left his 20-year-old wife because of another woman. According to the above-mentioned teaching, the girl must live alone for the rest of her life until this man dies, perhaps until old age. She must wait for the death of her former spouse.

The man in the previous example has now married someone else. They are both saved. According to the usual teaching, they are allowed to continue their marriage (1 Cor 7:20). However, the girl – who was left alone – must remain alone even though she was innocent and can no longer marry her former husband.

A man has left his wife because of another woman and they both move to another continent. It is difficult for the person who is left alone to know when this man dies; according to the above-mentioned teaching, she must wait for his death before she can remarry. How can she receive this information if the man lives far away from her?

A man and a wife get a divorce and both of them get remarried. After a long time, the man meets his former wife and has sex with her. However, according to the above-mentioned teaching, they do not commit adultery, because they are still morally married. Rather, they commit adultery when they have sex with their current spouses, even if they had been married a long time ago.

How SHOULD THE GUILTY ONE act? In the previous passages, we have mainly dealt with a person who is innocent of adultery and his or her possibilities after a divorce. How then should the person who has committed adultery act? Sometimes, these people are saved, they repent, they feel guilty for what they have done, and they want to change their lives to be in accordance with the will of God. What should they do? We will try to find answers to this in light of the following examples:

- If a person who has committed adultery has already remarried, common sense says that he must stay in the marriage and not create any more divorces (1 Cor 7:20: Each one should remain in the situation which he was in when God called him.).

   If this person has confessed his wrongdoings to God, he has received forgiveness for them and no longer lives in sin in his new marriage. Therefore, adultery is not any bigger sin than other sins: it can also be forgiven.

- If people are living together without being married, even have children, surely they should get married. In this situation, a new divorce would not do any good; on the contrary, it would make matters even worse. These people should confess their former actions to God and continue on the grounds of the new marriage.

- If it is a question of a relationship that has only lasted for short time, it must be ended and the person must return back to his or her former spouse, as long as it is possible. However, if the former spouse has already remarried, the guilty person has no other alternative than to look for a new spouse or live alone.

- If the guilty person is living alone, he or she can return to the former spouse, as long as it is possible. However, if the former spouse has already remarried, the guilty person has no other alternative than to look for a new spouse or to live alone.

Winning YOUR SPOUSE back. If adultery has been committed, the good news is that it does not have to end the marriage. On the contrary, it never breaks a relationship or ends it, only a new marriage does that. As long as the spouse is still wondering about what to do, there is some hope to save the relationship.

   We are going to look at some of the things you can do or avoid in this kind of a situation where the spouse has committed adultery. Sometimes, a relationship that is about to end can still be mended this way:

- Understand what you have done. Because unfaithfulness is usually a sign of problems in the marriage, not the cause, we should see the part we play in these problems. If you have neglected your spouse, been indifferent to him/her and not adored him/her, this may be the reason why he/she has searched for appreciation from elsewhere, because he/she has not been getting it from you. In this case, you should confess your own neglects and faults to your spouse and tell him/her how you wish to change:

One sad full-time mother recalls, "when I look back, I realize that many times my husband wanted closeness and understanding, but I didn't give them to him. I always had something more important to do, sowing, defrosting the refrigerator, or weeding the garden. I remember how he often sadly asked, why we couldn't go somewhere together for a couple of days, or why I couldn't get a new dress, or why we couldn't sometimes just be lazy and young. I didn't say, "Don't be silly, we’re adults", but he saw my unwillingness. One Christian woman learned something else, "I am awfully ashamed. I was very bossy and a hypocrite, I never understood what I had done.”

   When a non-Christian man divorced his wife who was a Christian, he told her straight out, "This girl isn't as beautiful as you and not even very tidy. Without me, she would be an alcoholic, but she is the only person who has ever needed me and accepted me as I am. She gives me something you never did.” (4)

- Interest in one another. If we want to win back an unfaithful spouse, we must above all convince him or her that they are the most important person in our lives. We should make our spouse feel that we care about them solely for who they are, not for any other reason. Reasons like "It would be best for the children," or "It would be the right thing to do", may not seem convincing. Using rational arguments might push him/her even further away. We can make a much deeper impact if we sincerely express our admiration for and appreciation of our spouse.

- Do not say the wrong things. If a wife says "Do you still love me?” or starts to criticize a lady-friend of the husband, she may find herself in a dead end. Remarks like these may force the husband to make an unpleasant choice, or drive him to defend his lady-friend. Therefore, avoid criticizing your spouse and his lady-friend. Do not ask your spouse bothersome questions, and do not tell all your friends about your spouse's shortcomings. It will only make a reunion more difficult.

- Forget the past. If you want to accept your spouse as he/she is, forget the past and do not bring up your spouse’s unfaithfulness again. You can tell your spouse that the past is the past and that you want to concentrate on the future. This also means that you must stop asking unnecessary questions about the issue. You can at most ask your spouse what you might do to make him/her happy, or ask how you could be a better spouse for him/her.

- Let your spouse enjoy being at home. One important thing is to make your spouse enjoy being at home and to make him/her come home gladly. He or she has to feel that it is nice to be at home and it is good to come there, because the lack of this is something that can separate spouses.

   In practice, this can mean for the wife that she will no longer nag at her husband, but respects him in every situation – she must be a submissive wife to her husband (just like the husband must appreciate and make his wife happy). It can also mean that she offers him, for example, his favorite food and tries in every way to make him happy. She is actually acting in the same way as a woman who is in love, appreciating and making her husband happy. She does not give her husband vinegar, but honey.

- Writing. One alternative is to write to your spouse about those things that you have valued in your marriage, and about the good moments and good qualities of your spouse. You can also tell about your own faults and of your will to change. Sometimes, these kinds of honest letters that do not attack the spouse but speak in a positive way, can deeply affect the spouse.

When ONE WHO IS NOT A BELIEVER LEAVES. We previously talked about how a marriage can be broken by death and adultery. There is also a third cause of a broken marriage. It is a situation where a spouse who is not a believer leaves the marriage and does not want to continue it anymore. The next words written by Paul refer to this:

- (1 Cor 7:12,13,15) But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother has a wife that believes not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

13 And the woman which has an husband that believes not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.

15 But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God has called us to peace.

A good question in this situation is whether there is a possibility for a new marriage. What does the phrase "is not under bondage" mentioned by Paul mean? (comes from the word duloo – reduce to slavery, enslave) Does it permit a new marriage or does it mean some kind of limited freedom for the spouse left alone?

   We can say that when we compare Paul's other passages about slavery, he always mentions that the opposite of slavery is freedom. This contrast is seen (among other places) in the same chapter, 1 Cor 7, where he also mentions that a person is free to marry if the spouse has died.

   Based on these verses, we can assume that when a spouse who is not a Christian wants a divorce, the believer is no longer bound to the law which would bind him to the marriage until the death of the spouse. Instead, he should have the right to remarry, because the former tie has been broken:

- (1 Cor 7:21,22) Are you called being a servant? care not for it: but if you may be made free, use it rather.

22 For he that is called in the Lord, being a servant, is the Lord’s freeman: likewise also he that is called, being free, is Christ’s servant.

- (1 Cor 7:39) The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

- (Eph 6:8) Knowing that whatever good thing any man does, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.

- (Gal 5:1) Stand fast therefore in the liberty with which Christ has made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

We should, however, mention the next issues that should be taken into consideration. If we do not pay attention to them but are too hasty, we can make ourselves guilty of great mistakes:

- Firstly, living apart does not end a marriage. If a spouse who is not a believer only moves to live in another place for some time, it does not mean the end of the relationship. Therefore, the believer should only patiently wait, because the spouse may come back soon. If the spouse left alone closes the door too soon by remarrying, they will certainly do wrong in the eyes of God.

   The situation changes if the spouse has been away for a long time, such as a year or two, and the one left behind does not hear anything about him/her. The marriage can then certainly be thought to be finished, and perhaps the other person has, during that time, made himself or herself guilty also of immorality that often in any case will end the marriage.

- Another thing is that if a spouse who is a believer has with his/her own bad behavior and neglect caused the unbeliever to leave, it can be said that he/she is actually more guilty of this state of things.

   So, if this kind of a situation has been created, it is best to try to fix it as soon as possible. Apologizing and trying to win back your spouse with love are certainly things you should do in such a situation.

Difficult situations. Sometimes there can be situations in marriage when living together can seem impossible. For example, alcoholism, drug abuse, and violence are things that can make living together almost impossible. One's mental health and life might also be in danger.

   A good question in this kind of situation is, what can be done? Even though your life or your children’s lives are in danger, should you continue living together with the violent spouse? Does the Bible say anything about this?

   A clear answer to this can be found in Paul's letter to the Corinthians. He says that in certain situations living apart can be an alternative:

- (1 Cor 7:10,11) And to the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:

11 But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

So if the situation is this, it is not always wise to continue living together: moving apart can sometimes be the only suitable alternative.

   It is also good to note that living apart does not end a marriage or free the spouses to marry someone else. Paul also mentions that the wife's only alternative is not to marry again or try to make things right with her husband. It is also very likely that the person who has been an alcoholic or violent towards family members, can go through a complete change. He can become a better husband than he was before.

Has there been A marriage? Sometimes there may also be situations where the existence of a marriage is questionable. If someone has gotten married simply to be allowed to immigrate to another country but after that there has been no relationship between the two people, the marriage is then questionable.

   We must understand that these kinds of agreements cannot be regarded as actual marriages. They are not marriages because they do not meet those conditions that are usually connected with marriage. There is no physical relationship, no “becoming one flesh.” There is no shared life as a couple, which is part of ordinary marriage. These are just marriages on paper and not real ones.

REFERENCES:

1. David Wilkerson: Pasuuna soi (Set the Trumpet to thy mouth), p. 55

2. Stanley A. Ellisen, Kunnes kuolema erottaa? (DIVORCE AND REMARRIAGE IN THE CHURCH), p. 133,134

3. Veikko Lähde, Avioliitto evankeliumin valossa, p. 38,39

4. Daniel Nylynd, Luova uskollisuus, p. 84 / Quote from Myytti vihreämmästä ruohosta (THE MYTH OF THE GREENER GRASS) / Allan Petersen

Jari Iivanainen