Chapter 1 -
Marriage means compromising
- (Gen 2:24) Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall join to his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
When trying to describe the relationship between man and wife and marriage,
one of the best verses is Gen 2:24 which is first mentioned in the account of
Creation, and appears also in the teachings of Jesus (Matt 19:4,5) and Paul
(Eph 5:31).
What is noteworthy with this verse is that
it shows us three principles: leaving, uniting, and becoming one flesh, all of
which still apply today. These verses actually contain all of the important
information on marriage – other teachings of the Bible just confirm them and
bring additional light to these principles but nothing really new or different.
It is also noteworthy that most problems in
marriages result from not obeying these principles. We may have our priorities
wrong, meaning that the not so important issues have come before marriage. An
issue that may especially hamper a relationship is the fact that one of the
spouses has not really separated him/herself from his or her parents and other
important commitments.
The next quote gives a good picture of the
issue in question. It talks about a very common problem in the area of giving
up, in other words a situation where a mother-in-law continually interferes
with a marriage because she feels that maybe the young bride cannot take care
of her son and does not know how to take care of the house. This problem –
which has been called ‘the mother-in-law trouble’ – is probably the most common
model of how separating oneself from former binding human relationships has not
occurred in a healthy way:
The married couple
sat silently for several minutes. Finally, the young wife said, "I have
endured this for four years, and now I have had enough! I am sick and tired of
this! In addition to my husband and myself, his mother is the third wheel. And
if you can’t help us, our marriage is finished!”
Before I had time to say anything, she drew
breath and continued by listing reasons why she felt as she did. ”Tony’s mother
calls him every day. Not a single day goes by that she doesn’t call! If I
answer the phone, she only asks for Tony and waits without saying anything to
me. I can't get her speak to me. Whenever she visits us, she starts commenting
on things that she thinks are wrong. 'Why can't the children do this or that?'
She thinks that everything is my fault. I don't raise my children in the right
way. I don't treat Tony like a good wife should treat her husband. She thinks
that everything I do is wrong. And because I am a foreigner, she speaks about
me as 'a foreign daughter-in-law’. And my husband lets all of this continue and
continue. I can't get any support from him. What a husband I have!” As she said
this, she clasped her hands and glared at her husband. (…)
When we discussed this for the first time
together, both Tony and Joyce explained that their parents caused them confused
feelings. When they left my office, I thought about two other married couples
with whom I had discussed on the same day and who also had problems with their
parents. It felt like I was faced with an epidemic. (1)
GIVING UP ONE'S
PARENTS
Giving up one's
parents, which Gen 2:24 advises, is really one of the primary preconditions for
a marriage to succeed. If the husband or the wife has not given up his or her
parents and former binding human relationships in a healthy way, the new
married life is usually not very successful.
What then does giving up one's parents mean
in practice? It is good to note that it never means denying one's parents or
leaving them into trouble (see, for example, 1 Tim 5:8) or abandoning them.
Neither does it mean that we should stop respecting our parents, because this
command is still valid.
Instead, what it means in our own lives is
that we should keep our family apart from our marriage, so that it does not
disturb the relationship. When we have been united to our spouse, this marriage
is the most important human relationship on Earth, other human relationships
come after that. Therefore, if we consider our relationship to our parents to
be more important than our marriage, we have not yet given up our parents in
the right way, and it might greatly disturb forming a close relationship with
our spouse. It can cause friction between the spouses.
Below is a list of some forms of dependence
or even addictions that can be found in our life if we have not given up our
parents in the right way. If you notice these dependencies in your own life, it
is good to ask yourself whether they are a disadvantage to your marriage:
Time. Do you talk with
your mother on the phone for hours every day or go shopping with her too often?
If you do this weekly or generally spend plenty of time with your parents, you
may do it at the expense of your own spouse and marriage. Moderation in
everything is certainly a good advice also in this area.
Living together. Do you live in the
home of the parents of one of you, under the same roof with them? Sometimes
this can work and sometimes you may have to do so, but usually when two
generations live together it results in problems. The most common of them may
be, among other things, the following:
- The parents
interfere. It is common that the mother-in-law interferes in the housekeeping
of the daughter-in-law and tries to give advise on how it should be done.
- A young person
who has always lived at home can feel himself torn in two because he feels a
sense of duty and desire to please both the parents and the spouse. The mother
may also feel sad when her son comes home and first goes to his wife and not to
her.
- If a young
person who has always lived at home spends a lot of time with his parents, the
spouse can easily feel left aside and being an outsider.
- Disputes and quarrels can be difficult situations for the young
couple. If a young person who has always lived at home goes to get support from
his parents in these quarrels or tells them about the spouse’s faults, it can
drive a wedge between the young couple. They should, therefore, learn to work
out their problems together and not tell the parents or other people about
their problems.
Economic
dependency. Are you economically dependent on your parents? Sometimes this cannot
be avoided and the parents may willingly help – for example, when one's studies
are still unfinished and there is no other source of income. This becomes a
problem only if the economic support has conditions to it, conditions by which
the parents can control the life of the young couple.
ANOTHER SIDE TO
GIVING UP
The above-mentioned command to give up one's
parents has been given primarily to the younger generation and especially to
the man, who should keep his family (parents) apart from his marriage.
However, there is also another side to
giving up: the parents’ role. Just like the young couple must give up their
parents, the parents must also allow their children to leave. In other words,
the parents must allow their children
to leave without binding them to themselves, interfering in their lives or even
giving advise if it is not specifically asked for. (It is true,
however, that the parents’ desire to give advise often comes from wanting to help and feel needed.
Because of this, the young couple should not immediately refuse the advise.)
The parents should allow their children to be in peace, and be friendly but not
intrusive.
On the other hand, if the
parents tie their children too tightly to themselves, it can result in their
children having a great emotional burden on their shoulders and being in a
conflicting situation especially when they try to leave home and establish
their own family. These kinds of wrong dependencies are possible especially in
single-parent families and families in which the parents’ marriage is unhappy,
when the parent turns to his or her child and makes him or her an intimate and
reliable companion instead of the spouse. This may result in the child having
difficulties in leaving the parents because of the wrong kind of closeness that
has formed over the years.
If you are a parent in this situation, it
is good for you to make sure that you do not tie your children to yourself in
the wrong way, but help them to leave you. Of course, you can listen to and
value your children, but give them the experience of being able to leave freely
and peacefully when it is time.
REMEMBER THE ORDER
OF IMPORTANCE IN YOUR LIFE!
We previously
discussed how giving up one's parents is necessary and a basic precondition of
marriage. If this does not happen, the relationship cannot begin from a healthy
base: there can be problems from the very beginning.
On the other hand, when it is necessary to
give up one's parents, it is clear that the spouses must also give up other
less important relationships and ties, or at least change their form. Many of
the problems in marriage result from the spouses not being the closest people
to each other, having a wrong order of importance in their life. In other
words, they have perhaps placed minor issues ahead of each other, resulting in
cracks in their relationship. Or they have perhaps not understood that the
spouse should be the most important person and thing on the Earth, before other
less important things.
Below, we are going to study some wrong
models and priorities that may appear in our lives. If you notice these wrong
models in your life, there is reason for you to quickly put them in the right
order.
Being busy and on
the move. Firstly, if you are a busy man or a woman and spend all of your time
creating a career, in hobbies or other such issues instead of taking good care
of your spouse and your relationship, you do not have your priorities straight.
Whenever you have placed secondary issues above the most important ones and
have not maintained your relationship with your loved one, you have made a
wrong choice.
The next example told by Rob
Parson indicates how common this is. He refers to men, because it is usually
them who neglect their spouses like this, even though also women may be guilty
of the same nowadays. Do you have a similar situation in your life, having your
priorities wrong?
I am sorry if this
feels too emotional, but I am unable to write about this man without feeling,
for I have met him so often in the letters I have received and I have also made
so many of same faults myself.
I would say that about half of the letters
we receive talk about how the spouse is too busy to listen or speak. A usual
letter would be like this:
My husband is a
faithful husband and father, but he is always busy. He has a full-time job and
in addition to that, he is a member of many committees and acts actively in the
local congregation. Me and the children do not see him very much. I am getting
bitter, but I feel that I cannot tell anyone how I feel.
I do not want my husband to think that I do
not support him. Other wives seem to manage this kind of a situation. Am I in
fault? At home, my husband does not speak much...(2)
Meetings. One thing that
may completely take the place of the spouse are spiritual activities and
meetings. Even though it is certainly right to work hard for the kingdom of
God, it
is possible that might result in neglecting the spouse just like many
earthly matters can. The result may be that the spouse and the family are left behind, to the
background, because of important spiritual activities or choir activity, for
example.
Therefore, if you are in this situation,
you should reserve time and undivided attention also to your dearest so that
you do not neglect them because of any spiritual or earthly matter. The order
of importance should be that the relationship with your spouse comes immediately
after God; only then come the children and going to meetings. The following
list describes the priorities:
1. Your own
relationship with God
2. Your spouse
3. Children
4. Congregation,
spiritual and earthly work
5. Other issues
But where does
this order come from? Why should we have to place our spouse and children in
such an important position even before spiritual work?
The answer is simple. The
reason to the previous order is, naturally, that our own spouse and family are
always our most important congregation and field of mission (see for example 1
Tim 3:2-5,12, 5:8, Tit 1:5-9). We have primary responsibility for them and
their welfare, and if we take too many other responsibilities, we may disturb
this order. Another reason is that if our spouse is satisfied and everything is
well in the family, also our spiritual work will lie on a better basis.
Children. One way of having
wrong priorities is one of the parents to place his/her children before his/her
spouse and make them the priority. This may happen, for example, after the wife
gives birth to a child and becomes more attached to this baby than her husband
– having children can be a critical time to a relationship – making the husband
easily feel like an outsider in this situation. It is also possible that
‘father’s little darlings’ are more important than his spouse, if he gives his
whole attention to these babies instead of his wife.
That is why it is good to note that the
most important relationship in the family is not the relationship between the
parent and the child, but between the man and the wife. If we put children
ahead of our spouse, it will always disturb family life and the children may
also suffer. If the relationship between the parents is harmonious and filled with
love, the children will also feel safe and happy. Therefore, it is wise to
first invest in one's spouse, and everything else will also be better.
