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Chapter 2 -

Conflicts in the relationship

 

 

 

 

As we live in a marital relationship with the spouse, it is very common that we feel disappointed with one another because he or she doesn't fill all our expectations and might also act in the wrong way.

   Sometimes this disappointment can grow into such deep bitterness, that all positive feelings towards one another seem to have died and you can’t be find anything good to say about your spouse. Communicating with your partner can be impossible or such that doesn't improve the relationship in any way.

   We are going to look at some of the ways to untie these double knots. It all starts with us being willing to change ourselves.

 

CONFESS YOUR SINS!

 

When problems appear in the marriage, it is usual that one gets disappointed with the spouse. A root of bitterness poisoning your mind can grow inside of you, which the letter of Hebrews (Hebrews 12:15) also talks about. It can appear in the following ways:

 

- Judging and disapproving one’s habits and not accepting him/her as he/she is.

 

- Being irritated by the other person's faults

 

- Trying to be a lawyer, who shows who is right or wrong

 

- Dwelling on the same negative issues

 

- One can have a list of demands, or a similar attitude as the unmerciful servant had in Matthew 18, saying: ‘Pay back what you owe me!’

 

- Refusing to love or respect one another if he/she doesn't change first

 

If you have this kind of a disapproving attitude towards your spouse, it is good for you to understand that you are as guilty before God as your spouse, who has neglected you. Whenever we judge our spouse or our neighbours by their faults, we act in the same way as the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18 - in other words the servant, who was called wicked, because he didn't want to forgive. His fault was actually not the lack of loving feelings, but that he didn’t want to show mercy to his fellow servant and accept him with his faults. Forgiving is always a decision, not an emotion, but feelings can of course follow later:

 

- (Matt 18:28-35) “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow-servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

29. “His fellow-servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’

30. “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.

31. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

32. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.

33. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow-servant just as I had on you?’

34. In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

35. “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”

 

The best way to be freed from this kind of an accusing and disapproving attitude towards others, is simply to confess your sins to God and ask Him to free you from your wrong attitude. 1 John 1:9 says, that "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

   However, the problem often is that we don't always notice our wrong attitude, it can be hidden from us. We might see the speck of sawdust in our brother’s eye but pay no attention to the plank in our own eye (Matt 7:3). The next citation is very typical in our lives:

 

"Suddenly my heart was filled with gratitude towards my husband", she said. ”The strange part was, that all the time I had thought that the fault was in my husband. I was angry, because he never admitted to being sorry about anything. Not until now I understood, that I had it all wrong. I myself was selfish and demanding and needed forgiveness.” (3)

 

CHOOSE TO BE GRATEFUL!

 

A basic problem, which may appear in many relationships, especially in marriage, is that we don't accept people as they are, but want them to be different. It is common that the husband and the wife may be provoked by each other’s characteristics and weaknesses so much, that they start to accuse and judge each other about no filling their expectations. Their verbal and wordless demand to each other is: "You have to change, otherwise I can’t accept you!”

   If you are in this situation, it is good for you to notice that it's not your job to try and change your spouse, but that you accept him/her as he/she is and learn to live with that. As we are advised to love even our enemies (Matt 5:44), it is of course clear that this also concerns our spouse to whom we might be angry or who doesn't fill our expectations.

   What this then mean in practise is that you shouldn't set any preconditions or try to change your spouse so that you could respect him/her, but that you would start to respect and admire him/her already now, as he/she is – everybody wants to be accepted without conditions. In other words, we must actually be grateful for our spouse instead of constantly complaining about his/her faults.

   Start therefore to bless your spouse and thank God for the things that now might irritate you. If you get irritated about your spouse's habit of being always late, reckless use of money, alcoholism, untidiness or any such thing, start to thank God for these instead of grumbling constantly and being angry. In the beginning this can be difficult for all of us, but the good side to it is that if we are grateful to God for everything, we can’t at the same time be bitter towards other people:

 

- (1 Cor 10:10) And do not grumble, as some of them did…

 

- (Romans 12:14) Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.

 

- (1 Thess 5:18) give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

 

- (Eph 5:20) always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

- (Ps 118:24) This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

 

- (Col 2:6-7) So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,

7. rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

 

HOW WE MAKE OURSELVES UNHAPPY?

 

To continue the message of the previous chapter, is one fundamental cause to why we make ourselves unhappy, is that our happiness depends on the other person’s behaviour. The fact is, that we often build our happiness based on other people or explain that our bad mood is the fault of for example our spouse - "It is because of my wife... It's my husband's fault..." - , and we don't understand, that what we say to ourselves in these situations in fact cause our negative emotions. We in fact choose to be dissatisfied and to complain about other’s faults, even though we could be quite satisfied.

   But what then can help us in this problem? How can it be resolved?

   The answer to this is a very simple advice, advice we don't always want to obey. It is, that we have to take care our own lives and stop expecting something that can't be reached from the other person. If our eager expectations have not come true, what does it benefit to grieve and brood over things, which have not changed till now? It's so easy to look around and see the difference between how things should be and how they really are, but if we concentrate on it too much, it only makes us unhappy.

  Therefore, the best you can do is that you show your spouse approval and appreciation - as you are able to do - but don't expect anything him/her or that he/she would fill your needs and expectations. You can live a good and satisfying life, even though the other one didn't fill any of your expectations. It's mainly your own demanding attitude that makes you unhappy and that you base your happiness on other people.

   Search thus above for all the plan of God in your life and try to renew your relationship with God, don't put any expectations on your spouse. In addition, if you can get your relationship to God onto a new level, it can perhaps lighten a part of your burden or at least give you other things to think about than the neglects of your spouse:

 

I looked into the eyes that young wife and said: "What a pity, that your whole happiness depends on what your husband does. If he is a good husband, he treats you in the way you want and spends his time with you. But if he rejects your company, you have nothing left. Your whole world depends on your husband. That's why you feel so empty.” She nodded in consent and bowed her head. I continued: "You are not a whole person. You are only one half. You are unable to live if your happiness depends on another. The right kind of women's liberation movement means to find your own happiness with the help of God. You must have courage to be yourself and stop being dependent on your husband or any other person. Only then can you be happy.”

   She knew that I was right - I had hit the point. She promised to change her way of thinking and to live her own life in full. When they left me I was convinced that the young wife had decided to set herself free from a mental bind to her husband and to find her own source of happiness with the help of a renewed relationship with God. (4)

 

JEALOUSY

 

One thing that can disturb the marriage is jealousy, to which we often find the reason from something else than ourselves.  In this situation we might have burdening images of the other one's unfaithfulness and that he/she wouldn't love us anymore.

   However, also in this forgiveness can lead to a new kind of freedom. If you as a jealous person agree to forgive your spouse and give up all the accusations - whether he/she was guilty or not - you can be freed yourself. You must above all give your spouse full freedom and end all your demands. Let your spouse be as he/she is, don't make any demands of how he/she must love you or what he/she can or can’t do. If you do this, you can experience peace in your own heart:

 

- (Luke 6:36 37) Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

37. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

 

The second thing in jealousy is that its roots are often in the past. They can come from experiences of rejection in the past, such as for example from the unexpected ending of a relationship or one's parents divorce - especially if the parent of the opposite sex is the one who let the marriage. These and many other negative experiences can together result in the person not really liking her/himself, and that's why he/she has doubts of the other person's love and that he/she is unfaithful. The next quote talks about this kind of a situation:

 

In one party I sat opposite a successful Christian businessman and his beautiful wife. I was very surprised when this melancholic wife asked me: "Could you tell me why I am so jealous of my husband, even though I don’t have any reason.” The husband had, according to the wife, dismissed three secretaries because of his wife’s jealousy and finally hired the most common looking woman he had found, but this hadn't solved the wife’s problem either. ”The problem is not in your husband, but in you not liking yourself.” The woman admitted crying, that it was very difficult for her to accept herself. Later the husband told me about their love life: "When my wife’s unfounded suspicions make her jealous, I can't touch her. But when she regrets her accusations, she could eat me. I never know which is waiting for me, a banquet or a fast.” (5)

 

ACT IN THE RIGHT WAY!

 

When it is a question of the everyday life of marriage, it is common that we act in ways, which don't build the relationship and lead to a dead end. It is seen in how one talk with the other, also in what important things are left unsaid. It can also be seen in our behaviour, in whether we are friendly and polite also when we are angry.

   In the following we are going to look at some of these wrong models which all of us can have and how those can be corrected. If you notice these wrong habits in your own life, you can start to correct them already today.

 

Avoid you-sentences and accusations!

 

- (Jam 1:26) If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.

 

Firstly, it is important that when things, which irritate and bother you come up, you only speak from your own point of view and don't attack the other person.

   Our fault often is that we don't explain things from our point of view and tell how we feel, but we attack each other's character and personality and concentrate on his/her qualities. In this kind of communication, in which we are against another, we may also use plenty of you-sentences, expressions like "You always", "You never" and "Why don't you" are very usual.

   However, there is also a better way of communicating. Instead of you-sentences and accusations, we can learn to use I-sentences - "I feel, I would like, I hurt when, I get irritated when..." - in which we simply tell how we feel and why.

   The principle of these sentences is that we don't raise ourselves above each other and condemn or accuse, but in a way only present a request for help. We ask for help in a problem which bothers us:

 

Peace negotiations often fail because of you-sentences and accusations, which get the spouses to be against each other and end the negotiations before they have started.

   "You do not help enough with work in the house.”

   "You spend too much time at your workplace.”

   "You can't handle money.”

   "You don’t care.”

   I feel-sentences are not nearly as provocative, they open the door for continuing the conversation and finding a practical solution to the problem.

   "I feel, that I can't handle all the chores in the house by myself. I have been thinking how we could divide them better. Would you like to listen what I propose?”

   "I often feel that I am left outside of your life, because you spend so much time at work. Could we speak about it?”

   "I feel frustrated because we never have enough money. Could we thing of ways together how to better handle our money?”

   "I felt bad about what you said in the morning. I'm sure you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I would still like to tell you how I felt.”(6)

 

Speak like to your best friend!

 

- (Eph 4:31-32) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

32. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

 

In marriage it is often possible, that the partners are like the worst enemies. They may have a grudge against each other and bottle inside the other person's neglects or wrong doings, which then might erupt in various accusations.

   However, if we are in this situation, we should pay attention to our use of language. If our spouse is the dearest person to us, we should treat her/him in that way. We should actually treat him/her as our best friend or as a total strange to whom we are very polite to.

   What this then means in practise in your life, is that you should always make sure when you speak to each other that your speak in a friendly way. You might not be able to change your negative feelings for the other person in one moment, but at least you can try to change the way you speak. Talking like to a friend can include things like:

 

- Not having a harsh expression on your face 

 

- Not using a cold and accusing tone of voice

 

- Not using the "You always" and "You never" sentences

 

- Not shouting or raising your voice, but speaking in peaceful way.

 

- Not calling each other names.

 

- Not remembering things from the past (compare Eph 4:26: ... Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry).

 

- Not concentrating on each other's faults or imperfections, but think and perhaps tell the other person of his/her positive characteristics or the positive things he/she has done. (Compare. Romans 12:10: “…Honour one another above yourselves.” and Phil 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”)

 

Apologise to each other!

 

- (Matt 5:25) Settle matters quickly with your adversary...

 

- (Jam 5:16) Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

 

We previously talked about how we should confess our sins and wrong attitudes to God.

   The same also applies to the person we live with: we can apologise to her/him and take responsibility for things that we have done wrong. Our words don't have special powers in themselves, but if we are sincere they can often mend the jammed channels of communication and bring about new reconciliation to the relationship.

   On the other hand, "perfect" people who never see their faults should start to do so and apologise. If you are the kind of a person who sees the faults of your spouse, but don't see your own nagging the need to be always right, you should understand that this might be the speck of sawdust (compare. Matt 7:1-5) you must confess to your spouse. In other words, if you for example are a nagging wife, whom the Proverbs very nicely describes - and with whom it is also difficult to live with - you must confess this wrong attitude to your spouse and apologise to him:

 

- (Proverbs 21:9) Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

 

- (Proverbs 27:15) A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day

 

START COMMUNICATING!

 

One side to marriage is to maintain communication or to get it started. By far the biggest problems in many marriages are communication problems - they are twice more common as any other difficulties in marriage.

   It is not so much a question of the amount of communication, but of the quality and depth of it. Many married couples can easily talk about the future of the children, the children's school, interior decorating or for example buying a new washing machine.  But when it comes to their unfilled needs, problems or things that hurt them, it is common that these issues are swept under the carpet without talking about them. We might then be irritable and bitter towards each other, even though the other person doesn’t even know how he/she should change. It is automatically assumed, that the other person is aware of all of these things, even though he is not. The next example talks about this:

 

One of my friends, a family therapist, discussed with a couple who had been married for fifteen years about their divorce. He asked the wife: "Why do you leave your husband?” The woman answered: "He always behaves in a certain way - and I hate it. I can’t stand it anymore.” My friend asked: "Have you ever told this to your husband?” "I have not.” The therapist turned to the man: "Have you had any idea of this?” No. I didn't know that she felt like this.” They had been married for fifteen years, were now getting a divorce, and they hadn't thoroughly talked about what had destroyed their love.

   In another case one couple, who was getting a divorce, started to talk about the possibility of saving their marriage when they were in court. ”How should I change?” the man asked. He expected a deep answer. But the wife said: "I would like you to hold me close in the evenings without it having to end with sex. I would like you to compliment me in front of people, and that you would say that you love me. I would like you to let the telephone keep on ringing when I'm speaking to you. I would want you to make me feel that you want me.” This took place thirteen years ago. They are still married, they still love each other, and they still improve themselves. (7)

 

What then can help with a lack of communication? How can it be solved?

   The answer to this is simple.  It is that we must start to talk about those things, which until now have been swept under the carpet. It is not meant that we would be silent about everything, but that they would be sorted out.

   So what it means for us is that we should start talking to our spouse, so that we would know about his/her needs and thus help him/her. We should help our spouse so that the issues could be solved.

   The following points can be highlighted:

 

Ask one another! The first thing in communication is that we must be clear about the other person's needs; what things most bother him/her, what have hurt him/her and how he/she would want to change some things. In practise this means that we should ask our spouse about these things, because he/she perhaps doesn't dare to mention them, and because we ourselves are not good in reading other people's minds.

   This important phase should not be skipped, it is worth while to ask the spouse what he/she really wants.

 

Be willing to change! The second important thing has to do with us and whether we are ready to change. If the other person has brought up things, which could be different, it depends on us whether we really want to change. In other words, it is a question of choosing between selfishness and unselfishness, and of being willing to help. The things the other person has suggested might be difficult to do, but if you at least try to do so it can take the relationship onto a new level.

 

Starting conversations. One way to solve problems which have been swept under the carpet is that you and your spouse reserve a certain time when both of you have time to discuss the most important things.

   In for example money issues and debt (one of the biggest problems in relationships), you must reserve the time to discuss them and consider various alternatives for resolving the problem. You could consider the next alternatives in money issues:

 

- If you spend more money than your spouse and can't control the use of your money, could you leave the housekeeping to the hands of the more economical spouse? This could prevent many unnecessary purchases.

 

- Avoid buying on the spur of the moment and getting into debt unnecessarily (compare Romans 13:8: Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another...)

 

- Keep a record of both of your expenses monthly. Both of you can write down in your own books three things: 1) the purchases, 2) date of purchase and 3) the cost. By keeping an accurate record of monthly expenses, you can better understand where all the money has gone.

 

- Don't ever make big purchases without the other one's acceptance and approval; you should always first discuss them together, or agree on a certain sum you can use without talking about it together. Many quarrels in the marriage could be avoided if we obeyed this advise.

 

- Make a plan with your spouse of how to use your money and keep to this plan.

 

In any case, the most important thing is that you start to talk with your spouse, whether it is about money or other things. It is not worth sweeping them under the carpet, and maybe you can find a solution to them.

   The next example shows how finding the solutions are possible. It talks about money issues and the use of time, which are two very common problematic areas in marriages:

 

We used to argue a lot on money. ”Why did you use money on these things?” "I thought we were saving money for this.” "You said, that during this month we have to be very economical, and now look what you have bought.” Finally we came to the conclusion that we should make a yearly budget. So we prayed for flexibility and an open mind and started to make our budget. We signed the plan and swore that we would stick by it. Every January we go through it and make changes to it, and we haven't had any serious argument about money for years.

   We also talked about the use of our time. Because our schedules during the first years of our marriage were so imbalanced, we were both very frustrated and sad about it. Finally we had to draw up a plan, was defined how many evenings in a week we could be away from home, how much time could we spent on travelling, on what day of the week we could spend time with each other and what we would do when the schedules didn't work. Agreeing on rules of the game put an end to repeated disagreements and disappointments. (8)

 

WHEN THE FEELING OF LOVE HAS GONE

 

It is usual in many marriages that there comes a time when the feelings of love have wilted or even completely died. In this situation (which actually is very common, because in every relationship it is impossible to always feel to the fullest) many people perhaps don’t feel anything positive towards another anymore and the other person's faults can irritate enormously. We might even think that nothing can be done at this stage.

   But what then can help in this kind of a situation? How it can be made better?

   The answer to this is that you have to act and behave as if you did care and were interested in the other person, even though you wouldn't have great enthusiasm for it. We are advised to feed even our enemies (Romans 12:20) and care for them, this should also be applied to the spouse who might seem like your worst enemy.

   It is of course true, that in the beginning this can seem to be impossible, but God's love, which "God has poured out … into our hearts by the Holy Spirit…" (Romans 5:5) can help us in this. If we have received Christ into our lives, we are then, in the fact, temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Cor 6:19) and God can affect our will and actions (Phil 2:13). It can bring a new perspective to things.

   In any case, the next citation refers to this (don't however take the thought of divorce seriously!). It shows the meaning of our will in caring for one another. It also shows how feelings, even though they would have died, can later change to the better:

 

The reporter and priest Dr. George Crane tells a very enlightening example about this: A woman came to his office full of anger towards her husband, thinking about getting a divorce.” I not only want to get rid of him but also pay back for what he has done. Before I get the divorce, I want to hurt him as deeply as possible because of what he has done to me.” Dr. Crane presented a brilliant plan: "Go home and think and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him, how much he means to you. Admire all of his good qualities, praise all his tolerable features. Try to be as friendly as you can, as considerate and generous as possible. Do everything you can to give yourself to him to please him and to make him comfortable. Do everything you can to make him believe that you love him. When you have him convinced of your immortal love and that you can’t live without him, then drop your bomb. Tell him, how much you hate him and that you are going to get a divorce. It will hurt him greatly.”

   With a shine of revenge in her eyes the woman smiled and said: "Bravo, bravo. Oh yes, how he will be surprised!”

And so she did, with great eagerness. She behaved "as if". For two months she acts out of love, showed friendliness, listened, gave, encouraged and shared.

When the woman didn't come to visit Dr. Crane again he called her: "Are you ready to go through with the divorce now?” "Divorce?” the woman asked. ”Never! I noticed, that I really love him.” What she had done had changed her feelings. The experiment had become an experience. (9)  

 

 

 

 

 

Jari Iivanainen

 

 




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