Chapter 2 -
Conflicts in the relationship
As we live in a
marital relationship with the spouse, it is very common that we feel
disappointed with one another because he or she doesn't fill all our expectations
and might also act in the wrong way.
Sometimes this disappointment can grow into
such deep bitterness, that all positive feelings towards one another seem to
have died and you can’t be find anything good to say about your spouse.
Communicating with your partner can be impossible or such that doesn't improve
the relationship in any way.
We are going to look at some of the ways to
untie these double knots. It all starts with us being willing to change
ourselves.
CONFESS YOUR SINS!
When problems
appear in the marriage, it is usual that one gets disappointed with the spouse.
A root of bitterness poisoning your mind can grow inside of you, which the
letter of Hebrews (Hebrews 12:15) also talks about. It can appear in the
following ways:
- Judging and
disapproving one’s habits and not accepting him/her as he/she is.
- Being irritated
by the other person's faults
- Trying to be a
lawyer, who shows who is right or wrong
- Dwelling on the
same negative issues
- One can have a
list of demands, or a similar attitude as the unmerciful servant had in Matthew
18, saying: ‘Pay back what you owe me!’
- Refusing to love
or respect one another if he/she doesn't change first
If you have this kind
of a disapproving attitude towards your spouse, it is good for you to
understand that you are as guilty before God as your spouse, who has neglected
you. Whenever we judge our spouse or our neighbours by their faults, we act in
the same way as the unmerciful servant in Matthew 18 - in other words the
servant, who was called wicked, because he didn't want to forgive. His fault
was actually not the lack of loving feelings, but that he didn’t want to show
mercy to his fellow servant and accept him with his faults. Forgiving is always
a decision, not an emotion, but feelings can of course follow later:
- (Matt 18:28-35)
“But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow-servants who owed
him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what
you owe me!’ he demanded.
29. “His fellow-servant fell to his
knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
30. “But he
refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could
pay the debt.
31. When the other
servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told
their master everything that had happened.
32. “Then the
master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I cancelled
all that debt of yours because you begged me to.
33. Shouldn’t
you have had mercy on your fellow-servant just as I had on you?’
34. In anger his master turned him over
to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
35. “This is how
my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother
from your heart.”
The best way to be
freed from this kind of an accusing and disapproving attitude towards others,
is simply to confess your sins to God and ask Him to free you from your wrong
attitude. 1 John 1:9 says, that "If we confess our sins, he is faithful
and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
However, the problem often is that we don't
always notice our wrong attitude, it can be hidden from us. We might see the
speck of sawdust in our brother’s eye but pay no attention to the plank in our
own eye (Matt 7:3). The next citation is very typical in our lives:
"Suddenly my
heart was filled with gratitude towards my husband", she said. ”The
strange part was, that all the time I had thought that the fault was in my
husband. I was angry, because he never admitted to being sorry about anything.
Not until now I understood, that I had it all wrong. I myself was selfish and
demanding and needed forgiveness.” (3)
CHOOSE TO BE
GRATEFUL!
A basic problem,
which may appear in many relationships, especially in marriage, is that we
don't accept people as they are, but want them to be different. It is common
that the husband and the wife may be provoked by each other’s characteristics
and weaknesses so much, that they start to accuse and judge each other about no
filling their expectations. Their verbal and wordless demand to each other is:
"You have to change, otherwise I can’t accept you!”
If you are in this situation, it is good
for you to notice that it's not your job to try and change your spouse, but
that you accept him/her as he/she is and learn to live with that. As we are
advised to love even our enemies (Matt 5:44), it is of course clear that this
also concerns our spouse to whom we might be angry or who doesn't fill our
expectations.
What this then mean in practise is that you
shouldn't set any preconditions or try to change your spouse so that you could
respect him/her, but that you would start to respect and admire him/her already
now, as he/she is – everybody wants to be accepted without conditions. In other
words, we must actually be grateful for our spouse instead of constantly
complaining about his/her faults.
Start therefore to bless your spouse and
thank God for the things that now might irritate you. If you get irritated
about your spouse's habit of being always late, reckless use of money,
alcoholism, untidiness or any such thing, start to thank God for these instead
of grumbling constantly and being angry. In the beginning this can be difficult
for all of us, but the good side to it is that if we are grateful to God for
everything, we can’t at the same time be bitter towards other people:
- (1 Cor 10:10)
And do not grumble, as some of them did…
- (Romans 12:14) Bless
those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
- (1 Thess 5:18) give
thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ
Jesus.
- (Eph 5:20) always
giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord
Jesus Christ.
- (Ps 118:24) This
is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
- (Col 2:6-7) So
then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him,
7. rooted and
built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and
overflowing with thankfulness.
HOW WE MAKE
OURSELVES UNHAPPY?
To continue the
message of the previous chapter, is one fundamental cause to why we make
ourselves unhappy, is that our happiness depends on the other person’s
behaviour. The fact is, that we often build our happiness based on other people
or explain that our bad mood is the fault of for example our spouse - "It
is because of my wife... It's my husband's fault..." - , and we don't understand,
that what we say to ourselves in these situations in fact cause our negative
emotions. We in fact choose to be dissatisfied and to complain about other’s
faults, even though we could be quite satisfied.
But what then can help us in this problem?
How can it be resolved?
The answer to this is a very simple advice,
advice we don't always want to obey. It is, that we have to take care our own
lives and stop expecting something that can't be reached from the other person.
If our eager expectations have not come true, what does it benefit to grieve
and brood over things, which have not changed till now? It's so easy to look
around and see the difference between how things should be and how they really
are, but if we concentrate on it too much, it only makes us unhappy.
Therefore, the best you can do is that you
show your spouse approval and appreciation - as you are able to do - but don't
expect anything him/her or that he/she would fill your needs and expectations.
You can live a good and satisfying life, even though the other one didn't fill
any of your expectations. It's mainly your own demanding attitude that makes
you unhappy and that you base your happiness on other people.
Search thus above for all the plan of God
in your life and try to renew your relationship with God, don't put any
expectations on your spouse. In addition, if you can get your relationship to
God onto a new level, it can perhaps lighten a part of your burden or at least
give you other things to think about than the neglects of your spouse:
I looked into the
eyes that young wife and said: "What a pity, that your whole happiness
depends on what your husband does. If he is a good husband, he treats you in
the way you want and spends his time with you. But if he rejects your company,
you have nothing left. Your whole world depends on your husband. That's why you
feel so empty.” She nodded in consent and bowed her head. I continued:
"You are not a whole person. You are only one half. You are unable to live
if your happiness depends on another. The right kind of women's liberation
movement means to find your own happiness with the help of God. You must have
courage to be yourself and stop being dependent on your husband or any other
person. Only then can you be happy.”
She knew that I was right - I had hit the
point. She promised to change her way of thinking and to live her own life in
full. When they left me I was convinced that the young wife had decided to set
herself free from a mental bind to her husband and to find her own source of
happiness with the help of a renewed relationship with God. (4)
JEALOUSY
One thing that can
disturb the marriage is jealousy, to which we often find the reason from
something else than ourselves. In this
situation we might have burdening images of the other one's unfaithfulness and
that he/she wouldn't love us anymore.
However, also in this forgiveness can lead
to a new kind of freedom. If you as a jealous person agree to forgive your
spouse and give up all the accusations - whether he/she was guilty or not - you
can be freed yourself. You must above all give your spouse full freedom and end
all your demands. Let your spouse be as he/she is, don't make any demands of
how he/she must love you or what he/she can or can’t do. If you do this, you can
experience peace in your own heart:
- (Luke 6:36 37) Be
merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
37. “Do not judge,
and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.
Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
The second thing in
jealousy is that its roots are often in the past. They can come from
experiences of rejection in the past, such as for example from the unexpected
ending of a relationship or one's parents divorce - especially if the parent of
the opposite sex is the one who let the marriage. These and many other negative
experiences can together result in the person not really liking her/himself,
and that's why he/she has doubts of the other person's love and that he/she is
unfaithful. The next quote talks about this kind of a situation:
In one party I sat
opposite a successful Christian businessman and his beautiful wife. I was very
surprised when this melancholic wife asked me: "Could you tell me why I am
so jealous of my husband, even though I don’t have any reason.” The husband
had, according to the wife, dismissed three secretaries because of his wife’s
jealousy and finally hired the most common looking woman he had found, but this
hadn't solved the wife’s problem either. ”The problem is not in your husband,
but in you not liking yourself.” The woman admitted crying, that it was very
difficult for her to accept herself. Later the husband told me about their love
life: "When my wife’s unfounded suspicions make her jealous, I can't touch
her. But when she regrets her accusations, she could eat me. I never know which
is waiting for me, a banquet or a fast.” (5)
ACT IN THE RIGHT
WAY!
When it is a
question of the everyday life of marriage, it is common that we act in ways,
which don't build the relationship and lead to a dead end. It is seen in how
one talk with the other, also in what important things are left unsaid. It can
also be seen in our behaviour, in whether we are friendly and polite also when
we are angry.
In the following we are going to look at
some of these wrong models which all of us can have and how those can be
corrected. If you notice these wrong habits in your own life, you can start to
correct them already today.
Avoid
you-sentences and accusations!
- (Jam 1:26) If
anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his
tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.
Firstly, it is
important that when things, which irritate and bother you come up, you only
speak from your own point of view and don't attack the other person.
Our fault often is that we don't explain
things from our point of view and tell how we feel, but we attack each other's
character and personality and concentrate on his/her qualities. In this kind of
communication, in which we are against another, we may also use plenty of
you-sentences, expressions like "You always", "You
never" and "Why don't you" are very usual.
However, there is also a better way of
communicating. Instead of you-sentences and accusations, we can learn to use
I-sentences - "I feel, I would like, I hurt when, I get irritated
when..." - in which we simply tell how we feel and why.
The principle of these sentences is that we
don't raise ourselves above each other and condemn or accuse, but in a way only
present a request for help. We ask for help in a problem which bothers
us:
Peace negotiations
often fail because of you-sentences and accusations, which get the spouses to
be against each other and end the negotiations before they have started.
"You do not help enough with work in
the house.”
"You spend too much time at your
workplace.”
"You can't handle money.”
"You don’t care.”
I feel-sentences are not nearly as
provocative, they open the door for continuing the conversation and finding a practical
solution to the problem.
"I feel, that I can't handle all the
chores in the house by myself. I have been thinking how we could divide them
better. Would you like to listen what I propose?”
"I often feel that I am left outside
of your life, because you spend so much time at work. Could we speak about it?”
"I feel frustrated because we never
have enough money. Could we thing of ways together how to better handle our
money?”
"I felt bad about what you said in the
morning. I'm sure you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I would still like to tell
you how I felt.”(6)
Speak like to your
best friend!
- (Eph 4:31-32)
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with
every form of malice.
32. Be kind and
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
forgave you.
In marriage it is
often possible, that the partners are like the worst enemies. They may have a
grudge against each other and bottle inside the other person's neglects or
wrong doings, which then might erupt in various accusations.
However, if we are in this situation, we
should pay attention to our use of language. If our spouse is the dearest
person to us, we should treat her/him in that way. We should actually treat
him/her as our best friend or as a total strange to whom we are very polite to.
What this then means in practise in your
life, is that you should always make sure when you speak to each other that
your speak in a friendly way. You might not be able to change your negative
feelings for the other person in one moment, but at least you can try to change
the way you speak. Talking like to a friend can include things like:
- Not having a
harsh expression on your face
- Not using a cold
and accusing tone of voice
- Not using the
"You always" and "You never" sentences
- Not shouting or
raising your voice, but speaking in peaceful way.
- Not calling each
other names.
- Not remembering
things from the past (compare Eph 4:26: ... Do not let the sun go down while
you are still angry).
- Not
concentrating on each other's faults or imperfections, but think and perhaps
tell the other person of his/her positive characteristics or the positive
things he/she has done. (Compare. Romans 12:10: “…Honour one another above
yourselves.” and Phil 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is
noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”)
Apologise to each
other!
- (Matt 5:25)
Settle matters quickly with your adversary...
- (Jam 5:16) Therefore
confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be
healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
We previously
talked about how we should confess our sins and wrong attitudes to God.
The same also applies to the person we live
with: we can apologise to her/him and take responsibility for things that we
have done wrong. Our words don't have special powers in themselves, but if we
are sincere they can often mend the jammed channels of communication and bring
about new reconciliation to the relationship.
On the other hand, "perfect"
people who never see their faults should start to do so and apologise. If you
are the kind of a person who sees the faults of your spouse, but don't see your
own nagging the need to be always right, you should understand that this might
be the speck of sawdust (compare. Matt 7:1-5) you must confess to your spouse.
In other words, if you for example are a nagging wife, whom the Proverbs very
nicely describes - and with whom it is also difficult to live with - you must
confess this wrong attitude to your spouse and apologise to him:
- (Proverbs 21:9) Better to live on a corner of the roof than share
a house with a quarrelsome wife.
- (Proverbs 27:15)
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day
START
COMMUNICATING!
One side to
marriage is to maintain communication or to get it started. By far the biggest
problems in many marriages are communication problems - they are twice more
common as any other difficulties in marriage.
It is not so much a question of the amount
of communication, but of the quality and depth of it. Many married couples can
easily talk about the future of the children, the children's school, interior
decorating or for example buying a new washing machine. But when it comes to their unfilled needs,
problems or things that hurt them, it is common that these issues are swept
under the carpet without talking about them. We might then be irritable and
bitter towards each other, even though the other person doesn’t even know how
he/she should change. It is automatically assumed, that the other person is aware
of all of these things, even though he is not. The next example talks about
this:
One of my friends, a family therapist,
discussed with a couple who had been married for fifteen years about their
divorce. He asked the wife: "Why do you leave your husband?” The woman
answered: "He always behaves in a certain way - and I hate it. I can’t
stand it anymore.” My friend asked: "Have you ever told this to your
husband?” "I have not.” The therapist turned to the man: "Have you
had any idea of this?” No. I didn't know that she felt like this.” They had
been married for fifteen years, were now getting a divorce, and they hadn't
thoroughly talked about what had destroyed their love.
In another case one
couple, who was getting a divorce, started to talk about the possibility of
saving their marriage when they were in court. ”How should I change?” the man
asked. He expected a deep answer. But the wife said: "I would like you to
hold me close in the evenings without it having to end with sex. I would like
you to compliment me in front of people, and that you would say that you love
me. I would like you to let the telephone keep on ringing when I'm speaking to
you. I would want you to make me feel that you want me.” This took place
thirteen years ago. They are still married, they still love each other, and
they still improve themselves. (7)
What then can help
with a lack of communication? How can it be solved?
The answer to this is simple. It is that we must start to talk about those
things, which until now have been swept under the carpet. It is not meant that
we would be silent about everything, but that they would be sorted out.
So what it means for us is that we should
start talking to our spouse, so that we would know about his/her needs and thus
help him/her. We should help our spouse so that the issues could be solved.
The following points can be highlighted:
Ask one another! The first thing
in communication is that we must be clear about the other person's needs; what
things most bother him/her, what have hurt him/her and how he/she would want to
change some things. In practise this means that we should ask our spouse about
these things, because he/she perhaps doesn't dare to mention them, and because
we ourselves are not good in reading other people's minds.
This important phase should not be skipped,
it is worth while to ask the spouse what he/she really wants.
Be willing to
change! The second important thing has to do with us and whether we are ready
to change. If the other person has brought up things, which could be different,
it depends on us whether we really want to change. In other words, it is a
question of choosing between selfishness and unselfishness, and of being
willing to help. The things the other person has suggested might be difficult
to do, but if you at least try to do so it can take the relationship onto a new
level.
Starting
conversations. One way to solve problems which have been swept under the carpet is
that you and your spouse reserve a certain time when both of you have time to
discuss the most important things.
In for example money issues and debt (one
of the biggest problems in relationships), you must reserve the time to discuss
them and consider various alternatives for resolving the problem. You could
consider the next alternatives in money issues:
- If you spend
more money than your spouse and can't control the use of your money, could you
leave the housekeeping to the hands of the more economical spouse? This could
prevent many unnecessary purchases.
- Avoid buying on the spur of the moment and getting into debt
unnecessarily (compare Romans 13:8: Let no debt remain outstanding, except the
continuing debt to love one another...)
- Keep a record of
both of your expenses monthly. Both of you can write down in your own books
three things: 1) the purchases, 2) date of purchase and 3) the cost. By keeping
an accurate record of monthly expenses, you can better understand where all the
money has gone.
- Don't ever make
big purchases without the other one's acceptance and approval; you should
always first discuss them together, or agree on a certain sum you can use
without talking about it together. Many quarrels in the marriage could be
avoided if we obeyed this advise.
- Make a plan with
your spouse of how to use your money and keep to this plan.
In any case, the
most important thing is that you start to talk with your spouse, whether it is
about money or other things. It is not worth sweeping them under the carpet, and
maybe you can find a solution to them.
The next example shows how finding the
solutions are possible. It talks about money issues and the use of time, which
are two very common problematic areas in marriages:
We used to argue a
lot on money. ”Why did you use money on these things?” "I thought we were
saving money for this.” "You said, that during this month we have to be
very economical, and now look what you have bought.” Finally we came to the
conclusion that we should make a yearly budget. So we prayed for flexibility
and an open mind and started to make our budget. We signed the plan and swore
that we would stick by it. Every January we go through it and make changes to
it, and we haven't had any serious argument about money for years.
We also talked about the use of our time.
Because our schedules during the first years of our marriage were so
imbalanced, we were both very frustrated and sad about it. Finally we had to
draw up a plan, was defined how many evenings in a week we could be away from
home, how much time could we spent on travelling, on what day of the week we
could spend time with each other and what we would do when the schedules didn't
work. Agreeing on rules of the game put an end to repeated disagreements and
disappointments. (8)
WHEN THE FEELING
OF LOVE HAS GONE
It is usual in
many marriages that there comes a time when the feelings of love have wilted or
even completely died. In this situation (which actually is very common,
because in every relationship it is impossible to always feel to the fullest)
many people perhaps don’t feel anything positive towards another anymore and
the other person's faults can irritate enormously. We might even think that
nothing can be done at this stage.
But what then can help in this kind of a
situation? How it can be made better?
The answer to this is that you have to act
and behave as if you did care and were interested in the other person, even
though you wouldn't have great enthusiasm for it. We are advised to feed even
our enemies (Romans 12:20) and care for them, this should also be applied to
the spouse who might seem like your worst enemy.
It is of course true, that in the beginning
this can seem to be impossible, but God's love, which "God has poured out
… into our hearts by the Holy Spirit…" (Romans 5:5) can help us in this.
If we have received Christ into our lives, we are then, in the fact, temples of
the Holy Spirit (1 Cor 6:19) and God can affect our will and actions (Phil
2:13). It can bring a new perspective to things.
In any case, the next citation refers to
this (don't however take the thought of divorce seriously!). It shows the
meaning of our will in caring for one another. It also shows how feelings, even
though they would have died, can later change to the better:
The reporter and
priest Dr. George Crane tells a very enlightening example about this: A woman
came to his office full of anger towards her husband, thinking about getting a
divorce.” I not only want to get rid of him but also pay back for what he has
done. Before I get the divorce, I want to hurt him as deeply as possible
because of what he has done to me.” Dr. Crane presented a brilliant plan:
"Go home and think and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him,
how much he means to you. Admire all of his good qualities, praise all his
tolerable features. Try to be as friendly as you can, as considerate and
generous as possible. Do everything you can to give yourself to him to please
him and to make him comfortable. Do everything you can to make him believe that
you love him. When you have him convinced of your immortal love and that you
can’t live without him, then drop your bomb. Tell him, how much you hate him
and that you are going to get a divorce. It will hurt him greatly.”
With a shine of revenge in her eyes the
woman smiled and said: "Bravo, bravo. Oh yes, how he will be surprised!”
And so
she did, with great eagerness. She behaved "as if". For two months
she acts out of love, showed friendliness, listened, gave, encouraged and
shared.
When
the woman didn't come to visit Dr. Crane again he called her: "Are you
ready to go through with the divorce now?” "Divorce?” the woman asked.
”Never! I noticed, that I really love him.” What she had done had changed her
feelings. The experiment had become an experience. (9)