Chapter 3 -
Order in the family
- (Eph 5:22-25, 28, 33) Wives, submit
yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the
husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church:
and he is the savior of the body.
24 Therefore as
the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands
in every thing.
25 Husbands,
love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for
it;
28 So ought
men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves
himself.
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she
reverence her husband.
When problems
appear in marriage, the reason is often issues that have been mentioned in the
previous chapters, such as wrong priorities or not accepting the spouse if they
do not behave in the desired way. These two issues cause most of the problems
in relationships.
Another important issues in marriage is
that we understand our position as spouses in the right way. The Bible clearly
teaches that both spouses have specific roles which they should adopt, roles
which include, for example, wife's respect and submissiveness to her husband
and husband's love towards his wife, to which the previously mentioned Bible
verses refer. If we fail to understand these different roles in marriage or do
not want to put them into effect, it can also cause conflicts in the
relationship.
Below, we are going to look at how the
wife’s submissiveness and the husband’s love can be seen in practise and how
they can be carried out in everyday life. Also in this area if even one of you
is ready to change, it can bring a new touch to your relationship.
THE WIFE'S DUTY
If we begin with
the wife's duties in marriage, there are many ways how she can respect her
husband, be submissive to him, and react to him in general. Some of them have
to do with the attitude in everyday life and other issues in the same area:
The right attitude. Firstly, a wife
should have the right attitude towards her husband. As the Bible advises the wife
to reverence her husband (Eph 5:33) and to be a suitable companion and helper
to him (Gen 2:18: And the LORD God
said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help
meet for him.), wives must also let their husbands experience this.
The duty of a wife is to make the husband feel this; how he is admired and
valued, how he has a suitable "helper" who wants to stand beside him,
how his wife wants to be submissive, and how the husband is also the
"ruler over his own household" as is mentioned in the Book of Esther
(Esther 1:20-22). The next verses speaking of Sarah talk about this very issue:
- (1 Peter 3:5,6) For after this
manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned
themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him
lord: whose daughters you are, as long as you do well, and are not afraid
with any amazement.
-(Gen 18:12) Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After
I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
Therefore it is
more than anything a question of you attitude to want to make your husband feel
happy and valued. It might also require for you to change your own behaviour so
that you want to serve and please your husband with all of your heart, to agree
to his wishes and not nag. If these come true, it can change your relationship
to your spouse in a better direction.
No preconditions. The second
important point in the wife’s respect towards her husband is that there should
never be preconditions. The problem with many wives is that they expect their
husband to change before they can respect him. They can constantly nag at their
husband about his faults and think that he has not earned their respect – they
may say: "You do not know what my husband is like!” – or that he is not
perfect enough to earn their respect.
If you as a wife are in this situation, it
is good to note that you are being disobedient to God if you set preconditions
for respecting your husband or expect that your husband must first change. A
wife should not respect her husband because he has in some way earned it, but
because the word of God advises so. The husband is the head of the family, even
if he is not perfect or not obedient to the word of God, as the next verses
indicate:
- (1 Cor 11:3) But I would have you know, that the head of every man
is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ
is God.
- (1 Peter 3:1) Likewise, you
wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word,
they also may without the word be won by the
conversation of the wives
Therefore, it is
most of all a question of obedience to God and your attitude which is not based
on great feelings, and in which you may have to choose between two different
alternatives. Feelings can sometimes go strongly against this, but if you decide to value, respect,
admire, and have a favorable attitude towards your husband, the feelings can
follow later.
Step to the
background!
- (Eph 5:24) Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so
let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
- (Col 3:18) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as it
is fit in the Lord.
One area in which
the wife’s submissiveness should also appear in is decision making. The husband
is the head of the wife and the wife should submit to her husband and
understand her position. She should above all understand not to put herself
forward in the wrong way or to take control when she should step aside and keep
in the background.
What this means in practice is that you as the wife should always give
priority to your husband’s decisions and give him the last word (cf. Num
30:11-16). If you have not reached an agreement, you must always yield to your
husband’s solution and decision, unless it is clearly in conflict with God’s will. You can of course
present your thoughts and wishes to your husband, but the final
decision should be his, even if he were to make some wrong choices (remember
not to nag!). You should learn to submit to your husband’s will also in difficult
situations and not only when you agree with him.
For example, Bob Mumford tells about this
in his book. He talks about a woman who understood that the husband is the head
of the wife:
One woman I know
has a beautiful voice. She is often asked to sing in the church or in meetings.
Her husband would rather want her to stay at home, because they have several
small children. I once asked her, "How is your singing going?”
She answered, smiling, "I'm finally
starting to learn to sing only when the Lord wants me to.”
"Well, how do you know when the Lord
wants you to sing and when not?” I asked.
She laughed and answered happily and with
confidence, "God has given me a husband. I ask Jim. If Jim forbids it, I
know that the Lord does not want me to sing. If he says yes, I am sure that the
Lord wants to use me and my voice. It’s so simple, and it works like a
miracle.” (10)
Making your husband happy
-(1 Cor
7:34) ... but
she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her
husband.
In the everyday
life of the marriage, there is often a danger that the spouses concentrate only
on their own needs and expect the spouse to meet them. They expect the spouse
to make them happy and smiling.
However, if you as a wife are in this
situation, it is good for you to turn this upside down and start to please your
husband and make him happy. There are many ways how you can please your husband
and make him satisfied. These can be, among other things, the following:
Agree to your
husband's requests! If your husband has asked for a service or expressed
a wish, you should not always refuse. You can also ask your spouse if there is
anything you could do for him or to please him. You should also happily agree
to have sex when your husband asks for it.
Confess your
disobedience! If you have been disobedient to your husband – you might not have been
submissive – or have behaved in an unsuitable manner, you can confess your
wrong attitude to your husband and tell him about your wish to change.
Do not nag! One important
thing is that you do not nag to your husband or speak about his faults to
others. Instead, try to be sympathetic and warm towards him, and listen
carefully when he speaks.
Do what your
husband enjoys! One way to make your husband happy is to do something he enjoys. It can
be his favorite food you cook for him. Or then it can be a kiss and a warm
greeting when he comes home. Or you can be interested in your husband’s life
and you take part in the same hobbies – many men like their wife to take part
in their activities.
Other men can also appreciate that you
allow them an extra free day for a fishing trip, for example. You can prepare
him sandwiches and send him on the fishing trip smiling.
Taking care of
your appearance is important. All husbands want their wife to take care of
herself. You do not need to be a beauty queen, but it is surely good if you
take care of your hair and appearance also after the wedding.
A tidy and clean
home and washed-up dishes are also things that the men respect and that make
the home comfortable. Their value is noticed at the latest when they are missing.
However, do not make this so important that it will rise above all other
things!
Understand your
husband! One important side in the difference of man and woman is how they react
to stress.
For when the wives’ most common way of getting
rid of stress is to talk – they speaks about their feelings and problems to
their husband and are relieved – men, however, want privacy and peace to clear
up their thoughts. In other words, they do not get rid of stress by talking.
What this then means to your as the
wife is
that you should not demand
your husband to talk, tell about his feelings, or try to help him by proposing
various solutions. If you try to get your husband to talk – "Tell me
everything" – it will only increase his stress and he will feel bothered
because he longs for peace. If you try to get him to open up, he might only
sink deeper into himself.
The best you can do is to be
warm and friendly towards your husband and give him the peace to clear up his
thoughts, let him experience how nice it is for him to come home in which he is
accepted and where he can be without "interrogation". So, do not try
to force yourself into his private life, but accept the way he is. And when at
some stage he comes back from his cave, he may also speak to you:
Going to a cave is
seen, for example, in the following kind of a conversation: "What is
wrong?” "Nothing.” The husband does not say, "I’m nervous and I must
be alone for a while.” He only stops speaking. The wife should not take this personally,
but understand that her husband needs time for himself to sort out the reason
for his stress. The time for constructive conversation is when the husband
comes out of the cave by his own initiative. If the wife at this stage accuses
her husband of going into the cave, the husband will only retreat back.
(…) The woman can try to find out where her
caveman is in his thoughts. She can say, for example: "When you are in a
mood to talk, I would like to spend a little time alone with you. Tell me when
the time is right.”
When a man feels that the woman is
demanding him to speak, his mind will go empty. He will not find anything to
say. He will be in a tough spot. The woman will make her husband feel reluctant
by questioning him. If you disapprove of your husband not talking, it only
ensures that he will not have anything to say. Instead, if the husband can feel
that he is accepted as he is, he will slowly open up. (11)
A non-Christian
spouse. As we are talking about the wife’s attitude towards her husband, one
area in it is also a non-Christian man and the wife not acting in a wrong way
with her husband.
It is very usual that when a wife becomes a
Christian, she immediately tries to talk her husband into becoming interested
in questions of faith and to get him to change his lifestyle and behavior. She
can have a converting and demanding attitude: "Change!” She may also think
that she can get her husband interested in faith and save him through her
sermons and complaints.
If you are in this situation, it is good
for you to know that the above-mentioned way is not the right line of action.
If you start to preach and talk to your husband about matters of faith, it will
provoke his resistance and irritation; this is because of the simple reason of
the man being created to be the spiritual leader of the family and the wife to
follow him.
The best you can do in this situation is to
keep silent and not speak a word about spiritual issues to your husband – or at
the most only briefly answer if he asks something. If you do this, it can be a
great relief to your husband and minimize his resistance. The next verses refer
to this:
- (1 Tim 2:11,12) Let the woman
learn in silence with all subjection.
12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to
usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
- (1 Peter 3:1Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own
husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be
won by the conversation of the wives
What is more
important is to make sure of being a submissive wife and to want to make your
husband happy and please him. You must concentrate on making him comfortable
and not on converting him. You should also be careful not to spend too much
time with your Christian friends, and that you never go to meetings without
your husband’s consent. It would be better if you attended meetings only when
you cannot be together with your husband
THE HUSBAND'S
DUTIES
As we previously
talked about how the wife can improve the marriage by trying to improve her own
life, it certainly also applies to the life of the husband – he too can
influence the relationship so that it would become better.
What then can the husband do to improve his
marriage? There are many ways. The issues we are going to look at below are
perhaps the most important ones:
The husband
should love his wife
- (Eph 5:25,33) Husbands, love your
wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
33 Nevertheless let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she
reverence her husband.
- (Col 3:19) Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against
them.
The first
basic issue in the husband’s attitude towards his wife is love. Actually, he
should love his wife just as Christ loved the church, as the above-mentioned
verses indicate.
What this then means in practice is that
the husband must love his wife in every situation and without any conditions.
He must accept his wife even when she fails to meet his expectations or when
she is not being perfect. He should also respect a nagging, lazy, and difficult
wife; just as the wife should respect a difficult husband.
It is true that this kind of caring without
any preconditions can be difficult, but the Holy Spirit of God can help us with
this. He can do in us what we are not able to do or do now wish to do:
- (Rom 5:5) And hope makes not ashamed; because the love of God is
shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us.
Another
issue the husband should pay attention to is continuously taking care of his
wife. The fault of many men is that they – after being sure that they have got
their dream girl – drift into a resting phase in which they feel too confident,
become careless and lazy about their wife, or perhaps become absorbed in their
work; all issues which over the years can injure the relationship or even lead
to a divorce, as the next quote very well indicates:
We recently took
part in a small seminar in which there were a lot of old married couples,
between the ages of fifty and sixty. We noticed that many men were
exceptionally considerate towards their wives. Because we were just writing
this book, we asked them where their behavior came from. Almost without exception
the men said, "This is my second wife. During my first marriage, I worked
so hard because of my career, that I didn’t take care of my wife. I hurt her
deeply for many years, and finally she could no longer bear it. This time, I
will do things differently. I lost my first wife but I am not going to make a
mess of things anymore.” (12)
If you as the
husband want to avoid the previous kind of mistake, start paying attention to
your wife again. Fight especially against your selfishness and laziness, which
are probably your worst enemies. If you overcome these qualities and have the
energy to pay attention to your wife again, you can in turn get a relationship
with less conflicts.
The man as
the head of the wife
- (1 Cor 11:3) But I would have you know, that the head of every
man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ
is God.
- (Eph 5:23) For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is
the savior of the body.
When it is a question
of the man’s position as the head of the wife in the family, to which also the
above verses refer, we can say that it is a part of the order that God has
created – the order that has been valid since Creation. If we do not obey this,
it is always wrong and not God’s will.
However, it is good for each man to take
into consideration a couple of issues connected with this area and their own
behavior. These are:
Do not be a
dictator. Firstly, it is good to note that being the head of the wife does not
mean being a dictator, using force or commanding the wife. (It is true that
many men have tested and teased their wives in this area and demanded
subjection, but this is not right. The only verse they remember from the Bible
may be that the wife should submit to her husband.) The wife does not need
any of the previous, but she wants her husband to walk before her and make
decisions as a good leader – a leader who thinks about his followers, not a
dictator. There is a great difference in these.
So, the primary of the
husband is not to get his wife to obey him – she can still choose to be
disobedient – or to talk about being submissive, but the husband must think
about her best and take care of her, which certainly includes that the husband
asks his wife’s opinions and advise on different issues and makes his decision
only after that. Her primary task is to be submissive to her husband, but the
husband’s task is only to love his wife.
God’s will. The second
important thing is that as Christ is the head of the man (1 Cor 11:3), the man
must primarily search for God’s will for his own life. The husband is under the
authority of another power (Matt 8:9) and therefore he should find out God’s
will, guidance, and plan for his life.
What this means in practice is that the man
has to choose between his own will and personal comfort and God’s will, just as
Jesus had to choose between His own will and His Father’s will (Matt 26:39).
The following verses refer to this issue that can be the most difficult one for
us:
- (Matt 6:9,10) After this manner
therefore pray you: Our Father which are in heaven, Hallowed be your
name.
10 Your kingdom come, Your will be done in
earth, as it is in heaven.
- (Rom 12:2) And be not conformed to this world: but be you
transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good,
and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Making your wife happy
- (1 Cor 7:33) But he that is married cares for the things that are
of the world, how he may please his wife.
- (1 Peter 3:7) Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them according to
knowledge, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being
heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
We previously
talked about how the wife can make her husband happy and please him, and we
noted that we can find several ways to help a marriage to a new beginning.
This is also true for the husband. He too
can please his wife and make her happy and contented. Below, we are going to
look at some of the most common ways the husband can make his wife contented
and please her. If he makes the effort first, it can save a poor
relationship.
Agree to your
wife’s wishes! The first way in which the husband can improve the relationship to his
wife is to agree to her wishes. If the wife has presented a realistic wish, the
husband should not always refuse. To make things even better, the husband can
also ask his wife if there is something he could do for her to please her.
Giving time and paying her
undivided attention are good ways to show that you care. A problem for many men
is that they are more married to their career, work, and hobbies than to their
wife.
Therefore, the husband should understand
that the wife yearns to be together and do things together – which may include
things like trips, eating out, or breaking weekly routines so that you can do
something special together. Gifts or money cannot compensate for time and
undivided attention:
A wife whose
successful husband had given everything to his business, cried bitter tears in
my reception and told me, “All the time he gives me expensive gifts and each
time I think how much nicer it would be to get his time and love. Doctor Wheat,
I don't want all those gifts. I only want him to pay attention to me
sometimes.”
During those twenty-five
years that I have been advising people, I have noticed that whenever a man sets
his business or his career before his wife, there is nothing he can buy to make
his wife really happy.
You can fail in many ways in giving up and
at the same time fail to build a good marriage. (13)
Courtesies, such as souvenirs,
little gifts, or flowers can be a sign that a husband remembers the wife. Many
women value these things, especially flowers (it is often difficult for men
to understand what women see in flowers), especially if they receive them
on other than festive occasions. If the man forgets the common celebrations, it
can greatly hurt the woman.
Do the work that is still
undone! If the husband does the work undone in the home – like changes the
bulb, washes the car, cuts the grass, etc. – and does not put them off, it can be
one way for him to show that he cares. Many women greatly value their husband
taking care of these jobs without them having to wait for six months for them
to be done and without having to remind him of them many times. Doing them as
soon as possible or at an agreed time (for example, a list of these duties
posted on the wall can be a great help) certainly brings satisfaction into the
home.
Touching and
caressing without the thought of sex is important for many women. They long for
physical contact – caresses, massaging, hugging, kisses, etc. – without it
always leading to sex. For many men, tenderness and sex are the same and they
cannot separate them from each other, but the issue is totally different for
women. They see these physical signs of affection as a sign that their husband
is interested in them and not only in sex. On the other hand, the woman’s
sexual drive will be much higher if she gets enough attention in everyday life
and not only in connection with sex.
The words the husband says
to his wife are important (this naturally applies also to the wife’s words to
her husband), because they can either extinguish or awaken love.
If the husband, for example, does not
respect issues that are sensitive to his spouse and jokes about her cooking,
housekeeping, appearance, or relatives, they can easily extinguish love. In the
same way, if the man compares his wife to his own mother or openly criticizes
her, it can only cause damage. The wife will quickly become cold towards her
husband in the middle of all the criticism, and it can also put an end to her
sex drive.
On the other hand, the man can very much
affect his wife's love for him with his warm words. He can use nice and tender
words and concentrate on his wife’s virtues and let also others know about them
(the same can be also done by a letter). He can also tell which things he most
enjoys or values in his wife or tell how he is grateful for all the things she
does for him (cooking, etc.).
If the man uses these kinds of warm words a
lot, they can lead to waking the wife’s interest and also sexual desire – she
may be aroused in a completely new way – but on the other hand, if these words
are never used, it can even result in the relationship breaking up:
After the pastoral
care had ended, Sara wrote: "It is difficult for me to give up the love I
felt towards another man, and to say no to the first man who has really
listened to me. During these thirteen years of marriage, I have felt that Bruce
doesn’t love or want me. He never notices what food I cook for him, how I look,
or how I try to keep the home beautiful for him. He never pays any attention to
me. I’m just a part of the furniture. There is no way I can believe that I’m
important to him.” (14)
Listening is also one way
to pay attention to your wife, and it is an issue whose importance many men do
not always understand. For example, in one study 4,500 women were asked what
displeased them most in their partners and 77% answered: "My husband does
not listen", 84% said that the husband does not hear what they are saying
or is not willing to hear, and 41% said that the men forbade them to feel as
they felt. – Shere Hite: Women and Love (London: Viking, 1987, pages 11-15). It
is important to pay attention at least to the next issues for listening to be
successful:
- Concentrating
on listening. The first point in listening is that we should concentrate on
it. If the husband only growls something from behind his newspaper and does not
even turn to look at his wife when she is speaking, it is a great insult to
her. It shows that the husband is not listening at all.
This kind of a problem of negligence can be
easily mended. If the man only looked his wife in the eyes and made little
positive replies when she is speaking, it would show that he is at least
listening. This is a very small thing, but it can have a great effect on the
relationship. The wife will also understand that her husband at least tries to
concentrate and that the issue she is explaining is important. She will feel herself
accepted and valued, because her husband listens to her.
- Understand
her feelings! The second point in listening is to understand the woman’s
feelings, not diminishing or trying to make them disappear. It is very common
that when the wife tells about her feelings (worries, depression, etc.) and
problems, the husband immediately begins to give advise and preach to his wife,
or then he may underrate the problems and his wife’s feelings. He may, for
example, try to somehow resolve all the problems or to make them seem smaller –
"There is nothing to it, “how can you feel like that or be so depressed
when…”, “there is no use worrying about that” – instead of concentrating on
being a sympathetic listener.
It is important to understand that the
woman does not want so much advice or solutions, but rather for her husband to
understand how she feels. Her way of getting rid of the stress as a woman is to
talk, and for this reason the husband should simply patiently listen to her, be
interested until she is finished talking. The husband can greatly help his wife
by simply letting her tell what is bothering her and making her feel that she
has been understood:
My wife Sally once
told me about being frustrated over some personal problems. I started to give her
advise on how to solve those problems. I will never forget her answer. "I
didn’t come to talk to you so that you would teach me or preach to me,"
she said. ”I know what I have to do. When you start to teach me, I feel as if
you didn't listen or care at all for me. I want someone to listen to me. If
I can't speak to you, to whom can I speak?”
At that moment, I decided that I want to be
the kind of a husband who gives the freedom and security to his wife and other
people to tell about their feelings without having to fear criticism,
preaching, or acts of revenge. I have also had to teach other people about
positive and accepting listening. (15)
Conversation. It is important
for the husband to talk to his wife. One of the most common complaints women make
is that the husband does not speak at all – it is perhaps the most common
complaint. This kind of a man may refuse all conversation: "I don't want
to talk about it...”, I am not interested...”, “I don't know, why do you keep
on asking?”, and thus greatly neglect his wife. He may live as if on an island
of his own even when married – an island the wife often tries to conquer in
vain.
To make things right, you as the man should
simply start to become interested in small issues – things that perhaps are
insignificant to you, but very important to your wife. You should inquire about
the issues that interest your wife and discuss them with her. Also, when your
wife asks something from you, you should patiently explain it as well as you
can, and not only pass it briefly. The man's right attitude and wanting to try
can make miracles in the relationship.
Common prayer. One thing many
wives would want is common prayer. They would like their husband to pray with
them and also for them, and that he would be the spiritual leader of the home.
It is true that this can be difficult for
many men who do not talk a lot. Some of them would rather pray alone, but it is
worth trying. Perhaps the best time of the day to do this is either in the
morning immediately after waking up, or in the evening before going to sleep.
That is when both of the spouses can tell God their common issues of prayer,
concerning their home, relatives, spiritual life, or spiritual work, for
example. (One way is to make a list of prayer subjects and then pray for
each of them for about five minutes at a time. Another way is, for example, to
listen to Bible cassettes at the same time with prayer.)