Chapter 3 -

Order in the family

 

 

 

 

- (Eph 5:22-25, 28, 33) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

24  Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.

33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

 

When problems appear in marriage, the reason is often issues that have been mentioned in the previous chapters, such as wrong priorities or not accepting the spouse if they do not behave in the desired way. These two issues cause most of the problems in relationships.

   Another important issues in marriage is that we understand our position as spouses in the right way. The Bible clearly teaches that both spouses have specific roles which they should adopt, roles which include, for example, wife's respect and submissiveness to her husband and husband's love towards his wife, to which the previously mentioned Bible verses refer. If we fail to understand these different roles in marriage or do not want to put them into effect, it can also cause conflicts in the relationship.

   Below, we are going to look at how the wife’s submissiveness and the husband’s love can be seen in practise and how they can be carried out in everyday life. Also in this area if even one of you is ready to change, it can bring a new touch to your relationship.

 

THE WIFE'S DUTY  

 

If we begin with the wife's duties in marriage, there are many ways how she can respect her husband, be submissive to him, and react to him in general. Some of them have to do with the attitude in everyday life and other issues in the same area:

 

The right attitude. Firstly, a wife should have the right attitude towards her husband. As the Bible advises the wife to reverence her husband (Eph 5:33) and to be a suitable companion and helper to him (Gen 2:18: And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.), wives must also let their husbands experience this. The duty of a wife is to make the husband feel this; how he is admired and valued, how he has a suitable "helper" who wants to stand beside him, how his wife wants to be submissive, and how the husband is also the "ruler over his own household" as is mentioned in the Book of Esther (Esther 1:20-22). The next verses speaking of Sarah talk about this very issue:

 

- (1 Peter 3:5,6) For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands:

6  Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters you are, as long as you do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

 

-(Gen 18:12) Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?

 

Therefore it is more than anything a question of you attitude to want to make your husband feel happy and valued. It might also require for you to change your own behaviour so that you want to serve and please your husband with all of your heart, to agree to his wishes and not nag. If these come true, it can change your relationship to your spouse in a better direction.

 

No preconditions. The second important point in the wife’s respect towards her husband is that there should never be preconditions. The problem with many wives is that they expect their husband to change before they can respect him. They can constantly nag at their husband about his faults and think that he has not earned their respect – they may say: "You do not know what my husband is like!” – or that he is not perfect enough to earn their respect.

   If you as a wife are in this situation, it is good to note that you are being disobedient to God if you set preconditions for respecting your husband or expect that your husband must first change. A wife should not respect her husband because he has in some way earned it, but because the word of God advises so. The husband is the head of the family, even if he is not perfect or not obedient to the word of God, as the next verses indicate:

 

- (1 Cor 11:3) But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

 

- (1 Peter 3:1) Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives

 

Therefore, it is most of all a question of obedience to God and your attitude which is not based on great feelings, and in which you may have to choose between two different alternatives. Feelings can sometimes go strongly against this, but if you decide to value, respect, admire, and have a favorable attitude towards your husband, the feelings can follow later.

 

Step to the background!

 

- (Eph 5:24) Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

 

- (Col 3:18) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.

 

One area in which the wife’s submissiveness should also appear in is decision making. The husband is the head of the wife and the wife should submit to her husband and understand her position. She should above all understand not to put herself forward in the wrong way or to take control when she should step aside and keep in the background.

   What this means in practice is that you as the wife should always give priority to your husband’s decisions and give him the last word (cf. Num 30:11-16). If you have not reached an agreement, you must always yield to your husband’s solution and decision, unless it is clearly in conflict with God’s will. You can of course present your thoughts and wishes to your husband, but the final decision should be his, even if he were to make some wrong choices (remember not to nag!). You should learn to submit to your husband’s will also in difficult situations and not only when you agree with him.

   For example, Bob Mumford tells about this in his book. He talks about a woman who understood that the husband is the head of the wife:

 

One woman I know has a beautiful voice. She is often asked to sing in the church or in meetings. Her husband would rather want her to stay at home, because they have several small children. I once asked her, "How is your singing going?”

   She answered, smiling, "I'm finally starting to learn to sing only when the Lord wants me to.”

   "Well, how do you know when the Lord wants you to sing and when not?” I asked.

   She laughed and answered happily and with confidence, "God has given me a husband. I ask Jim. If Jim forbids it, I know that the Lord does not want me to sing. If he says yes, I am sure that the Lord wants to use me and my voice. It’s so simple, and it works like a miracle.” (10)

 

Making your husband happy

 

-(1 Cor 7:34) ... but she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

 

In the everyday life of the marriage, there is often a danger that the spouses concentrate only on their own needs and expect the spouse to meet them. They expect the spouse to make them happy and smiling.

   However, if you as a wife are in this situation, it is good for you to turn this upside down and start to please your husband and make him happy. There are many ways how you can please your husband and make him satisfied. These can be, among other things, the following:

 

Agree to your husband's requests! If your husband has asked for a service or expressed a wish, you should not always refuse. You can also ask your spouse if there is anything you could do for him or to please him. You should also happily agree to have sex when your husband asks for it.

 

Confess your disobedience! If you have been disobedient to your husband – you might not have been submissive – or have behaved in an unsuitable manner, you can confess your wrong attitude to your husband and tell him about your wish to change.

 

Do not nag! One important thing is that you do not nag to your husband or speak about his faults to others. Instead, try to be sympathetic and warm towards him, and listen carefully when he speaks.

 

Do what your husband enjoys! One way to make your husband happy is to do something he enjoys. It can be his favorite food you cook for him. Or then it can be a kiss and a warm greeting when he comes home. Or you can be interested in your husband’s life and you take part in the same hobbies – many men like their wife to take part in their activities.

   Other men can also appreciate that you allow them an extra free day for a fishing trip, for example. You can prepare him sandwiches and send him on the fishing trip smiling.

 

Taking care of your appearance is important. All husbands want their wife to take care of herself. You do not need to be a beauty queen, but it is surely good if you take care of your hair and appearance also after the wedding.

 

A tidy and clean home and washed-up dishes are also things that the men respect and that make the home comfortable. Their value is noticed at the latest when they are missing. However, do not make this so important that it will rise above all other things!

 

Understand your husband! One important side in the difference of man and woman is how they react to stress.

   For when the wives’ most common way of getting rid of stress is to talk – they speaks about their feelings and problems to their husband and are relieved – men, however, want privacy and peace to clear up their thoughts. In other words, they do not get rid of stress by talking.

   What this then means to your as the wife is that you should not demand your husband to talk, tell about his feelings, or try to help him by proposing various solutions. If you try to get your husband to talk – "Tell me everything" – it will only increase his stress and he will feel bothered because he longs for peace. If you try to get him to open up, he might only sink deeper into himself.

   The best you can do is to be warm and friendly towards your husband and give him the peace to clear up his thoughts, let him experience how nice it is for him to come home in which he is accepted and where he can be without "interrogation". So, do not try to force yourself into his private life, but accept the way he is. And when at some stage he comes back from his cave, he may also speak to you:

 

Going to a cave is seen, for example, in the following kind of a conversation: "What is wrong?” "Nothing.” The husband does not say, "I’m nervous and I must be alone for a while.” He only stops speaking. The wife should not take this personally, but understand that her husband needs time for himself to sort out the reason for his stress. The time for constructive conversation is when the husband comes out of the cave by his own initiative. If the wife at this stage accuses her husband of going into the cave, the husband will only retreat back.

   (…) The woman can try to find out where her caveman is in his thoughts. She can say, for example: "When you are in a mood to talk, I would like to spend a little time alone with you. Tell me when the time is right.”

   When a man feels that the woman is demanding him to speak, his mind will go empty. He will not find anything to say. He will be in a tough spot. The woman will make her husband feel reluctant by questioning him. If you disapprove of your husband not talking, it only ensures that he will not have anything to say. Instead, if the husband can feel that he is accepted as he is, he will slowly open up. (11)

 

A non-Christian spouse. As we are talking about the wife’s attitude towards her husband, one area in it is also a non-Christian man and the wife not acting in a wrong way with her husband.

   It is very usual that when a wife becomes a Christian, she immediately tries to talk her husband into becoming interested in questions of faith and to get him to change his lifestyle and behavior. She can have a converting and demanding attitude: "Change!” She may also think that she can get her husband interested in faith and save him through her sermons and complaints.

   If you are in this situation, it is good for you to know that the above-mentioned way is not the right line of action. If you start to preach and talk to your husband about matters of faith, it will provoke his resistance and irritation; this is because of the simple reason of the man being created to be the spiritual leader of the family and the wife to follow him.

   The best you can do in this situation is to keep silent and not speak a word about spiritual issues to your husband – or at the most only briefly answer if he asks something. If you do this, it can be a great relief to your husband and minimize his resistance. The next verses refer to this:

 

- (1 Tim 2:11,12) Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

12  But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

 

- (1 Peter 3:1Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives

 

What is more important is to make sure of being a submissive wife and to want to make your husband happy and please him. You must concentrate on making him comfortable and not on converting him. You should also be careful not to spend too much time with your Christian friends, and that you never go to meetings without your husband’s consent. It would be better if you attended meetings only when you cannot be together with your husband

 

THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES

 

As we previously talked about how the wife can improve the marriage by trying to improve her own life, it certainly also applies to the life of the husband – he too can influence the relationship so that it would become better.

   What then can the husband do to improve his marriage? There are many ways. The issues we are going to look at below are perhaps the most important ones:

 

The husband should love his wife

 

- (Eph 5:25,33) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

 

- (Col 3:19) Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

 

The first basic issue in the husband’s attitude towards his wife is love. Actually, he should love his wife just as Christ loved the church, as the above-mentioned verses indicate.

   What this then means in practice is that the husband must love his wife in every situation and without any conditions. He must accept his wife even when she fails to meet his expectations or when she is not being perfect. He should also respect a nagging, lazy, and difficult wife; just as the wife should respect a difficult husband.

   It is true that this kind of caring without any preconditions can be difficult, but the Holy Spirit of God can help us with this. He can do in us what we are not able to do or do now wish to do:

 

- (Rom 5:5) And hope makes not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us.

 

Another issue the husband should pay attention to is continuously taking care of his wife. The fault of many men is that they – after being sure that they have got their dream girl – drift into a resting phase in which they feel too confident, become careless and lazy about their wife, or perhaps become absorbed in their work; all issues which over the years can injure the relationship or even lead to a divorce, as the next quote very well indicates:

 

We recently took part in a small seminar in which there were a lot of old married couples, between the ages of fifty and sixty. We noticed that many men were exceptionally considerate towards their wives. Because we were just writing this book, we asked them where their behavior came from. Almost without exception the men said, "This is my second wife. During my first marriage, I worked so hard because of my career, that I didn’t take care of my wife. I hurt her deeply for many years, and finally she could no longer bear it. This time, I will do things differently. I lost my first wife but I am not going to make a mess of things anymore.” (12)

 

If you as the husband want to avoid the previous kind of mistake, start paying attention to your wife again. Fight especially against your selfishness and laziness, which are probably your worst enemies. If you overcome these qualities and have the energy to pay attention to your wife again, you can in turn get a relationship with less conflicts.

 

The man as the head of the wife

 

- (1 Cor 11:3) But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

 

- (Eph 5:23) For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

 

When it is a question of the man’s position as the head of the wife in the family, to which also the above verses refer, we can say that it is a part of the order that God has created – the order that has been valid since Creation. If we do not obey this, it is always wrong and not God’s will.

   However, it is good for each man to take into consideration a couple of issues connected with this area and their own behavior. These are:

 

Do not be a dictator. Firstly, it is good to note that being the head of the wife does not mean being a dictator, using force or commanding the wife. (It is true that many men have tested and teased their wives in this area and demanded subjection, but this is not right. The only verse they remember from the Bible may be that the wife should submit to her husband.) The wife does not need any of the previous, but she wants her husband to walk before her and make decisions as a good leader – a leader who thinks about his followers, not a dictator. There is a great difference in these.

   So, the primary of the husband is not to get his wife to obey him – she can still choose to be disobedient – or to talk about being submissive, but the husband must think about her best and take care of her, which certainly includes that the husband asks his wife’s opinions and advise on different issues and makes his decision only after that. Her primary task is to be submissive to her husband, but the husband’s task is only to love his wife.

 

God’s will. The second important thing is that as Christ is the head of the man (1 Cor 11:3), the man must primarily search for God’s will for his own life. The husband is under the authority of another power (Matt 8:9) and therefore he should find out God’s will, guidance, and plan for his life.

   What this means in practice is that the man has to choose between his own will and personal comfort and God’s will, just as Jesus had to choose between His own will and His Father’s will (Matt 26:39). The following verses refer to this issue that can be the most difficult one for us:

 

- (Matt 6:9,10) After this manner therefore pray you: Our Father which are in heaven, Hallowed be your name.

10  Your kingdom come, Your will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

 

- (Rom 12:2) And be not conformed to this world: but be you transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

 

Making your wife happy

 

- (1 Cor 7:33) But he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.

 

- (1 Peter 3:7) Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

 

We previously talked about how the wife can make her husband happy and please him, and we noted that we can find several ways to help a marriage to a new beginning.

   This is also true for the husband. He too can please his wife and make her happy and contented. Below, we are going to look at some of the most common ways the husband can make his wife contented and please her. If he makes the effort first, it can save a poor relationship.

 

Agree to your wife’s wishes! The first way in which the husband can improve the relationship to his wife is to agree to her wishes. If the wife has presented a realistic wish, the husband should not always refuse. To make things even better, the husband can also ask his wife if there is something he could do for her to please her.

 

Giving time and paying her undivided attention are good ways to show that you care. A problem for many men is that they are more married to their career, work, and hobbies than to their wife.

   Therefore, the husband should understand that the wife yearns to be together and do things together – which may include things like trips, eating out, or breaking weekly routines so that you can do something special together. Gifts or money cannot compensate for time and undivided attention:

 

A wife whose successful husband had given everything to his business, cried bitter tears in my reception and told me, “All the time he gives me expensive gifts and each time I think how much nicer it would be to get his time and love. Doctor Wheat, I don't want all those gifts. I only want him to pay attention to me sometimes.”

   During those twenty-five years that I have been advising people, I have noticed that whenever a man sets his business or his career before his wife, there is nothing he can buy to make his wife really happy.

   You can fail in many ways in giving up and at the same time fail to build a good marriage. (13)

 

Courtesies, such as souvenirs, little gifts, or flowers can be a sign that a husband remembers the wife. Many women value these things, especially flowers (it is often difficult for men to understand what women see in flowers), especially if they receive them on other than festive occasions. If the man forgets the common celebrations, it can greatly hurt the woman.

 

Do the work that is still undone! If the husband does the work undone in the home – like changes the bulb, washes the car, cuts the grass, etc. – and does not put them off, it can be one way for him to show that he cares. Many women greatly value their husband taking care of these jobs without them having to wait for six months for them to be done and without having to remind him of them many times. Doing them as soon as possible or at an agreed time (for example, a list of these duties posted on the wall can be a great help) certainly brings satisfaction into the home.

 

Touching and caressing without the thought of sex is important for many women. They long for physical contact – caresses, massaging, hugging, kisses, etc. – without it always leading to sex. For many men, tenderness and sex are the same and they cannot separate them from each other, but the issue is totally different for women. They see these physical signs of affection as a sign that their husband is interested in them and not only in sex. On the other hand, the woman’s sexual drive will be much higher if she gets enough attention in everyday life and not only in connection with sex.

 

The words the husband says to his wife are important (this naturally applies also to the wife’s words to her husband), because they can either extinguish or awaken love.

   If the husband, for example, does not respect issues that are sensitive to his spouse and jokes about her cooking, housekeeping, appearance, or relatives, they can easily extinguish love. In the same way, if the man compares his wife to his own mother or openly criticizes her, it can only cause damage. The wife will quickly become cold towards her husband in the middle of all the criticism, and it can also put an end to her sex drive.

   On the other hand, the man can very much affect his wife's love for him with his warm words. He can use nice and tender words and concentrate on his wife’s virtues and let also others know about them (the same can be also done by a letter). He can also tell which things he most enjoys or values in his wife or tell how he is grateful for all the things she does for him (cooking, etc.).

   If the man uses these kinds of warm words a lot, they can lead to waking the wife’s interest and also sexual desire – she may be aroused in a completely new way – but on the other hand, if these words are never used, it can even result in the relationship breaking up:

 

After the pastoral care had ended, Sara wrote: "It is difficult for me to give up the love I felt towards another man, and to say no to the first man who has really listened to me. During these thirteen years of marriage, I have felt that Bruce doesn’t love or want me. He never notices what food I cook for him, how I look, or how I try to keep the home beautiful for him. He never pays any attention to me. I’m just a part of the furniture. There is no way I can believe that I’m important to him.” (14)

 

Listening is also one way to pay attention to your wife, and it is an issue whose importance many men do not always understand. For example, in one study 4,500 women were asked what displeased them most in their partners and 77% answered: "My husband does not listen", 84% said that the husband does not hear what they are saying or is not willing to hear, and 41% said that the men forbade them to feel as they felt. – Shere Hite: Women and Love (London: Viking, 1987, pages 11-15). It is important to pay attention at least to the next issues for listening to be successful:

 

- Concentrating on listening. The first point in listening is that we should concentrate on it. If the husband only growls something from behind his newspaper and does not even turn to look at his wife when she is speaking, it is a great insult to her. It shows that the husband is not listening at all.

   This kind of a problem of negligence can be easily mended. If the man only looked his wife in the eyes and made little positive replies when she is speaking, it would show that he is at least listening. This is a very small thing, but it can have a great effect on the relationship. The wife will also understand that her husband at least tries to concentrate and that the issue she is explaining is important. She will feel herself accepted and valued, because her husband listens to her.

 

- Understand her feelings! The second point in listening is to understand the woman’s feelings, not diminishing or trying to make them disappear. It is very common that when the wife tells about her feelings (worries, depression, etc.) and problems, the husband immediately begins to give advise and preach to his wife, or then he may underrate the problems and his wife’s feelings. He may, for example, try to somehow resolve all the problems or to make them seem smaller – "There is nothing to it, “how can you feel like that or be so depressed when…”, “there is no use worrying about that” – instead of concentrating on being a sympathetic listener.

   It is important to understand that the woman does not want so much advice or solutions, but rather for her husband to understand how she feels. Her way of getting rid of the stress as a woman is to talk, and for this reason the husband should simply patiently listen to her, be interested until she is finished talking. The husband can greatly help his wife by simply letting her tell what is bothering her and making her feel that she has been understood:

 

My wife Sally once told me about being frustrated over some personal problems. I started to give her advise on how to solve those problems. I will never forget her answer. "I didn’t come to talk to you so that you would teach me or preach to me," she said. ”I know what I have to do. When you start to teach me, I feel as if you didn't listen or care at all for me. I want someone to listen to me. If I can't speak to you, to whom can I speak?”

   At that moment, I decided that I want to be the kind of a husband who gives the freedom and security to his wife and other people to tell about their feelings without having to fear criticism, preaching, or acts of revenge. I have also had to teach other people about positive and accepting listening. (15)

 

Conversation. It is important for the husband to talk to his wife. One of the most common complaints women make is that the husband does not speak at all – it is perhaps the most common complaint. This kind of a man may refuse all conversation: "I don't want to talk about it...”, I am not interested...”, “I don't know, why do you keep on asking?”, and thus greatly neglect his wife. He may live as if on an island of his own even when married – an island the wife often tries to conquer in vain.

   To make things right, you as the man should simply start to become interested in small issues – things that perhaps are insignificant to you, but very important to your wife. You should inquire about the issues that interest your wife and discuss them with her. Also, when your wife asks something from you, you should patiently explain it as well as you can, and not only pass it briefly. The man's right attitude and wanting to try can make miracles in the relationship.

 

Common prayer. One thing many wives would want is common prayer. They would like their husband to pray with them and also for them, and that he would be the spiritual leader of the home.

   It is true that this can be difficult for many men who do not talk a lot. Some of them would rather pray alone, but it is worth trying. Perhaps the best time of the day to do this is either in the morning immediately after waking up, or in the evening before going to sleep. That is when both of the spouses can tell God their common issues of prayer, concerning their home, relatives, spiritual life, or spiritual work, for example. (One way is to make a list of prayer subjects and then pray for each of them for about five minutes at a time. Another way is, for example, to listen to Bible cassettes at the same time with prayer.)