Chapter
4 -
Sex life in marriage
The previous
chapters dealt with the most common problems in marriage and how to solve them.
These same issues also affect sex life in the marriage. People have noticed,
that if the couple has difficulties in other areas of their relationship, they
soon also affect their sex life, which in a way is a barometer of the whole
relationship. It doesn't perhaps satisfy them in the same way anymore, because
the atmosphere in the relationship can be negative, or they might not have sex
at all, which is not unusual.
We are going to look at some of the most
typical problems in sex life. Many of these problems might disappear after the
spouses start talking to each other again.
Especially to the
wives:
GIVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY
AND GLADLY TO YOUR HUSBAND!
When we are
talking about women and sexuality, one thing they are especially guilty of is
using sex as a weapon. If the husband has not fulfilled the wife’s
preconditions –has forgotten some things, hasn't cleaned himself properly or
hasn't done his part in the relationship - the wife can revenge her husband's
neglects by being cold and refusing to have sex. She may turn her back on her
husband’s sexual needs and refuse to fill them.
If you as a woman have behaved like that,
it is good to understand that you have done wrong and have been disobedient to
God. The Bible clearly teaches that the spouses are obligated to fulfil each
other's sexual needs such as 1 Cor 7:3- 5 indicates. Actually you as the wife,
after you have been married, will lose power to control your own body, and
that's why you must also in practise give your body completely to your husband.
The same is also true for the husband:
- (1 Cor 7:3- 5) The
husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to
her husband.
4. The wife’s
body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way,
the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
5. Do not deprive
each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote
yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you
because of your lack of self-control.
The second
important thing is that you should learn to “fulfil your marital duty"
with pleasure, not reluctantly, dutifully or with clenched teeth. Many men want
their wives to be more active – meaning things like reacting to the husband,
touching and caress - to show a more
favourable and positive attitude towards sex. It is true, that this can be difficult
in the beginning, but if you pray to God for a right kind of attitude, He can
give it to you.
UNDERSTAND
SEXUALITY IN A RIGHT WAY!
One wrong view
many women and also men can have is that it is dirty, shameful and disgusting,
and not meant to be enjoyed in any way. They may even think that the holier or
more spiritual they are, the less they can be interested in sex, or at least it
must be done as unnoticed and quick as possible.
However, it is good to understand that
sexuality in itself is not a bad thing – just like many other things are not
bad in themselves - but that misusing it is. This kind of a negative attitude
towards sex has come from the surrounding culture (Compare. 1 Tim 4:3, 4), but
it is not the teaching of the Bible. The only limit to sex is, that it should
take place only between a married couple. In marriage, sexual intercourse (in
the original language "coitus"), is pure (see. Also 1 Cor 7:1-5). If
the spouses don't understand this important thing, it can prevent them from
freely giving themselves to their sex life and also lessen their enjoyment:
- (Hebrews 13:4)
Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for
God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Therefore, if you
as a wife or a husband have the preceding viewpoint, reject it as non-biblical.
Understand, that sexuality is God's gift, which you can enjoy together with
your spouse. It is not meant only for making children, but to fulfil the sexual
needs of the spouses and for their enjoyment. Give yourself to it completely
and freely!
Especially to men:
UNDERSTAND YOUR
WIFE!
We previously
talked about how the wife should give herself completely and gladly to her
husband. There are also certain issues
in this area to which the husband should pay attention to. The fact is, that
the man doesn’t always understand his wife's difference in sexuality and for
this reason can act in a wrong way. You should pay attention to the next
points, to which many wives hope a change:
Everyday life
outside the bedroom. First of all, it is good for the husband to
understand that the wife’s most important sexual area is her heart. To her,
sexuality is all-inclusive, meaning that it is also important what takes place
outside the bedroom. If she is appreciated also outside the bedroom, gets time
and tender words, she will also be easily aroused sexually, but if these needs
remain unfilled, she might loose all interest in sex and become cold.
You as a husband should improve in this
area. You should invest in your wife also in everyday life and not only in the
bedroom, because she yearns for it and can otherwise become indifferent towards
sex. It is true, that it can require an effort in the beginning, but the
benefit is that the wife’s sexual desires can be woken up again.
"My husband
is too fast". The second thing the man should notice, is that he
shouldn't be too hasty with his wife. He himself might get aroused very fast
–seeing a woman with hardly any clothes on might arouse him instantly - and he
goes "straight to the point". His wife might not always be as fast as
he is. It might easily happen that the man has already got his satisfaction,
when the wife is only just getting aroused.
To make things better, you as the man
should wait for your wife, caress and "warm her up", so that she has
time to be properly aroused. You shouldn't therefore put your penis too quickly
into the vagina, try to delay your ejaculation long enough for your wife to be
properly aroused. Also, you shouldn't turn your back on your wife too soon and
go to sleep, because the wife gets part of her satisfaction from closeness
after the climax. Turning your back to your wife too soon can be a great insult
to her, and reduce her sexual interest.
CLARIFYING
ONE'S NEEDS
When it is a
question of sex life in the marriage, it can be – just like everyday life- speechlessness and silent. It is actually
very usual, that there can be years or even decades in the marriage without
knowing how the other one wants to have sex. The spouses can be very clear
about their opinions and thoughts, but questions of sex might be a mystery for
them. Perhaps they are afraid, that if they speak about their unpleasant
experiences, they might ruin the good that still exists.
If you are in the previous kind of
situation, you should start talking. The fact is, that none of us completely
know the other's body or completely understand his/her needs and desires - we
are not so good in mind reading.
Therefore, we must ask our spouse what he/she
likes or doesn’t like, and how often he/she would like to have sex. It might be difficult to be interested in
sex, if one has to constantly "eat without an appetite". Perhaps the
next list, which is from the book called "Kristitty koti” [The Christian
Couple (p. 54,55), Larry and Nordis Christenson], can help in clarifying this:
One of our
seminar's homework is, that we ask married couples to write down some issues in
their sexual relationship, and then discuss these together. Some have written
to us later, telling that "discussing those eighth questions opened a new
phase in our sex life..."
1. Your spouse certainly does something you
really like during sexual intercourse. What is it? - You can mention at least a
couple of things. (When someone does something right, he/she should be
encouraged in that!)
2. Can you mention one thing in your sex
life which your spouse has done, and which you do not especially like or enjoy?
(Explain briefly why.)
3. When or in what way you get most satisfaction
during sexual intercourse?
4. In your sexual intercourse, do you do
something, which seems to bring special satisfaction to your spouse?
5. Is there something, which you like, but
which your spouse doesn't like?
6. How often would you like to have sex?
How often does your spouse seem to want it?
7. When would you most prefer to have sex?
When least?
8. What do you like most in your sexual
intercourse? What least?
TENSION
If we bring out
issues, which can make the sexual relationship in the marriage problematic, it
most certainly includes tension and various pressures on performance,
especially in whether the man can satisfy his wife and give her an orgasm. The
fact is, that many couples, especially in the beginning of their relationship,
have these kinds of pressures which can prevent them from properly giving
themselves to sex and enjoying it. They can also feel embarrassed by their
appearance and body, and be too self-conscious which can interfere with their sex
life. They might also be so conscious of themselves and their performance, that
the main point might be forgotten.
If you as a married couple are in this
vicious cycle, you should immediately break out of it. If you take these things
too seriously, you are not behaving in a rational manner.
Give therefore the possibility for each
other to fail and be imperfect also in this area! Don't pretend to be satisfied
or a perfect lover, be freely what you are and feel! You should also accept
each other's imperfect bodies and understand that everybody wants to be
accepted just as they are - with their faults. In addition, you should start
talking about these issues. Things like one's fears, appearance and other
delicate things should be talked through so that they wouldn't trouble you.
FORGIVE YOUR
PARENTS!
It is important
that you forgive your parents for the marriage to succeed. It can be seen
repeatedly how those people, who have not forgiven their parents from their
hearts - especially the parent of the opposite sex - usually transfer this
resentful attitude to their marriage and sexual relationship. They might
unconsciously be resentful and suspicious towards their spouses.
So if for example the woman has a grudge
against her father, she might also be suspicious of her husband or even have a
sexual dislike to him – she might feel, that her husband making a pas at her is
just as if it was her own father. In the same way she doesn't perhaps
understand, that the primary reason for her negative attitude can be in her
early experiences in relationships, which now direct her life. She doesn't
understand, that when she has the right attitude towards her parents, her
relation towards her spouse can change to the better.
The key to being freed from these bonds of
the past is simple: forgiveness. If you feel that you weren't accepted as a
child or have perhaps been sexually abused, you must forgive them who have
treated you wrongly. You must give up all accusations and your judging attitude
towards them. If you agree to give up your accusations and grudges, it can also
lead to improving your sex life. The following example tells about this:
Too often we hear
stories about how for women sexual molestation or exploitation in the childhood
results in psychological rejection towards everything that is sexual. One
choleric woman admitted that she was “totally dead sexually”. I don't feel
anything when my husband has sex with me. It is as if I didn't have any sexual
feelings". When I questioned her further, she revealed that her stepfather
had forced her to have sex with him regularly from the age of six to seventeen
when she was old enough to make an end to the situation. What caused the lack
of her feelings? Blind anger! The woman had hated her stepfather so much, that
the anger had killed her ability to love anyone else. I am happy to tell you
that this woman is completely normal now, but it took a lot of time and
forgiveness. (16)
CONTRACEPTION
IN MARRIAGE
An issue a married
couple will sooner or later face is the question of children and contraception.
They might be faced with it especially if they already have several children or
their economic and other resources are limited. They have to stop to think what
to do when they have no more resources.
We are going to look at contraception,
which is often the only alternative in this kind of a situation (this is
because it is difficult to be without sex in marriage as the other person is
present all the time, compare 1 Cor 7:5). We will especially look at whether a
method is really contraceptive, some methods are not that but can even cause an
abortion. If you struggle with this, you should read the next lines.
IS IT REALLY A
CONTRACEPTION METHOD?
In the previous
paragraph we talked about some methods not being contraceptive, but can in fact
cause an abortion. This happens with the use of the following methods:
- For example the coil
doesn't prevent fertilisation, but it stops the fertilised egg cell’s from
attaching to the wall of the womb. It is thus a method, which causes an
abortion in a very early phase.
- Contraceptive
pills and capsules are generally good and reliable contraception methods,
they prevent the egg cell from leaving the ovary. However, in those rare
situations in which the egg cell gets does leave and fertilisation takes place,
they can also cause an early abortion as the fertilised egg cell doesn't attach
to the wall of the womb. In these cases these methods can work in the same way
as the coil.
- Morning-after
pills work in principle as contraceptive pills, except that they contain a
larger portion of hormones. These pills are however not a contraception method,
but a method which prevents the fertilised egg cell’s from attaching to the
wall of the womb. It can thus cause an abortion.
DIFFERENT METHODS
Even though many
methods are abortive, there are also real contraception methods and ways. Of
these the following can be mentioned:
- The condom
is one of the most common contraception methods. It is in principle a very safe
method, if only the condom does not break.
- The pessary
is similar kind of preventive method as the condom. The difference is that it
is placed in front of the womb to prevent the sperm from going further. You can
also use contraceptive pins or contraceptive mushrooms separately
or together with the pessary. They contain substances, which paralyse the
sperm. Also those are placed inside the woman’s vagina before sex.
- Interrupted
intercourse is the most common method. Its disadvantage is that it is a
psychological disappointment to both, because you won't experience the climax.
As a method it is also unreliable, because ejaculation may take place faster
than is expected and the sperm can reach the egg cell.
- Sterilisation,
binding the woman’s fallopian tube or the man’s seminal duct, is also one
method. Its disadvantage is that it is usually irreversible and thus generally
suits older people better. The operation is easier to do to the man, and for
example in Finland it can be done without an authority’s permission only to
people over 30 years, or to parents who already have at least three children.
Because of its irreversibility, it can't be recommended to many people.
- The reliable
days. One increasingly popular method is not to have sex on those days, when
it is possible to get pregnant. It has been proved that fertilisation can take
place only during a certain time, in the middle of the menstrual cycle when the
woman’s egg cell loosens from the ovary and is carried into the fallopian tube.
(The menstrual cycle is calculated to start from the first day of menstruation
and it ends on the first day of the next menstruation.).
Therefore, if you avoid sex on the day the
egg cell loosens in the middle of the menstrual cycle, and a few days on each
side (The egg cell lives only about one day, the sperm can stay alive inside
the woman for about 3-4 days), fertilisation can’t take place. Based on
this we could say that days 1-7 and 20-28 of the menstrual cycle are generally
unfertail, while days 8-19 are when it is possible to get pregnant. If a
woman’s menstrual cycle is very irregular, it can naturally change these
figures.
In any case. There are certain signs from
which you can recognize the moment when the egg cell loosens and it is possible
to get pregnant. These are:
1. The body
temperature always rises about 0,5 degrees when the egg cell loosens, and stays
there until the next menstruation. If the body temperature is measured every
morning and it has stayed there for three days, the next days after that will
be unfertile.
The problem with this method is that also
other things like having a cold or an infectious disease can raise the body
temperature.
2. Another sign is
that there is a change in the phlegm, which comes from the vagina. The phlegm,
which has nothing to do with the menstrual discharge, is soon after the
menstrual discharge white, dim and dry.
When the egg cell loosens it changes into bright, more agile and
running. This translucent phlegm is secreted only for a few days, until it
again changes into being whiter again. If intercourse doesn't take place during
these few days, fertilisation can’t take place either.
3. When you feel a
sharp pain in your lower stomach, it is often a sign that the egg cell is
loosening. Combining this sign with the two preceding ones and you can be quite
sure.
REFERENCES:
1) Daniel NYLYND:
Hankalat suhteet, p.118-119 / citation from the book, In-Laws, Outlands,
article of NORMAN WRIGHT.
2) ROB PARSONS: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta
(LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS), p.39-40.
3) Merlin CAROTHERS: Taivasta maan päälle
(BRINGING HEAVEN INTO HELL), p.32
4) DAVID
WILKERSON: Jumalan paras sinua varten (HAVE YOU FELT LIKE GIVING UP LATELY), p.
22,23
5) TIM LAHAYE: Luonteesi ja sen mahdollisuudet (YOUR
TEMPERAMENT DISCOVER IT’S POTENTIAL), p. 238
6) BILL and LYNNE HYBELS: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT
TO BE TIED), p.138-139.
7) ROB PARSONS: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta
(LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS), p.235.
8) BILL and LYNNE HYBELS: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT
TO BE TIED), p.140.
9) Daniel NYLYND: Luova uskollisuus, p.108, 109 /
citation from the book Myytti vihreämmästä ruohosta (THE MYTH OF THE GREENER GRASS) / Allan Peterson.
10) BOB MUMFORD: Onnellisina elämän loppuun asti
(LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER), p. 40
11) MAIJU KUHANEN: Minä nainen, p. 159-162
12) BILL and LYNNE
HYBELS: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT TO BE TIED), p. 155
13) ED WHEAT:
Onnellisina yhdessä (LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE), p.26-27.
14) Daniel NYLYND:
Luova uskollisuus, p. 41 / citation from the book Myytti vihreämmästä
ruohosta (THE MYTH OF THE GREENER
GRASS) / Allan Peterson.
15) FLOYD MCCLUNG,
Jr. :Jumalan Isänsydän, p. 84 (THE FATHER HEART OF GOD)
16) TIM LAHAYE: Luonteesi ja sen mahdollisuudet (YOUR
TEMPERAMENT DISCOVER IT’S POTENTIAL), p. 226
SOURCES:
BOVET THEODOR:
Avioliitto (DIE EHE. EIN HANDBUCH FUR EHELEUTE)
CHRISTENSON LARRY:
Kristitty perhe (THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY)
CHRISTENSON LARRY
and NORDIS: Kristitty koti (THE CHRISTIAN COUPLE)
COLE EDWIN LOUIS: Miehuuden haaste (MAXIMIZED
MANHOOD)
DAVIS LINDA: Näin
voitat puolisosi Jeesukselle (HOW TO BE THE HAPPY WIFE OF AN UNSAVED HUSBAND)
GRAHAM BILLY:
Avioliitto ja kotimme (THE CHRIST-CENTERED HOME)
HYBELS BILL:
Kristityt seksihullussa kulttuurissa (Christians
IN A SEX CRAZED CULTURE)
HYBELS BILL ja
LYNNE: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT TO BE TIED)
KARPPINEN SAARA: Tahdon
LAHAYE TIM: Erilaisina onnelliset (FOUR STEPS TO AN
INTIMATE MARRIAGE)
LAHAYE TIM: Luonteesi ja sen mahdollisuudet (YOUR
TEMPERAMENT DISCOVER IT’S POTENTIAL)
LEE, NICKY & SILA: Avioliitto-opas
LILLY GENE:
Anteeksiantamisen voima (GOD IS CALLING HIS PEOPLE TO FORGIVENESS)
MADSEN POUL: Avioliiton ihanteet (HÖGA IDEAL)
MUMFORD BOB: Onnellisina elämän loppuun asti (LIVING
HAPPILY EVER AFTER)
NYLYND DANIEL: Hankalat suhteet
NYLYND DANIEL: Luova uskollisuus
PARSONS ROB: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta
(LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS)
SOPANEN MARJA-LIISA ja TAPANI: Toinen toisellemme
TROBISH WALTER:
Kanssasi naimisiin (I MARRIED YOU)
VENDEN MORRIS L.:
Minä, sinä ja hän (LOVE, MARRIAGE AND RIGHTEOUSNESS BY FAITH)
WHEAT ED:
Onnellisina yhdessä (LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE)