Chapter 4 -

Sex life in marriage

 

 

 

 

The previous chapters dealt with the most common problems in marriage and how to solve them. These same issues also affect sex life in the marriage. People have noticed, that if the couple has difficulties in other areas of their relationship, they soon also affect their sex life, which in a way is a barometer of the whole relationship. It doesn't perhaps satisfy them in the same way anymore, because the atmosphere in the relationship can be negative, or they might not have sex at all, which is not unusual.

   We are going to look at some of the most typical problems in sex life. Many of these problems might disappear after the spouses start talking to each other again.

 

Especially to the wives:

GIVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY AND GLADLY TO YOUR HUSBAND!

 

When we are talking about women and sexuality, one thing they are especially guilty of is using sex as a weapon. If the husband has not fulfilled the wife’s preconditions –has forgotten some things, hasn't cleaned himself properly or hasn't done his part in the relationship - the wife can revenge her husband's neglects by being cold and refusing to have sex. She may turn her back on her husband’s sexual needs and refuse to fill them.

   If you as a woman have behaved like that, it is good to understand that you have done wrong and have been disobedient to God. The Bible clearly teaches that the spouses are obligated to fulfil each other's sexual needs such as 1 Cor 7:3- 5 indicates. Actually you as the wife, after you have been married, will lose power to control your own body, and that's why you must also in practise give your body completely to your husband. The same is also true for the husband:

 

- (1 Cor 7:3- 5) The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.

4. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

5. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

 

The second important thing is that you should learn to “fulfil your marital duty" with pleasure, not reluctantly, dutifully or with clenched teeth. Many men want their wives to be more active – meaning things like reacting to the husband, touching and caress  - to show a more favourable and positive attitude towards sex. It is true, that this can be difficult in the beginning, but if you pray to God for a right kind of attitude, He can give it to you.

 

UNDERSTAND SEXUALITY IN A RIGHT WAY!

 

One wrong view many women and also men can have is that it is dirty, shameful and disgusting, and not meant to be enjoyed in any way. They may even think that the holier or more spiritual they are, the less they can be interested in sex, or at least it must be done as unnoticed and quick as possible.

   However, it is good to understand that sexuality in itself is not a bad thing – just like many other things are not bad in themselves - but that misusing it is. This kind of a negative attitude towards sex has come from the surrounding culture (Compare. 1 Tim 4:3, 4), but it is not the teaching of the Bible. The only limit to sex is, that it should take place only between a married couple. In marriage, sexual intercourse (in the original language "coitus"), is pure (see. Also 1 Cor 7:1-5). If the spouses don't understand this important thing, it can prevent them from freely giving themselves to their sex life and also lessen their enjoyment:

 

- (Hebrews 13:4) Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

 

Therefore, if you as a wife or a husband have the preceding viewpoint, reject it as non-biblical. Understand, that sexuality is God's gift, which you can enjoy together with your spouse. It is not meant only for making children, but to fulfil the sexual needs of the spouses and for their enjoyment. Give yourself to it completely and freely!

 

Especially to men:

UNDERSTAND YOUR WIFE!

 

We previously talked about how the wife should give herself completely and gladly to her husband.  There are also certain issues in this area to which the husband should pay attention to. The fact is, that the man doesn’t always understand his wife's difference in sexuality and for this reason can act in a wrong way. You should pay attention to the next points, to which many wives hope a change:

 

Everyday life outside the bedroom. First of all, it is good for the husband to understand that the wife’s most important sexual area is her heart. To her, sexuality is all-inclusive, meaning that it is also important what takes place outside the bedroom. If she is appreciated also outside the bedroom, gets time and tender words, she will also be easily aroused sexually, but if these needs remain unfilled, she might loose all interest in sex and become cold.

   You as a husband should improve in this area. You should invest in your wife also in everyday life and not only in the bedroom, because she yearns for it and can otherwise become indifferent towards sex. It is true, that it can require an effort in the beginning, but the benefit is that the wife’s sexual desires can be woken up again.

 

"My husband is too fast". The second thing the man should notice, is that he shouldn't be too hasty with his wife. He himself might get aroused very fast –seeing a woman with hardly any clothes on might arouse him instantly - and he goes "straight to the point". His wife might not always be as fast as he is. It might easily happen that the man has already got his satisfaction, when the wife is only just getting aroused.

   To make things better, you as the man should wait for your wife, caress and "warm her up", so that she has time to be properly aroused. You shouldn't therefore put your penis too quickly into the vagina, try to delay your ejaculation long enough for your wife to be properly aroused. Also, you shouldn't turn your back on your wife too soon and go to sleep, because the wife gets part of her satisfaction from closeness after the climax. Turning your back to your wife too soon can be a great insult to her, and reduce her sexual interest.

 

CLARIFYING ONE'S  NEEDS

 

When it is a question of sex life in the marriage, it can be – just like everyday life-  speechlessness and silent. It is actually very usual, that there can be years or even decades in the marriage without knowing how the other one wants to have sex. The spouses can be very clear about their opinions and thoughts, but questions of sex might be a mystery for them. Perhaps they are afraid, that if they speak about their unpleasant experiences, they might ruin the good that still exists.

   If you are in the previous kind of situation, you should start talking. The fact is, that none of us completely know the other's body or completely understand his/her needs and desires - we are not so good in mind reading.

   Therefore, we must ask our spouse what he/she likes or doesn’t like, and how often he/she would like to have sex.  It might be difficult to be interested in sex, if one has to constantly "eat without an appetite". Perhaps the next list, which is from the book called "Kristitty koti” [The Christian Couple (p. 54,55), Larry and Nordis Christenson], can help in clarifying this:

 

One of our seminar's homework is, that we ask married couples to write down some issues in their sexual relationship, and then discuss these together. Some have written to us later, telling that "discussing those eighth questions opened a new phase in our sex life..."

 

   1. Your spouse certainly does something you really like during sexual intercourse. What is it? - You can mention at least a couple of things. (When someone does something right, he/she should be encouraged in that!)

 

   2. Can you mention one thing in your sex life which your spouse has done, and which you do not especially like or enjoy? (Explain briefly why.)

 

    3. When or in what way you get most satisfaction during sexual intercourse?

 

    4. In your sexual intercourse, do you do something, which seems to bring special satisfaction to your spouse?

 

   5. Is there something, which you like, but which your spouse doesn't like?

 

   6. How often would you like to have sex? How often does your spouse seem to want it?

 

   7. When would you most prefer to have sex? When least?

 

   8. What do you like most in your sexual intercourse? What least?

 

TENSION

 

If we bring out issues, which can make the sexual relationship in the marriage problematic, it most certainly includes tension and various pressures on performance, especially in whether the man can satisfy his wife and give her an orgasm. The fact is, that many couples, especially in the beginning of their relationship, have these kinds of pressures which can prevent them from properly giving themselves to sex and enjoying it. They can also feel embarrassed by their appearance and body, and be too self-conscious which can interfere with their sex life. They might also be so conscious of themselves and their performance, that the main point might be forgotten.

   If you as a married couple are in this vicious cycle, you should immediately break out of it. If you take these things too seriously, you are not behaving in a rational manner.

   Give therefore the possibility for each other to fail and be imperfect also in this area! Don't pretend to be satisfied or a perfect lover, be freely what you are and feel! You should also accept each other's imperfect bodies and understand that everybody wants to be accepted just as they are - with their faults. In addition, you should start talking about these issues. Things like one's fears, appearance and other delicate things should be talked through so that they wouldn't trouble you.

 

FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS!

 

It is important that you forgive your parents for the marriage to succeed. It can be seen repeatedly how those people, who have not forgiven their parents from their hearts - especially the parent of the opposite sex - usually transfer this resentful attitude to their marriage and sexual relationship. They might unconsciously be resentful and suspicious towards their spouses.

   So if for example the woman has a grudge against her father, she might also be suspicious of her husband or even have a sexual dislike to him – she might feel, that her husband making a pas at her is just as if it was her own father. In the same way she doesn't perhaps understand, that the primary reason for her negative attitude can be in her early experiences in relationships, which now direct her life. She doesn't understand, that when she has the right attitude towards her parents, her relation towards her spouse can change to the better.

   The key to being freed from these bonds of the past is simple: forgiveness. If you feel that you weren't accepted as a child or have perhaps been sexually abused, you must forgive them who have treated you wrongly. You must give up all accusations and your judging attitude towards them. If you agree to give up your accusations and grudges, it can also lead to improving your sex life. The following example tells about this:

 

Too often we hear stories about how for women sexual molestation or exploitation in the childhood results in psychological rejection towards everything that is sexual. One choleric woman admitted that she was “totally dead sexually”. I don't feel anything when my husband has sex with me. It is as if I didn't have any sexual feelings". When I questioned her further, she revealed that her stepfather had forced her to have sex with him regularly from the age of six to seventeen when she was old enough to make an end to the situation. What caused the lack of her feelings? Blind anger! The woman had hated her stepfather so much, that the anger had killed her ability to love anyone else. I am happy to tell you that this woman is completely normal now, but it took a lot of time and forgiveness. (16)

 

CONTRACEPTION IN MARRIAGE

 

An issue a married couple will sooner or later face is the question of children and contraception. They might be faced with it especially if they already have several children or their economic and other resources are limited. They have to stop to think what to do when they have no more resources.

   We are going to look at contraception, which is often the only alternative in this kind of a situation (this is because it is difficult to be without sex in marriage as the other person is present all the time, compare 1 Cor 7:5). We will especially look at whether a method is really contraceptive, some methods are not that but can even cause an abortion. If you struggle with this, you should read the next lines.

 

IS IT REALLY A CONTRACEPTION METHOD?

 

In the previous paragraph we talked about some methods not being contraceptive, but can in fact cause an abortion. This happens with the use of the following methods:

 

- For example the coil doesn't prevent fertilisation, but it stops the fertilised egg cell’s from attaching to the wall of the womb. It is thus a method, which causes an abortion in a very early phase.

 

- Contraceptive pills and capsules are generally good and reliable contraception methods, they prevent the egg cell from leaving the ovary. However, in those rare situations in which the egg cell gets does leave and fertilisation takes place, they can also cause an early abortion as the fertilised egg cell doesn't attach to the wall of the womb. In these cases these methods can work in the same way as the coil.

 

- Morning-after pills work in principle as contraceptive pills, except that they contain a larger portion of hormones. These pills are however not a contraception method, but a method which prevents the fertilised egg cell’s from attaching to the wall of the womb. It can thus cause an abortion.

 

DIFFERENT METHODS

 

Even though many methods are abortive, there are also real contraception methods and ways. Of these the following can be mentioned:

 

- The condom is one of the most common contraception methods. It is in principle a very safe method, if only the condom does not break.

 

- The pessary is similar kind of preventive method as the condom. The difference is that it is placed in front of the womb to prevent the sperm from going further. You can also use contraceptive pins or contraceptive mushrooms separately or together with the pessary. They contain substances, which paralyse the sperm. Also those are placed inside the woman’s vagina before sex.

 

- Interrupted intercourse is the most common method. Its disadvantage is that it is a psychological disappointment to both, because you won't experience the climax. As a method it is also unreliable, because ejaculation may take place faster than is expected and the sperm can reach the egg cell.

 

- Sterilisation, binding the woman’s fallopian tube or the man’s seminal duct, is also one method. Its disadvantage is that it is usually irreversible and thus generally suits older people better. The operation is easier to do to the man, and for example in Finland it can be done without an authority’s permission only to people over 30 years, or to parents who already have at least three children. Because of its irreversibility, it can't be recommended to many people.

 

- The reliable days. One increasingly popular method is not to have sex on those days, when it is possible to get pregnant. It has been proved that fertilisation can take place only during a certain time, in the middle of the menstrual cycle when the woman’s egg cell loosens from the ovary and is carried into the fallopian tube. (The menstrual cycle is calculated to start from the first day of menstruation and it ends on the first day of the next menstruation.).

   Therefore, if you avoid sex on the day the egg cell loosens in the middle of the menstrual cycle, and a few days on each side (The egg cell lives only about one day, the sperm can stay alive inside the woman for about 3-4 days), fertilisation can’t take place. Based on this we could say that days 1-7 and 20-28 of the menstrual cycle are generally unfertail, while days 8-19 are when it is possible to get pregnant. If a woman’s menstrual cycle is very irregular, it can naturally change these figures.

   In any case. There are certain signs from which you can recognize the moment when the egg cell loosens and it is possible to get pregnant. These are:

 

1. The body temperature always rises about 0,5 degrees when the egg cell loosens, and stays there until the next menstruation. If the body temperature is measured every morning and it has stayed there for three days, the next days after that will be unfertile.

   The problem with this method is that also other things like having a cold or an infectious disease can raise the body temperature.

 

2. Another sign is that there is a change in the phlegm, which comes from the vagina. The phlegm, which has nothing to do with the menstrual discharge, is soon after the menstrual discharge white, dim and dry.  When the egg cell loosens it changes into bright, more agile and running. This translucent phlegm is secreted only for a few days, until it again changes into being whiter again. If intercourse doesn't take place during these few days, fertilisation can’t take place either.

 

3. When you feel a sharp pain in your lower stomach, it is often a sign that the egg cell is loosening. Combining this sign with the two preceding ones and you can be quite sure.

 

 

 

                                           

 

REFERENCES:

 

1) Daniel NYLYND: Hankalat suhteet, p.118-119 / citation from the book, In-Laws, Outlands, article of NORMAN WRIGHT.

2) ROB PARSONS: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta (LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS), p.39-40.

3) Merlin CAROTHERS: Taivasta maan päälle (BRINGING HEAVEN INTO HELL), p.32

4) DAVID WILKERSON: Jumalan paras sinua varten (HAVE YOU FELT LIKE GIVING UP LATELY), p. 22,23

5) TIM LAHAYE: Luonteesi ja sen mahdollisuudet (YOUR TEMPERAMENT DISCOVER IT’S POTENTIAL), p. 238

6) BILL and LYNNE HYBELS: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT TO BE TIED), p.138-139.

7) ROB PARSONS: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta (LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS), p.235.

8) BILL and LYNNE HYBELS: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT TO BE TIED), p.140.

9) Daniel NYLYND: Luova uskollisuus, p.108, 109 / citation from the book Myytti vihreämmästä ruohosta  (THE MYTH OF THE GREENER GRASS) / Allan Peterson.

10) BOB MUMFORD: Onnellisina elämän loppuun asti (LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER), p. 40

11) MAIJU KUHANEN: Minä nainen, p. 159-162

12) BILL and LYNNE HYBELS: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT TO BE TIED), p. 155

13) ED WHEAT: Onnellisina yhdessä (LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE), p.26-27.

14) Daniel NYLYND: Luova uskollisuus, p. 41 / citation from the book Myytti vihreämmästä ruohosta  (THE MYTH OF THE GREENER GRASS) / Allan Peterson.

15) FLOYD MCCLUNG, Jr. :Jumalan Isänsydän, p. 84 (THE FATHER HEART OF GOD)

16) TIM LAHAYE: Luonteesi ja sen mahdollisuudet (YOUR TEMPERAMENT DISCOVER IT’S POTENTIAL), p. 226

 

 

SOURCES:

 

BOVET THEODOR: Avioliitto (DIE EHE. EIN HANDBUCH FUR EHELEUTE)

CHRISTENSON LARRY: Kristitty perhe (THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY)

CHRISTENSON LARRY and NORDIS: Kristitty koti (THE CHRISTIAN COUPLE)

COLE EDWIN LOUIS: Miehuuden haaste (MAXIMIZED MANHOOD)

DAVIS LINDA: Näin voitat puolisosi Jeesukselle (HOW TO BE THE HAPPY WIFE OF AN UNSAVED HUSBAND)

GRAHAM BILLY: Avioliitto ja kotimme (THE CHRIST-CENTERED HOME)

HYBELS BILL: Kristityt seksihullussa kulttuurissa (Christians IN A SEX CRAZED CULTURE)

HYBELS BILL ja LYNNE: Rakkaudesta rakennettu (FIT TO BE TIED)

KARPPINEN SAARA: Tahdon

LAHAYE TIM: Erilaisina onnelliset (FOUR STEPS TO AN INTIMATE MARRIAGE)

LAHAYE TIM: Luonteesi ja sen mahdollisuudet (YOUR TEMPERAMENT DISCOVER IT’S POTENTIAL)

LEE, NICKY & SILA: Avioliitto-opas

LILLY GENE: Anteeksiantamisen voima (GOD IS CALLING HIS PEOPLE TO FORGIVENESS)

MADSEN POUL: Avioliiton ihanteet (HÖGA IDEAL)

MUMFORD BOB: Onnellisina elämän loppuun asti (LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER)

NYLYND DANIEL: Hankalat suhteet

NYLYND DANIEL: Luova uskollisuus

PARSONS ROB: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta (LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS)

SOPANEN MARJA-LIISA ja TAPANI: Toinen toisellemme

TROBISH WALTER: Kanssasi naimisiin (I MARRIED YOU)

VENDEN MORRIS L.: Minä, sinä ja hän (LOVE, MARRIAGE AND RIGHTEOUSNESS BY FAITH)

WHEAT ED: Onnellisina yhdessä (LOVE LIFE FOR EVERY MARRIED COUPLE)