marriage problems, sex in marriage, improving marital relationship, differences between men and women

Marriage problems?

How can you improve your marriage? The most common problems in marriage and how to solve them.

This article discusses marriage and its problems. Can this relationship be improved and what can each of us do about it? Many people may have fears or prejudices about this issue. Perhaps the background is the bad marriage or divorce of their parents. This may have given rise to the idea that can a person themselves succeed any better. Or perhaps the reason is the idea of the sexual revolution that began in the 1960s that “if a man and a woman love each other”, they can have sexual intercourse and live together without a marital commitment. In this model of thought based solely on romantic love, people do not want to commit permanently, but are ready to end it if problems arise in the relationship. They do not think that the promise of a lifelong marriage to another person is a demonstration of love. It shows that the other person loves enough to rule out other options. In addition, marriage offers the best starting point for children to be born. They have parents who are committed to each other and a home ready for them when they are born. Perhaps the biggest reason for the problems and increasing malaise of today's children is precisely that parents are not properly committed to each other or have divorced.

In any case, the following lines will discuss the problems of a marital relationship, the biggest of which is our own selfishness. Changing ourselves is the most difficult task, but it is the best starting point for achieving a good marital relationship. In this area, it is worth paying attention to the following things:

Is your relationship with God okay? The most important thing in every person's life is that they have a relationship with God, that they have received salvation through Jesus Christ and that they want to be a follower of Jesus Christ. There are millions of people who have only embraced Christianity, but it is a completely different thing that Jesus has become a person's personal savior, that a person puts their hope in Him for salvation and surrenders their entire life to Him. Has this been fulfilled in your life or are you still outside the kingdom of heaven? If these things have not yet become clear to you, do not stay in your current state, but surrender your entire life to Jesus Christ, through whom you can receive forgiveness of your sins and eternal life. You can pray, for example, as follows:

The prayer of salvation: Lord, Jesus, I turn to You. I confess that I have sinned against You and have not lived according to Your will. However, I want to turn away from my sins and to follow You with all my heart. I also believe that my sins have been forgiven through Your atonement and I have received eternal life through You. I thank You for the salvation that You have given me. Amen.

The problem with many relationships is that they expect from their spouse what only God can fulfill. They expect their spouse to make them happy. They seek fulfillment from another person, not from God, and that will always lead to disappointment (Psalm 73:28 But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all your works.). The reason is simple: no one is perfect, and if we make another person our idol or source of happiness, we will always be dissatisfied. No one can perfectly fulfill our deepest desires and needs. This does not mean that your spouse is not important to you, but God and his love should be the foundation on which you build your life. On the other hand, when we come into closer contact with God, it helps to improve our relationship with our spouse and loved ones. It strengthens people’s ability to give and receive love. A good relationship with God, your spouse, and your neighbors are not in conflict with each other.

Some may also explain that they have married the wrong person, but in reality, every person is the wrong person because there are no two fully compatible people. There are only imperfect, sinful people, and that is something that must be accepted. Of course, in advance, during the dating phase, one can strive to have many common factors and values, but there will always be something missing from that ideal person that we may be looking for. We must accept this fact and commit to loving the other person and no longer think about what happened in the past. Each person should transform themselves into the kind of spouse that they are as suitable as possible for the other person.

So how does Christian faith affect marriage, if it is genuine? It makes it a little easier for us to put the needs of others first – God can strengthen our weak will through His Holy Spirit – and to want to follow God’s instructions in this area. This can mean, among other things:

• Focus primarily on improving your own life and overcoming your own selfishness. This may mean making a list of things you need to improve about yourself. You can also tell your spouse that he or she is not responsible for your moods and reactions, but you are. You should not focus on your spouse's mistakes, because it is written:

- (Matt 7:3-5) And why behold you the mote that is in your brother's eye, but consider not the beam that is in your own eye?

4 Or how will you say to your brother, Let me pull out the mote out of your eye; and, behold, a beam is in your own eye?

5 You hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye.

• You do not threaten the other person with divorce if they do not meet all your needs. The other person can easily interpret this as meaning that marriage means nothing to you. On the other hand, when you focus on your spouse’s well-being and do not keep the door open for divorce, it is easier to take action to improve the relationship. If a person is constantly planning to end and continue the marriage, or is gathering evidence for a possible and future divorce, nothing will come of improving the relationship. So close the door to divorce in your words and thoughts. On the other hand, God will judge adulterers, because it is written:

- (Hebr 13:4) Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

• You want to live in forgiveness and do not reminisce about or bring up your spouse's past actions or omissions. Gratitude for your spouse despite his or her shortcomings will bring satisfaction to your life. On the other hand, if people's attention is on the shortcomings and mistakes of their spouses, it makes everyone unhappy. In this area, we should talk reason to ourselves and choose gratitude and cheerfulness instead of grumbling and judgment:

- (Luke 6:37) Judge not, and you shall not be judged: condemn not, and you shall not be condemned: forgive, and you shall be forgiven:

- (1 Cor 13:4,5) Charity suffers long, and is kind; charity envies not; charity braggs not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil;

- (Col 3:15,16) And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also you are called in one body; and be you thankful.

16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.

- (1 Thess 5:16,18) Rejoice ever more.

18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

• You are not just looking for your own comfort, but you are trying to make your spouse happy and satisfied. (A good question is, do you get married expecting the other person to make you happy or do you try to make the other person happy and satisfied?) Love is often confused with infatuation, but in reality love is a matter of the will. Strong positive feelings are not necessary for love, but the action of the will is. When Christ came to earth and died on the cross for our sins, he did not think about himself and his comfort, but he chose the more difficult way to bring about salvation for people (2 Cor. 8:9 For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, that you through his poverty might be rich.). This is a good model for marriage. Strong romantic feelings are not always present in relationships, or they may be absent altogether, but when a person wants to love and do their best for the happiness of the other, good can be achieved. When a person acts and behaves as if they are in love, they may soon notice that their feelings change in the same direction:

- (1 Cor 7:32-34) But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried cares for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:

33 But he that is married cares for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.

34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married cares for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

• Above all, it is worth remembering that every person will answer to God one day for how they have acted in their close relationships. This also applies to their relationship with their spouse and children. Have you betrayed your spouse, neglected them, or have you done your best for the well-being and happiness of another? Through Jesus Christ, of course, we receive forgiveness for our sins and shortcomings, and in this area there are no other people but imperfect people. In addition, others have weaker starting points for marriage due to, among other things, their past difficult experiences (sexual abuse, lack of love from their own parents, or other traumatic experiences). However, it is essential that we strive in the direction that we know is right and that means love and the best for our neighbors:

- (Romans 14:12) So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

- (Revelation 20:12) And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works.

On the other hand, if a person has neglected their spouse, acted wrongly, or been lazy in their love, it is never too late to try to fix the matter. Recognize your own wrong ways, admit to the other person your selfishness and neglect, and tell them that you want to do better from now on! Do not demand or expect the other person to change, but start the change within yourself! This is what God expects from every person:

- (Matt 4:17) From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

- (Acts 17:30) And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commands all men every where to repent:

- (James 5:16) Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Prioritize! When God created the first humans and instituted marriage, the condition for marriage was that a man leave his parents and be united to his wife (Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall join to his wife: and they shall be one flesh.). The same command applies to women; they too must leave their parents so that the marriage relationship can be healthy.

It is easy for us to fail in this regard. The mother-in-law problem is familiar in many cultures, when the husband's or wife's mother interferes in the marriage or the child constantly turns to his or her mother or both parents. The problem is especially common when both generations live under the same roof. In that case, it is difficult to detach from one's parents in a healthy way. One's spouse may feel like an outsider when the wife/husband constantly turns to his or her parents. Or it is possible that one lives separately from the parents, but keeps in touch with the parents by phone every day. This can also be an obstacle to creating a healthy marriage relationship and the spouse may feel jealous.

What should you do as a spouse in this situation? Don’t cut off contact with your parents completely, but be careful that their influence doesn’t become too important and controlling! Sometimes it can be difficult to say no, but if you want your marriage to improve, this is necessary. Of course, parents themselves should think about this. They shouldn’t tie their children too much to themselves, they shouldn’t interfere in their children’s marriage, and they shouldn’t spend too much time on the phone with their children. Parents should make it easy for their children to detach from them in a healthy way and in a way that doesn’t make them feel wrongly guilty and burdened.

What about other relationships and things? If giving up on your parents is necessary, it is important for us to prioritize other things as well. For example, children should never become more important than your spouse for either parent. The best thing for children is a good relationship between parents. It brings security and stability to their lives. If you love your children more than your spouse (or scold your husband/wife in front of your children) or focus all your attention on your children, you will cause them harm and put them in an awkward situation. Therefore, keep your relationship with your husband/wife number one (after your relationship with God) and your children a good second. This way you will promote the well-being of your children and the best of your marriage.

Many can honestly say that their spouse is the most important person in their life, but is that really the case? Often our behavior and lifestyle tell the difference and we are not even present in the presence of the other person. Maybe work has become more important than marriage, maybe hobbies take up time, maybe TV takes up time, maybe surfing the Internet takes up time, maybe friends take up time, or we have other concerns and busyness. Or maybe home decoration and the pursuit of a dream home become too dominant. Many good things can take the place of a spouse, even spiritual work. Then it is time to repent and refocus attention on the most important person who has been by their side all along. We should prioritize things. Our relationship with God is the most important. Then come our spouse, children, and only then spiritual work and other things.

David Wilkerson has told us how we can fail in this area. He is talking about children, but it could just as well be about our own spouse. Spiritual work is a good thing, but along with that we should remember the closest people around us, our own spouse and children. Undivided attention (listening, giving time…) to our spouse and children is essential if we want to do something for our marriage and for the children not to turn their backs on spiritual matters:

The problems of Christian parents are often quite different. Children who rebel against Jesus are often actually rebelling against their believing parents...

… It is true that God-fearing parents often put too much pressure on their children. They pester them about church attendance, dress codes, and standards of behavior. And even if this insistent concern stems from love for their children’s eternal souls, this overbearing and uncompromising strictness can lead to terrible rebellion. Preachers’ children are often the worst rebels.

Christian parents may also be in danger of becoming so involved in the work of the kingdom of God that they neglect their own children. I speak from experience! Too often I have had the sons and daughters of missionaries and pastors of churches come into my care and become drug addicts. Their parents had always been so busy in the Lord’s work that they had no time for their beloved children. Those very children have then gone out into the streets in search of attention, love, and friendship. By the time the parents try to make up for their neglect, it is too late. (1)

Love and respect

- (Eph 5:22-25, 28, 33) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body.

24 Therefore as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.

33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

- (Genesis 2:18) And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

One of the accusations of modern feminism is that the Bible is a patriarchal book, and that its teaching about the roles of husband and wife is subjugating to women. These critics are both right and wrong. The Bible is indeed a patriarchal book, but is that a bad thing or a good thing? I think the critics fail to distinguish between selfless and selfish, right and wrong patriarchy. They are two different things.

So if a man is called to be the head or leader of his wife according to God's model, it mainly means two things:

• A man seeks God’s will and plan for his life above all else. Prayer and the study of God’s Word are key factors in this. Christ is the head of man (1 Corinthians 11:3), and if a man does not first seek to be obedient to Christ and God, he cannot function very well in his role. Every man must first learn to follow a true leader so that he himself can become a good leader. Often this means denying his own will and selfishness, which is the most difficult thing. Almost everyone fails at this, but guidelines are given.

• After the relationship with God is in order, comes the relationship with the wife. This does not mean subjugating, dominating, commanding, violence, or tyrannical authority over the woman, which is what feminists often try to portray when they attack the Bible's teaching on the subject.

Instead, the model for a man is Jesus, who came not to be served but to serve (Mark 10:45). In practice, this means that a man is called to be a servant leader, a leader who loves his wife, who takes into account the needs of his spouse, who takes responsibility for his spouse’s well-being and satisfaction. This is not an easy task. Furthermore, in making decisions, a man should not selfishly carry out his own will, but should take into account his wife’s thoughts and ideas. Since a man and a woman are created to complement each other, a man can notice things through his spouse that he would not otherwise be able to take into account.

What about a wife’s submission and respect for her husband? In today’s culture, it is not a very popular topic, but it is God’s will. A wife who does not respect her husband unconditionally is sinning against God. Men do not always make this easy for wives. If a man is selfish, unloving, a drunkard, or otherwise difficult, it is difficult for any woman to show respect for her husband, but it should be done regardless. Setting conditions for respect and constant nagging is not the model set by God (Prov. 25:24 It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. / Prov. 27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.) . Also, if a wife wants her husband to change, respect is a key factor. It is easier for a man to change if he receives unconditional acceptance and respect. Instead, the wife's disrespectful behavior and nagging only leads to the man starting to justify his behavior and no change for the better is expected.

The same applies to a man's salvation. Many women hope that their husbands will be saved, and therefore try to get their husbands interested in this matter through talk and nagging. However, Peter taught that it is easier to win men to Christ without words and if their own walk is first in order. This is no guarantee that a man will be saved quickly, but it does make it easier for a man to be interested in this subject:

- (1 Peter 3:1-6) Likewise, you wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands:

6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters you are, as long as you do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

The difference between men and women . Nowadays, the trend is to downplay the differences between men and women, but the differences are obvious. The body structure is completely different, and the way we approach things is different.

As a generalization, a man defines himself through his actions and work, but a woman through relationships. Unemployment is a tougher place for men than for women, while women consider relationships more important than their own careers. The following quote shows women's attitudes. Carol Cilligan interviewed professionally successful women and noted how they valued good relationships with others more than their successful careers. Academic achievements were not on the same level as relationships on their value scale.

When I asked the women to describe themselves, they all referred to their relationships. They described themselves as being a mother, a wife, an adopted child, an ex lover – they depicted their identity in relation to somebody else. These highly educated women who had done well in their careers did not even mention their academic or professional achievements when describing themselves. They even thought that their professional activity could make it more difficult for them to be aware of themselves. (...) They defined their identity in relation to other people. (2)

Another quote also reveals the differences between men and women. The young journalist noticed that men are not the same as women after all. It was a shock to her. Such differences point to the richness and difference that exists between men and women. Both sexes have their good qualities. In some things, women are better and more skilled than men, but in others, men. Their interests vary somewhat. Of course, there are individual differences between different people.

A young female reporter was reading the online discussion forum of a Finnish magazine Vauva that is meant for people with babies and noticed that there was a separate discussion forum also for fathers. The reporter was amazed when she noticed what the men were talking about: not about babies and being involved in childbirth, but about cars. They had plenty of opinions and analyses when comparing different types of Japanese family cars, but only a few had answered a question about how it felt to be present when their child was born. The reporter was even more amazed because she knows a fair amount of men who do not even have a driver’s license. She had never thought that having a baby would cause an overwhelming need for men to talk about cars with their peers! She was truly shocked at how different the interests of men are from those of women. (3)

When it comes to marriage and relationships, men and women also value different things. Their needs and desires are different, although there are also similarities. In general, it has been found that the following things are important to women and men:

Women’s needs

1. Husband being considerate and attentive

2. Husband talking with them

3. Husband being honest and open

4. Husband taking on responsibility for finances

5. Husband being committed to the family and being a good father

Men’s needs

1. Sexual fulfillment

2. Company of the wife at leisure

3. Wife being attractive and taking care of herself

4. Well-kept home

5. Wife’s admiration and appreciation

If a woman and a man have different needs, what does this mean? It means that you have to put in some effort to understand what the other person values. It may not necessarily be what the man or woman themselves think their spouse needs, but it may be something else. Men in particular are often surprised to hear what their wives really think about their marriage and what they hope for. On a scale of one to ten, men can rate their marriage several points higher than their wives. The reason for this is probably that the man is completely unaware of his wife’s needs and desires and thinks everything is fine.

When a woman's first need is attention from her man, this is something to pay attention to. Maybe the man has started to forget this and has started to take his wife for granted. He doesn't thank his wife for her efforts at home when he comes home from work, doesn't talk to her enough, doesn't hug her, doesn't ask how she is and how her day went, or knows how to listen to her properly. Or maybe the man never participates in household chores, such as cleaning the house without being asked or doing unfinished work. Many women appreciate these practical actions.

Most women also want to be courted, that a man notices them, pursues them, and that they are wanted, not only on a sexual level, but as a person - this can include physical touching without sex. Romance is the spice of a woman's life. Yes, many women enjoy sex, but for most women, the overall quality of the relationship is what matters. Many men can fall into a dormant state after the initial phase and initial excitement of a relationship, where they begin to neglect these fundamental elements of a relationship.

What about men? Women can forget that sex is an important thing for most men. Men want a positive attitude towards this issue from women, such as a woman responding to a man’s suggestions for sex, responding to caresses, or a woman saying “I’m in the mood, let’s go for a little airing tonight, that feels good…” (more on this later). Many women can neglect this area if they feel that their man has neglected them first.

Ordinary everyday life also means a lot. A man feels loved when he receives praise and appreciation for his actions, when his wife respects him as her leader and “master.” Few men are special in this regard, but a wife’s respectful and warm attitude can have a positive impact on a man. There are many ways a wife can show her respect and appreciation. The general rule is that she strives to fulfill her husband’s wishes and serve him to the best of her ability.

Communication problems. When problems and arguments occur in everyday life, it is typical for us to become angry and bitter. We look for the reason for our angry feelings outside, i.e. in what the other person has done (“You always do that”, “You never…”). We do not take the plank out of our own eye, as Jesus taught us to do, but we focus on the other person’s mistakes (Matt 7:3,5: And why behold you the mote that is in your brother's eye, but consider not the beam that is in your own eye?... You hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye.”). However, angry feelings and bitterness are always our own product. They do not result from the other person’s behavior, but from how we ourselves relate to the actions of the other person.

This is also true in marriage. The other person does not make you angry, but you make yourself angry and bitter. In this situation, you should first focus on your own repentance and your relationship with God. You should love your spouse, even if you have experienced disappointment and feelings of anger towards him, as Jesus taught. Similarly, Paul urged us to avoid bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking, which are typical reactions to being betrayed by a spouse. They should be replaced by kindness, tenderheartness, and forgiveness.

- (Luke 6:27) But I say to you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

- (Eph 4:31,32) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

32 And be you kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you.

When there are difficulties in a marriage, it manifests itself as negative communication, as stated. However, one of the reasons for the problems is the difference between men and women. They don't understand each other, even if they try their best. A typical situation is that the wife wants to talk about things that bother her and are on her mind. The man may experience it as an accusation against himself or that he should somehow solve problems. However, the wife usually only wants the husband to listen compassionately and does not expect anything else. The following practical example illustrates what is at stake:

My wife Sally once told me about being frustrated over some personal problems. I started to give her advise on how to solve those problems. I will never forget her answer. "I didn’t come to talk to you so that you would teach me or preach to me," she said. ”I know what I have to do. When you start to teach me, I feel as if you didn't listen or care at all for me. I want someone to listen to me. If I can't speak to you, to whom can I speak?”

At that moment, I decided that I want to be the kind of a husband who gives the freedom and security to his wife and other people to tell about their feelings without having to fear criticism, preaching, or acts of revenge. I have also had to teach other people about positive and accepting listening. (4)

When a wife wants her husband to listen to her patiently, compassionately, and try to understand her feelings, it has a very positive effect on most women when this happens. If women don’t have to pretend to be more loving and affectionate than they are, they will appreciate being accepted for who they are. On the other hand, if a man starts giving advice to a woman, suggesting solutions, interrupting her, trying to cheer her up, downplaying the problem and her feelings (“it can’t be that bad,” “there’s no point in worrying about it”), or not making eye contact with his wife, focusing on reading a newspaper, for example, she will perceive it as a belittling of her feelings. The biggest complaint and source of dissatisfaction for women in marriage is precisely that men don’t know how to listen properly. A man may forget the following words of James and Peter:

- (James 1:19) Why, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

- (1 Peter 3:7) Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

It helps if the husband avoids unnecessary interruptions when his wife is sharing her experiences. Instead, he can encourage his wife to tell him more and ask her additional questions (“Honey, are you angry with me? Tell me more about how you felt, etc.) and let her do the talking. Even if the wife initially says that nothing bothers her, this is not necessarily true. The wife may be afraid of her husband’s criticism and will not dare to open up further. Therefore, the husband must use questions and encouragement to entice his wife to come out of her shell so that she can share the things that are weighing on her mind. Women usually find immediate relief when they share their concerns with someone who listens to them sympathetically, without interrupting or judging. If the husband is not ready for sympathetic listening, the woman may not dare to open up.

What about men? They are usually different from women. When a woman releases stress by talking and her problems disappear, men do the opposite. They go into their own cave, are silent and long for some time to be alone. A woman can easily perceive it as a man being dissatisfied with her, but that is not the case. Similarly, a woman may try to get a man to open up with questions and tell about the things on man's mind, because it helps herself, but such talk can tease and irritate a man. The wife should understand that the man unravels things differently than the woman. After being alone for a while, and after a man has been trying to come up with solutions to his problems, he may suddenly come out of his cave. Then he behaves more positively again.

What should the wife do in this situation? She should accept her husband's differences and need for space, and not pressure him to talk, but let him relax in peace. The wife should check if he is in the mood to talk, and if not, let him be completely alone (in this situation, the husband can tell her that he needs some alone time and that we can talk later. This will help the wife to be more carefree). The wife can also encourage her husband to spend time with his friends and hobbies, and tell him that she does not want to put any obstacles in his way. She can prepare a meal for her husband if he wants to go fishing with his friends, for example. Such things and the wife's attitude greatly relieve the husband, and when he is relaxed enough again, he can pay attention to his wife again. The wife can react warmly to this, showing that she is happy that her husband has finally come out of his cave.

Problems in the area of sex. Marriage, the life together of a husband and wife, is not always simple. This also applies to sex life, where several problems can arise. Below are listed some of the most common ones:

• The past affects the marital relationship. If a woman has experienced sexual abuse as a child or young person, the memories of the abuse can still have an impact. It can be difficult for a woman to let her husband close to her, it can be difficult to enjoy sex, and in bed there can be a wall between the spouses. Shame about the past prevents her from freely engaging in sexual relations with her spouse. More and more people have similar experiences.

What should be done in this situation? Everyone can give their shame and burden to Jesus Christ, who said: “Come to me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). A person’s current position, if he has welcomed Jesus into his life, is not determined by what he himself has done in the past or what has been done to him, but by what Jesus has done and what a person is through Jesus Christ.

However, talking about the pain of the past with other people can also be one of the keys to liberation. When a person shares their burden and shame with others, it helps them to free themselves from the past. Many people find it difficult to take this step because of their shame, or even to tell their spouse, but it is usually worth doing.

Another typical situation is that one of the spouses has had sexual relations before marriage and carries guilt for them. In addition, the other spouse may get irritated by past sexual relations. What should be done in this situation? Nothing helps except forgiveness from the spouse and from God. If you know that your spouse has sinned in this area, forgive him or her, because you yourself are not perfect before God, “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).

Second, there is God's forgiveness for a person who feels guilty about what they have done. A person must understand that through the blood of Jesus and the confession of sins, their relationship with God is right. God does not remember our past or blame us for it if we have brought our sins to God through Jesus. Therefore, we too should no longer blame ourselves, but accept God's forgiveness:

- (1 John 1:7,9) But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleans us from all sin.

9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

• Shame and false guilt that sex is dirty or somehow against God's will can hinder sexual intercourse within marriage. However, this is a completely unscriptural teaching. God created man and woman to complement each other, giving them compatible sexual organs. The only restriction is that sex is intended for marriage, the relationship between a man and a wife. That's not wrong. It's not intended just for procreation.

Furthermore, the biblical model is frequent sex, in which spouses fulfill their sexual obligations to each other, give their bodies to each other, and are not separated for too long. This protects a person from sexual temptations outside of marriage. Modesty should have no place in the bedroom.

- (Hebr 13:4) Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

- (Prov 5:18,19) Let your fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of your youth.

19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and be you ravished always with her love.

- (1 Cor 7:1-5) Now concerning the things whereof you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

3 Let the husband render to the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife to the husband.

4 The wife has not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband has not power of his own body, but the wife.

5 Defraud you not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

- (Song of Solomon 1:2,13) 2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for your love is better than wine.

13 A bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved to me; he shall lie all night between my breasts.

- (Song of Solomon 2:3,6) As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

6 His left hand is under my head, and his right hand does embrace me.

- (Song of Solomon 7:2,3, 6-8) Your navel is like a round goblet, which wants not liquor: your belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.

3 Your two breasts are like two young roes that are twins.

6 How fair and how pleasant are you, O love, for delights!

7 This your stature is like to a palm tree, and your breasts to clusters of grapes.

8 I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also your breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of your nose like apples;

• Low self-esteem, self-consciousness, and insecurity about one's own body can hinder sexual intimacy. Often, these issues have their roots in the past. The best thing a spouse can do in this situation is to show acceptance and appreciation so much that the other person begins to accept themselves better. Acceptance and appreciation are needed throughout life, and the sex life of a marriage is no exception.

• A man's addiction to porn is detrimental to a marriage. It makes the wife feel inadequate and unwanted when he is interested in other women. It also makes women objects, not objects of love and care. It distorts true love.

From a biblical perspective, it is also a matter of infidelity. A man is unfaithful to his wife, and his actions are comparable to adultery, because Jesus said: “But I say to you, That whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matt 5:28).

What should we do in this situation? Often we are so weak that it is difficult for us to resist temptation. The best way is to not have the Internet or television at home. Of course, God can work miracles in this area, but if this has not happened yet, it is best to keep the sources of temptation as far away as possible.

• Disparate desires are one of the biggest problems in a married couple's sex life. Desires do not coincide, which is very common. One person is more willing to have sex more often than the other. Usually the man is more willing, but sometimes the woman can be more willing than the man.

What should you do in this situation? It never hurts to talk. You should discuss how often you want to have sex, what each other enjoys most and what you don't, when is the best time to have sex, or what one spouse can do to help the other start enjoying sex more often. These and other similar issues are worth discussing.

What if, for example, a wife is never “in the mood” and repeatedly refuses to have sex with her husband? Such a person should repent of her wrong attitude and confess it as a sin to God. She must understand that when she marries, she gives her body to another (1 Cor. 7:1-5). She should also understand that by repeatedly rejecting her husband’s advances, she makes him feel unwanted and embarrassed. This is a heavy burden for many men.

If you, as a wife (or husband), have acted like this and rejected your spouse's advances, it's time for you to change. Give your husband the gift of sex, even if you yourself are not always as willing as your spouse! Don't make your husband's life difficult by constantly refusing! You should have the attitude of a servant and be sensitive to your spouse's needs. Give your husband permission to ask for sex at any time, even if you can tell him when you are most in the mood for sex! The following quotes will tell you more about this topic:

As a woman, I have the immense joy of being friends with a few pious women who are older than me. One afternoon, in the midst of a deep conversation, a wise woman told me that when her husband expresses a desire for intimacy, he never says no. Absolutely not. She had truly internalized the scripture that her body no longer belongs only to herself, but also to her husband. I had read similar advice in a book before I got married, and I have tried to follow it as best I can. The problem is that women, as we all know, tend to take longer than men to become sexually aroused. The encouragement I received encouraged me to respond positively to my husband's interest, to trust God, and to love him with my body, even if I didn't feel that way at the time. The results have been exclusively good. (5)

One of the best turning points in my (Ted) marriage and my life was when my wife, Amy, learned new things about the male brain (see Chapter 4). I want her to know what is tempting me. Before I leave on a speaking tour for the weekend, Amy says, “I’ll make sure you leave happy and sexually satisfied so you don’t have to fight temptation and lust.” We often have quickie sex before my trips. (6)

• Earlier, it was stated how men and women are different. This also applies to sex life. For a man, sex is often suitable anytime and anywhere. A man gets excited especially if the wife wants him physically, if the wife takes the initiative, if the wife wears sexy lingerie, if the wife undresses slowly and seductively, and if the wife makes noises during lovemaking. Most men get turned on by these types of things, and they're ready for sex right away.

What about women? How can a man help them get sexually aroused? It requires more effort, time and understanding that women are different. So while sex is usually the most important thing for a man and he gets aroused quickly, for a woman it is romance: a warm atmosphere, conversation, listening to her, showing attention, a man's warm tone of voice and gaze, patting her on the back and non-sexual touching, enjoying her company, affectionate words and other things related to romance. Women can get aroused by a good conversation just as much as men can by sex. On the other hand, if a woman has experienced the previous things and her need for romance has been satisfied, it will be easier for her to indulge in sex after that:

This comment is usually heard in a conversation where we ask a couple the following question: “If you could change one thing about your marriage, what would you change?” Six out of ten husbands answer: “Sex; I wish my wife were more interested.” Then we ask the wife the same question. She thinks for a moment and then answers: “Tenderness; I wish she would show me affection more often.”

Listen to how one woman describes her feelings:

I love my husband and I think he loves me, but he never says it. We rarely talk to each other these days, and even though I know my husband is very busy, I can't help but be sad that he isn't with me more. When we go to bed, he often wants to make love, but I can’t – I wish I could join him. He feels like I’m rejecting him, and in a way I guess I am. It’s strange that I actually miss him holding me, just holding me close. The strange thing is that if he did that, I would definitely want to make love. (7)

What about the sex situation itself? Typically, men can light up quickly and extinguish just as quickly. Most men ejaculate in just a few minutes (and often turn their backs on the woman afterwards), but it can take a much longer time for a woman to move from foreplay to orgasm. This means that if a man wants to think about his wife's best interests in this area, he should slow down and not have intercourse too soon. The woman's caresses and other such activities can help in this situation, so that the man himself does not get aroused too quickly. It's hard for most men, but as they get older, many men learn to hold themselves back a bit.

A word about dating. A quick word about dating and finding a spouse. When a person is looking for a spouse, a good question is what to pay attention to. Often we overvalue the wrong things: men overvalue for beauty and women for men's wealth. However, if the basis is only such things, it is not a good starting point for marriage. Better criteria are friendship, comfort together, shared values, a common vision and shared passions. Important things are also character traits and responsibility; how one relates to their loved ones - respecting or belittling - and frustrations, whether the other will keep their job or how they are suitable to be a parent of children. These types of things have a lot of meaning in everyday life.

A shared Christian faith is also important. If only one person has the desire to follow Jesus or only one has a missionary calling, it is a difficult combination. In addition, there are many nominal Christians who can say they believe in God and Jesus, but they lack the hallmarks of a Christian life: a life of prayer, reading the Bible, and attending church. On this basis, it is difficult to form a marriage where both have the same spiritual foundation.'

The best way is to reserve enough time to get to know the other person so that you don't rush the matter. There is a good opportunity for this in parishes, because through the activities of the parish, it is possible to get to know people in peace, without immediately being a question of dating. Then, when the dating really starts later, it will have a more solid foundation. A person is already aware of their partner's weaknesses and strengths.

REFERENCES:

1. David Wilkerson: Asiat halki (David Wilkerson Speaks Out), p. 34,35

2. Pirjo Alajoki: Naiseus vedenjakajalla, p. 54

3. Pirjo Alajoki: Naiseus vedenjakajalla, p. 123 / Graglia s. 2, 127

4. Floyd Mcclung, Jr. :Jumalan Isänsydän, p. 84

5. John ja Stasi Eldredge: Sodassa ja rakkaudessa / Love & War, p. 218

6. Gary Smalley, Ted Cunningham: Seksin salaisuus / The Language of Sex, p. 229

7. Rob Parsons: Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta / Loving against the odds, p. 136,137