Chapter 1 -
How have you
been treated?
The question of how you have been treated is
important. This is because someone can have an oppressed mind and be depressed
as a result of earlier experiences. The past can be carried along in the
present and one can still be bottling inside all those negative events that
happened to him or her many years before.
However, it is good to note that if
we have been bruised by the past, our experiences are not at all unique.
Instead, they are actually quite common, and if we only look around us we can
see many who must have gone through similar or even worse situations. For
example, Donald Bubna noticed this in his own ministry. He observed that he was
not the only person in the world who had suffered in this way:
Later, as a young adult in my first office as a priest, I made my
largest finds concerning encouragement. First I supposed that my painful
struggles in my childhood were unique. I did not understand that other people
had similar wounds. Only when people started coming to me because of pastoral
care did I understand that my experiences were not completely exceptional. When
I started talking about my past to people, it seemed to help them as they saw
that they had a possibility to choose. Instead of having pity on themselves,
they could let the comfort of God come into their lives so that they could
comfort and encourage other people. And so I noticed, almost by accident, that
my own problems and answers that I had received from God had in fact become a
source of assistance for other people. (1)
If we still cling to the most difficult and
painful experiences of our life, there may be reason to study the following
list. Common and especially difficult situations that some people have gone
through in their childhood and youth are described below. You may recognize
your own experiences from the list:
- Were you an unwanted child or "an
accident"? Did your parents or mother not want to have a child? Or has it
been said to you that if you had not been born, your parents would not have
needed to get married?
- Perhaps you were of the wrong sex: your
parents hoped for a girl instead of a boy, or vice versa? Maybe you were also
subconsciously forced in to the role of the other gender.
- Were you brought up in a home where
there was continuous quarrelling and fighting between the parents and where you
experienced continuous fear and distress as you waited for the next argument?
- Was one of your parents an alcoholic and
violent when he/she was drunk? Did you feel ashamed of the conditions at home
and the fact that your parent was an alcoholic?
- Was the attitude of your parents the kind that
included loud shouting, cold looks and tones of voice, irritability and
aggression?
- Did you suffer from continuous absence of your
parents? Were they completely tied up in their work so that they did not have
time for the family? Or were your parents totally indifferent towards your
going out and everything else you did? Or perhaps you have lost a parent or two
through divorce or long-term illness?
- Were you the victim of incest, i.e., sexual
violence by a close relative?
- Were you compared to your sister or brother or
somebody else and told "why can't you be more like him/her"? Was
your brother or sister favored over you?
- Did you often hear statements such as,
"You can't do anything, you are good for nothing and you will never become
anything"? Were you also shouted at and abused whenever you failed in
something? Were your performances or grades in school never enough for your
parents?
- Were you left without hugs, pats, and
affection and did you never get to be in your parents’ arms?
- Remarks about appearance and being called names
are common at home and at school. These can remain in the mind of a person for
many years.
- Did other kids despise you at school, or were
you bullied? Or perhaps you were unpopular in the eyes of your teachers?
- Some may also experience blows as adults, perhaps
at work or in the form of sexual abuse or other forms of violence.
