How to find a suitable spouse?

How to find a suitable spouse and partner? What things to consider when looking for a spouse?

Foreword

Are you looking for a spouse? Have you been trying to find a suitable companion for yourself but do not know what kind of a person would be suitable for you or what to look for in a suitable spouse?

   We are going to deal with this issue, since it is one of the most important things in life, right after a person’s relationship with God and finding eternal life. We will try to show what things are important in a relationship and what one should look for in a spouse. These points are probably already familiar to many readers; nevertheless, they are worth repeating.

Making a deal. What things should you pay attention to when searching for a spouse?

When buying a new car, it is normal for people to look for detailed information about the good and bad sides of the vehicle and also look at its durability and suitability for their personal use. These all are things that are usually checked before buying a new car.

   In some ways, a new relationship and searching for a spouse are similar. It is good to be aware of the other's weaknesses and strengths and other meaningful everyday issues. Otherwise, these issues can later come as a shock or a surprise.

   The following checklist can help to clarify the points to which attention should be paid. Most of these issues have been stumbling blocks in many relationships:

Spiritual life; have both turned to God? 

- (2 Cor 6:14) Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers…

If you already believe in Jesus and are born again, you should also try to find a believer as your companion, as the verse above teaches. When marriage is a life-long and the most long-lasting common "yoke", the spouses must have a consensus at least on this issue, because otherwise it will be difficult to find it anywhere else either. Marriage between two believers does not automatically guarantee success, but it will certainly reduce the number of conflicts.

   Many mistakes are made, especially when girls marry so that they can later save and transform their spouse ("I'll marry him so that I can lead him to faith") without understanding that it is almost an impossible task, as Paul wrote:

- (1 Cor 7:16) For what know you, O wife, whether you shall save your husband?  or how know you, O man, whether you shall save your wife?

D.L. Moody, who lived in the 1800s, repeatedly observed that problems occur when someone marries with a purpose of “improving” the other person or saving him. He noticed that especially young women were guilty of this and as a result made themselves very miserable. It would be good if Moody’s practical experience could speak to everyone who plans a marriage to improve the other person:

There is another hope that I think is the most deceitful and misleading one ever, and that breaks the hearts of many young girls. I mean that common mistake of thinking that a woman can improve a man by getting married to him. To me it is a mystery how people can be so blind to hundreds of cases we see in all societies, when faltering homes have collapsed and the lives of innocent people have been made miserable, all because a young girl wanted to marry a rascal in the hope of saving this man. I have never seen this kind of a marriage lead to anything else than grief and pain – and I have seen hundreds of such marriages. Let no young girl think that she can bring about such a transformation, when loving mothers or sympathetic sisters have failed. When you are considering matrimony, there should be clear evidence of real and thorough salvation.

   Let no Christian woman believe that she can undermine Paul's order: "Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers" (2 Cor 6:14), for in such cases I have always noticed that the husband will lose respect for his wife and that the wife will follow her Lord "from afar" or deny Him completely. (1)

You should also see whether your dating companion has turned to God and been saved before dating you. For many conversions that have taken place during dating, perhaps more than 90% of them, are not real but are based more on the fact that the person becomes interested in God because the other person is interested in Him too. He does not seek God for himself but in order to hold on to the person he loves.

   The result of this is generally that the person’s interest in spiritual things will fade. It will fade as the first flush of romance fades. It is a bit like an alcoholic falling in love; when an alcoholic falls in love, he may stop drinking but when the emotions have faded, the alcoholic normally returns to the old way of life. The reasons for the problem are much deeper and momentarily falling in love will result in no permanent change.

Personality differences can enrich the relationship but can also become a problem

In general, it has been noted that the opposite temperaments are especially attracted to each other - they may be interested in each other in a very special way. By nature, the cold can feel a pull towards the warm, quiet towards the talkative, calm towards the active, irritable towards the gentle, etc. These natures complement each other well and the relationship can become successful.

   There can, however, be problems with this. It can also mean a confrontation between stingy and squanderer, messy and tidy, idle and energetic. This means that it is not necessarily a positive thing in marriage: it can also become burdensome and turn the relationship into a battlefield. In general, the best metric for detecting the downsides of another is time. Time also shows how you can adapt to the other's bad qualities.

   The next example well describes what this is all about. As the other person's completely different personality can be very attractive, it can also bring some negatives to the marriage that may later become huge problems and burdens. This usually happens just when the first romantic flush in the marriage has faded.

A man who was recently engaged explained why he loved his bride so much. "She is a real child of nature," the man said. "Spontaneous and carefree. Full of surprises. It is so nice to be with her!” After a few months, when the same man had cancelled the wedding, he said, "My girlfriend drove me absolutely crazy. She lived in her own world, was careless and irresponsible and did not have any kind of self-control. She drove the car until the tank was empty, constantly overdrew her bank account, and bought things on a whim. And I almost got married to her. What would have become of that! (2)

Is the other person (or you yourself) inflexible, holding rigid opinions, and never admitting mistakes?

These features that can be hidden during the short dating period can become big problems in a relationship. It can sometimes be quite difficult to live with a “perfect" person, and many of us are like that. Still, if we are under the mercy of God, we can get rid of these characteristics little by little, so that they will not control our relationship.

   You can get a good idea of the other one's personality by how he/she treats his or her parents - especially how the man treats his mother and the woman her father - and people he/she doesn't need to impress. If he has a negative relationship with his parents or has a grudge against them, then these feelings will usually follow him into the marriage. Similarly, if a person is sarcastic and does not appreciate people, these features will follow with him into the marriage. These features come to light just when the first romantic flush starts to fade and the spouses see each other through clear eyes.

Responsibility: money management, holding down a job, paying bills, cleanliness of the home. Many relationships drift into difficulty due to a lack of responsibility

Responsibility is an issue that can develop if we are under the grace and mercy of God. If you are looking for a spouse, it is good for you to ask how responsible that person is (or you are). Is this person a suitable parent for your children, or unsuitable and unloving? Is this person irresponsible with money? Does this person keep jobs, pay bills on time, keep the home clean?

   These areas cause most of the problems in a relationship. According to some researchers, the use of money (getting into debt, what to spend on/save for) has been the underlying cause of divorces in 70% of all cases. Problems connected with spending money and other similar issues may seem trivial when you meet a person only now and then, but if you must live together for years, they can become big problems:

A subconscious denial of reality. It really happens, and it is dangerous. You can avoid it only if you analyse your future spouse mercilessly. How responsible is he in his work? Does he change jobs constantly? Is he conscientious and reliable? How responsible is he in relationships? Is he loyal to his friends? Have his friendships lasted through the years? What is his economic situation? Does he plan how he spends his money and does he save money for the future? Does he pay his bills on time? What is he like physically? Does he take care of his health? Does he keep his body in good condition? What about housekeeping? Does he take good care of his things? Are his things in order? Does he get around the law? Does he joke that rules are made to be broken?

   If these questions seem awkward to you, watch out. Issues that may seem insignificant during dating may be become big problems in marriage. Disappointments that are easy to tolerate when dating can become unbearable when they are daily. No question is too small. No concern is too insignificant to address. (3)

Shared interests. Having many common interests and activities provides a good foundation for a relationship

The more a couple has in common: views, habits, opinions, goals, hobbies (these are good to be discovered before dating – getting interested because of the partner doesn't last long.) and mutual friends, they are always a benefit in a marriage – they make being together much easier. On the other hand, the less a couple has in common, the greater the risk is for communication problems and conflicts. They may not have anything to talk about or they may spend too much time settling their disagreements – both alternatives are possible.

We should have gotten shared hobbies and friends. We went our separate ways, and finally we had nothing else in common than mortgage and a bed. (4)

One important aspect is spiritual work. Even if you and your spouse share the same faith, if one of you has a vision for missionary work and the other has not, then the vision can not materialize. Many believers have not fulfilled their calling because the spouse has not had the same calling. Oswald J. Smith illustrates this point:

I could tell you of many middle-aged couples who have come to me and said, "Dr. Smith, God called me once to go to the mission fields but I married a man who does not have a calling for missionary work, and now we have a family. We are now middle-aged, and it is too late. I have lost the best God had reserved for me, and now I have to be satisfied with the second best.” They have told these with broken hearts and with tears in their eyes.

   My young friend, if God has called you into the missionary field, you do not have a right to date anyone who does not have the same calling. If you obey this rule, you will never make a mistake. (5)

The dangers of marrying young

One thing worth noting is that you should not get married too young. It is always a risk if either one or both are under twenty years of age, or if they rush into marriage to escape difficult conditions. Many young people may be immediately attracted if someone only offers them a way out of difficult conditions. Because they are not mature yet and are still growing up, the relationship can be quite problematic. It may become a new prison for them instead of new freedom.

   Therefore, if you plan to get married at a young age, think twice. You have nothing to lose if you wait a little longer and get to know your companion better.

If I could return to the past, I would study in peace and live my youth before moving in with anyone. I would also postpone having children and would not start building a house at the same time. You do not have to get everything at once: you can do things one after another, over time. (6)

I should not have started to date when I was 17. On some level, I knew that I was making a mistake, and over the years I found how big a mistake it was. But without those years, I would not be the person I am now. I had to look myself in the eye and work with myself a lot but now I know who I am and what I want, and I can live a life that is suitable for me. (7)

Securing employment before marriage is beneficial

There is a good advice in Proverbs, "Prepare your work without, and make it fit for yourself in the field; and afterwards build your house.” (Pro 24:27). This means that it is not good to build a relationship on nothing. Especially the man should have a job first, so that he can support his family.

   Many problems in marriage are the result of these basic things not being in order; a young couple may even begin their life together at the home of either of their parents, which cannot be recommended. You are not stupid if you wait awhile and try to get these basic things in order first.

Are there differences in social status, education, and upbringing?

Differences in social status, education, and family life are not usually recommended. This is especially problematic in situations where the woman is academic and highly educated, and the man is working class. It is true, of course, that these and other obstacles can be overcome.