1. Show approval!

CHANGE YOURSELF! When the children of a family have behavior problems and disorders, it is very normal for us to look for reasons merely in the children. The bad behavior may make us think that the child is "naughty",  "a problem child", "disturbed", or "unadaptable", but we do not search at all for what has caused this kind of behavior. In other words, we concentrate only on the consequences, on the unsuitable behavior we’re seeing at that moment, but we do not understand the causes of the behavior.

   We should note, however, that children’s bad behavior is often only a symptom of something else. It can be a symptom of parental neglect. Perhaps the cause is parents’ hurry and indifference, the fact that they have not spent enough time with their children or shown interest in their children, or may be that the parents have been quarrelling with each other (a very common reason for behavior problems), which has caused their children to rebel and be difficult. Or perhaps they have done their best, but the child feels that his emotional needs are not being met. Perhaps his "battery of emotional life" – the next quote talks about this – has not been recharged and this has caused the different kinds of symptoms:

Another key thing that parents should understand is that the child has a kind of emotional battery. This battery is of course a figment of the imagination, but still very real. Every child has emotional needs, and many things depend on whether these emotional needs are met (by loving, understanding, directing and so on). Fulfilling needs first of all affects how the child feels: whether he is satisfied, angry, depressed, happy. Second, it affects his behavior: whether he is obedient, disobedient, whimpering, perky, playful or withdrawn. The fuller the battery, the more positive emotions and better behavior.

    And now follows one of the most important sentences of this book. We can expect that it is easiest to get along with a child and he develops best when the battery of his emotional life is full. And who is responsible for keeping this battery charged? Parents. A child's behavior indicates how empty or full his battery is... (1) 

How can we address this problem – bad behavior that arises because a child does not feel he has his parents’ approval? We should note that this should not be started the wrong way, with discipline. These kinds of problems will not go away by increasing discipline (except in small children: it can be effective for a period of time), or by shouting and threatening the child. We must address the primary cause first. Punishment in this situation can actually worsen the situation, because the parents are punishing children for expressing anger about injuries that are most frequently caused by the parents!

   Therefore, we should understand that addressing the situation always starts with taking care of the relationship not through discipline – which only addresses the consequences – but by uncovering the basic problem itself. The parents must start by showing their interest, attention and sympathy towards their children. For if the cause of bad behavior is the absence of a loving bond, this must first be corrected so that progress can be made. Many behavioral problems disappear simply when children are paid attention in positive ways.

   The next quote refers to a similar situation. It describes a very typical case: the relationship between siblings in a family. Often just the child who gets the least favorable attention from his parents behaves like a “naughty" child:

When I think about the significance of those three words, I remember a certain home. In the family, there were three boys. The oldest one studied in an esteemed college, and he dropped fancy words the whole supper. The youngest one was a funny guy who reminded me of Huckleberry Finn. And then there was the middle son.

   The middle one was 12 years old and very difficult. He moped in the morning and moped in the evening and didn’t get along with anybody. I was visiting the family on a sermon journey, and this boy embarrassed his parents time after time. The parents tried to silence him, but did not succeed.

   When the boys rose from the table after the dinner, the father said to me, "Do you see our problem?”

   "I don't," I answered stupidly.

   "The middle one.”

   "So," I answered, ”He is in a difficult situation. He has to live between two extremities. The big brother is clever in speech and the little brother charms all. But when compared with his brothers he is as interesting as unsalted mashed potatoes. He is at such an age. That is why he tries to get attention by his tricks.”

   I gave the parents a little time to consider this, and then continued, "Do you ever say to this boy that you love him?”

   "Well... We haven't gotten used to such," they answered.

   "I don't mean that you should start being soft in front of his pals. But it is important to learn to say it to a child. You should both every day tell him in understandable words that you love him. It can be done in many ways. You can, for example, at bedtime sit on the edge of his bed and say, ‘I have considered that if all 12-year-old boys of the town were to line up, I would take you from that line. I want to tell you something: I love you.' He will have nothing against that, I can assure you. Make up every day some way to tell it to him.”

   After two or three months, I got a letter from these parents, "Jay, thank you, thank you. Your words were of much help. The boy has changed.” (2)

MEETING NEEDS OF EMOTIONAL LIFE. When we know that children need approval and that often their bad behaviour comes from the lack of it, the next question is how these needs can be met. Is there any special means, which parents can use and by which they can try to pay attention and interest towards their children? We will try to answer this below.

You need love!

- (1 Cor 13:2,4) ... and have not charity, I am nothing.

4 Charity suffers long, and is kind; charity envies not; charity braggs not itself, is not puffed up,

- (Tit 2:4) That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,

- (1 Thess 2:7,11) But we were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherishes her children:

11 As you know how we exhorted and comforted and charged every one of you, as a father does his children

The first thing to pay attention to is whether we have love for children. Surely the essence of living with children is that a parent has a basic kind and loving attitude towards their children—an attitude that makes every effort to show them that they are accepted as they are, and the attitude that God has toward us, that is, a merciful and loving attitude. Only in such an atmosphere will it be good and comfortable for children to live:

- (Luke 6:36) Be you therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

- (Col 3:12) Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, long-suffering;

On the other hand, if we have a cold and loveless attitude, which can mean a cold look and tone of voice, as well as constant irritability and impatience with children (children often sense our inner attitudes and irritability very easily, even if we try to hide them), we can get help in this situation. The Bible clearly shows that "what is impossible with men is possible with God" (Luke 18:27). This means that if you yourself do not have love and other good qualities, God can bring about the thing of which you are incapable. This all is possible through the Holy Spirit, who lives in us when we have received Christ into our lives. If you, therefore, turn to God and Christ, this can come true also in your life:

- (Rom 5:5) And hope makes not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us.

- (Phil 2:13) For it is God which works in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

Giving of time and showing undivided attention to children is one of the most important ways to show approval. Whenever parents reserve time for their children, play, do many sorts of things, and have fun with them or, for example, read to small children, it is a clear indication of them being interested in their children. It indicates to every child that he has an important position in the parents’ order of importance. This spending time with and showing attention to children cannot be replaced by all kinds of things and gifts, with which parents often try in vain to compensate the fact that they spend so little time with their children. Those things cannot replace one’s undivided attention:

One of the most affective letters I have ever received came from a seven-year-old girl whose father had died when she was five years old:

   Mother has gotten over it surprising well, and I am enormously proud of her. However, sometimes I am sad when I think what I was not able to experience, especially when I hear other fathers speaking about important moments with their family. But God is my Father and if my own father lived, he would be a great father. Most of all I’m angry with those fathers who have made a choice of not spending time with their children. (3)

However, it is good to note that giving time to children does not always need to mean playing games with them. It can also mean that the parents are only there when the children themselves play or do something – the parent can, for example, read a book close to the child. It can also mean that the parent simply takes children along when he or she is doing his or her chores, hobbies, anything that would need to be done anyway (cleaning, shopping, driving the car, cooking, fishing, going on a trip, hobbies, housework, etc). In this way, togetherness often takes place in a more natural way.

Embracing and touching. If we are looking for simple ways for parents to convey attention to their children, physical displays of affection such as embracing, safely touching, hugging, fluffing hair, and kissing certainly fall into this category. All of them are fairly simple ways, but often parents do not realize their great value. They do not realise that these measures can do great for children's emotional and mental health. They can strengthen a child's sense of security, create a sense of closeness between the child and the adult, and be a strong foundation for future relationships - they can be good preparation for that.

   These small expressions of attention and attachment should not be limited only to the necessary, such as dressing and undressing or moving the child from one place to another: we should use them at other times as well. These are especially important with children under the age of ten, but can also be used later. Excessive hugging can, of course, be embarrassing to an adolescent, but in some situations – for example, departure to or return from a journey, or when the young person has experienced some joyful or sad event and shares the experience – a hug, a kiss, a passing touch or a touch on the shoulder can be quite useful. A good example of this was shown by Jesus, who blessed children and put his hands on them:

- (Mark 10:16) And he took them up in his arms, put his hands on them, and blessed them.

Listening

- (Pro 18:13) He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.

- (Jam 1:19) Why, my beloved brothers, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

When parents should make time for their children, answering the child's questions patiently and listening belong in the same area. Time must be set aside for these actions too, so that they can be properly successful. If the parent constantly says: "I have more important things to do now, I don't have time to listen, go away!", or is completely absent mentally when the child is speaking, the adult only communicates indifference through this behavior.

    What is important is the correct basic attitude of the parent, an attentive and interested attitude, when the child is speaking. If the parent concentrates on listening, turns to the child, looks him in the eyes, uses positive voice cues, and if necessary, encourages him to talk more, it shows that the parent is involved in listening. It shows the child that his thoughts and opinions are important, and that he also has an important place in the value scale of his parents. It is also a good preparation for the future, because it raises the child's healthy self-esteem and helps him better to create good relationships with people.

    One good point about listening is that it can reduce negative behavior of a child and even eliminate it completely. The next quote shows very well how this can take place:

I am as a father thankful that I have learnt the significance of eye contact. It has had an enormous effect on my own children. I never forget, for example, how we moved to our current home. My sons were then six and two: happy, vigorous, normal and spontaneous children.

   When about a week had passed, we noticed a change in both of our sons. They whined, always pressed us, grumbled, fought with each other, were always in the way and in a bad mood. My wife and I tried frantically to put the house in order, before I was to start in my new job. We started both to become annoyed and angry with their behavior, but we imagined that it was all because of our moving.

   One evening, I thought again about my sons and imagined myself in their place. The reason behind their behavior problems became apparent to me as quickly as in the flash of a lightning. Pat and I were with the boys night and day, and we spoke much with them. But we were so busy in arranging the house that we didn't pay enough attention to them: they did not get any eye contact and caresses. Their emotional batteries had been emptied and they asked by their behavior, "Do you love us?”(..)

   Immediately when I understood what the problem was, I told Pat. At first, she seemed not to believe, but she was ready to try anything.

   The following day, we looked at our boys directly in the eye whenever we were able to do it when they were speaking to us (active listening) and when we were speaking to them. Whenever there was a chance, we took them into our arms and fully concentrated in them. The change was surprising. When their emotional batteries were full, they both changed again into happy, radiant, boisterous, and were soon less in the way, played by themselves and neither demanded that we have to arrange some program for them. Pat and I were both of the opinion that the time used with them was time well spent. It was soon compensated when the boys were not in the way, but what is even more important: they were happy again. (4)

Try to understand your children! If we continue in the area of listening, we may act in very unskilled ways with children. Incompetence can manifest itself in at least two of the following ways:

Denying feelings. It is possible that parents deny, suppress or belittle a child’s expression of powerful feelings – weeping and tears, anger, powerful fear or feelings arising from physical pain. Parents may try to shut their child's mouth as soon as possible so that they don't have to listen to this outpouring. Most commonly, it can manifest itself in the following parental sayings:

- Be quiet now, stop that whimpering!

- You do not talk that way in this house! Go to your room now!

- Stop grumbling and complaining!   

- Of course you like our baby. You must not hate anyone!

- You have no reason to feel like that!

- You shouldn’t worry about such a trivial thing.

- There is no reason to be afraid.

- Oh dear, it will pass.

We should note that when children have these bad feelings, they yearn for someone to understand how they feel. They do not need as much calming and advice as they need for the parent to understand what they are going through. If a child is never allowed to have a bad day or his negative feelings are always suppressed, it is like the parents do not accept him at all. It shows that the parents do not actually deem the feelings of the child important, but underrate them. In addition, this can lead to just what the parents do not want: difficult behavior that perhaps would not have occurred if the parents had tried to understand their children.

   A benefit of parents trying to understand the feelings of their children is that often the worst sting of the feelings will go away immediately after the child sees that someone understands. The sharpest pain in these negative feelings will go away at that moment.

  The next example refers to this. It describes a very common occurrence: jealously in a family. Jealousy arises when a child fears that she will lose the attention of her parents because of a new child in the family. In the following example, when the mother understood that her child was jealous and talked about it, the worst sting lifted immediately:

I was seven months pregnant. When I told five-year-old Tarja that I will have a baby, she didn’t say anything. But last week she touched my stomach and said, “I hate that baby.” I was shocked, but also delighted, when she talked about it: I had already guessed her negative feelings, and the revelation of them indicated that she trusted me. Even though I had prepared for – almost waited for – that moment, it was like a small bomb.

   I said, - It’s good that you told me. Do you fear that I will no longer have time for you when the new baby is born? Tarja nodded. I said, - Always tell me when you feel like that, so I’ll make time for you.

   The bomb was robbed of its detonator, and Tarja has not spoken about it ever since. (5)

Also, the next quote indicates how the understanding of feelings can quickly eliminate the negative feelings of a child. The key is that the parent first tries to understand how the child feels:

"Angela, our 3.5-year-old daughter, whimpered and yelled when her mother left her with me in the car when going to the supermarket. 'I want to go to mom,’ she said at least ten times, although I tried to explain that her mother will be back soon. Then she started to cry aloud. 'I want my doll. I want the doll.' When all my comforting attempts had failed, I remembered the active listening. In my despair I said, 'You miss mom, when she goes away?' Angela nodded. 'You don’t want that mom goes without you.' She nodded again and hugged 'her consolation blanket’ firmly. She looked like a small frightened kitten when she curled up in the corner of the back seat. I continued, 'When you miss mom, you want your doll.' She nodded eagerly. 'But now the doll is not here either, and you miss it as well.' She stopped crying as if by magic, came away from her corner, climbed onto the front seat beside me and started to discuss actively and cheerfully the people she saw on the parking lot.” (6)

Advising and solving problems. Another possible wrong mode of behavior is that we immediately start questioning and grilling children, to offer and force advice on them and to give solutions instead of just understanding their feelings and allowing them to solve their problems themselves. It is really possible that when a child tells parents about problems with friends in school or other problems or something that is not pleasing to him, the parents immediately start to speak instead of listening and offering sympathy. They start to give advice and solve problems that in fact are the child’s problems.

   A better alternative in this situation is to listen to the child’s problems and allow him time to find a solution for himself because it is indeed his problem. When a child speaks about his problems, the parents must refrain from starting to immediately solve the problems and to seem all-knowing. They must be like onlookers and not hurry into conflicts that they cannot solve, such as problems with friends and school, or if the child does not like a food or a person.

   As we noted above, the child does not yearn for advice but for someone to understand how he feels. When he feels that he has been understood – when someone understands his powerful feelings – this alone will already take away the worst sting of these negative feelings.

Try to understand your children! We noted earlier that parents should not try to suppress their children's emotions or solve their problems. Instead, there is a better alternative: a positive attitude towards these two things. This means that when a child talks about their strong feelings or problems, it is as if the parent has to put themselves in the other person's shoes and try to interpret how the other person feels. The parent must have a sympathetic attitude towards the feelings and problems of the other. Below is a good illustration of this positive attitude:

American psychotherapeutic Richard Belson, who has examined the possibilities to use humor in therapy, described in a seminar the next method. The whole family comes to the bed of a child with a bellyache and the parents ask him to describe precisely how bad the stomach feels. They ask the child to grimace, to groan and to curl up, depending on how strong the pain is. If the child acts his pain tamely, the parents must encourage him to a more powerful performance. They can say, for example, that this kind of pain is not so bad, it must be worse. Show really how it hurts. After the performance, the whole family can hug the child and stroke his head. Finally, the parents will say that they believe that the stomach will be much better tomorrow. Generally, the pain disappears in two or three days. If it is a question of a boy and he has sisters, who hug and comfort him, the pain goes away even faster. Boys of a certain age do anything in their power to avoid their sister from hugging them. They, for example, recover rather than be hugged. (7)

The next practical examples also refer to this subject. In the examples, the parent tries to interpret how the child feels – do you feel like this, did I understand you correctly – and how the child sees issues. In this way, the parent tries to tall whether he has understood the feelings and experiences of the child:

If the child cries because of a hurt knee:

- Oh dear, your knee must really hurt badly.

If the child cries because mother has gone shopping:

- You must miss your mother a lot when she goes to do the shopping.

If the child or young person talks about how he has been criticized:

- It must be depressing when somebody blames you.

If the child fears the dark:

- You must really hope for it to be lighter, because you are afraid.

If a young person talks about his relationships:

- So you want to be beautiful and want people to like you.

If the child says he has nothing to do:

- It must be awful when you don't have anything to do.

If a child tells the parent that he hates his little brother:

- You are angry with your brother.

If a child complains to his mother, who refuses to give him chocolate:

- You seem to be very angry with me.

A baby has been born in the family and a two-year-old is angry with the baby for getting all the attention:

- It must be hard for you when the baby is here and mom spends so much time with him.

A young person fears that he will fail in school:

- So you are worried that you will embarrass yourself.

A child doesn’t like a food:

- I suppose that this isn’t your favorite food. It takes courage to eat it anyway.

A child says that he hates school and teachers:

- You must feel bad, when you don’t like school at all.

A child gets angry and does not want to go to bed:

- You are not at all excited to go to bed.

GIVING UP WRONG ACTIONS. One way to meet the emotional needs of a child is to give up wrong attitudes and actions. Very often, we may act in a wrong way without even noticing and this may greatly damage a child. Next, we will consider some of the most commonly found incorrect actions.  

So-called constructive criticism or remarks about the deficiencies of a child and pointing out his faults is certainly one of the most harmful actions the adults can do, because it can easily destroy the child’s healthy self-esteem. This action often comes from the parents’ ambitions (for instance, living through the child: parents carrying out their own dreams and ambitions through the child) or worry about the child’s development and how he will get along with others. By constant criticism, the parents try thus improve the child's performance. The parents can express this attitude in the following ways, for example:

- Look what you will do to us if you fail!

- That is wrong, and that is wrong as well... Why can’t you learn this?

- Alright, John, but...

- Is that the best you can do?

- That looks good, but...

If we are guilty of providing the above-described so-called constructive criticism, we should give it up, because it can easily tear apart a child’s self-esteem, and because as a consequence the child will usually become an insecure adult who will have difficulties accepting himself. Finding God's approval and grace is also much more difficult for someone who has experienced this kind of criticism. These things can take years to understand.

   A better action is simply to help children and the young to understand that they do not need to be perfect, that they can be accepted as they are, even if they don’t always succeed. They have to see that acceptance does not depend on their accomplishments and behavior, but just on the fact that they are our children:

"I am proud of you. You have worked a lot – you have earned your grades. But I want to remind you of something I think you already know. I wouldn’t love you any more, because you did well. I will love you in any case. If you had come home after having failed all of your exams, I would have been disappointed, but I would not have loved you any less. You must never forget this. It is the principle of our life – yours and mine.” (8)

Unhealthy intimacy is also a way by which parents may damage children, and which appears most often in one-parent families, or in families in which the relationship between the parents is not good.

   This distorted intimacy most commonly appears when a parent turns to the children instead of the spouse, and makes the children his or her trusted friends – when the parent considers the children equal to the spouse and shares with them matters that usually belong only to adults. Or it is possible that the parent seeks support and security from their children and cries on their shoulder - this can happen especially in alcoholic families. In both of these situations, the child becomes either a substitute for the spouse or almost like a guardian.

    But how harmful such unhealthy closeness and reversal of roles can be, is evident from the following example. It shows how unhealthy intimacy can affect well into adulthood, causing e.g. sexual unwillingness:

I have many adult customers who have either in case of a divorce or a fatality become the missing spouse for their mother or father. They have borne the responsibility, comforted their parents and accepted feelings and issues that belong to adults. Not even physical absence of a parent is always needed: mental absence has also been enough for a child to become the substitute of a spouse.

   A man told how he had moved to sleep beside his mother after his father died. Every Sunday morning, they had considered together with the mother how they would get over the next week. They had shared the responsibility for the care of their home and his younger sisters. This man came to me, worried about not feeling any sexual desire towards his wife. (9)

Labeling, assigning roles, making as comparisons. One can also make a negative impact on the self-esteem of a child, or reinforce their negative behavior by labeling children or assigning them to roles by comparing children with each other. These actions are reflected in the following expressions of parents:

You’re (naughty, silly, a trollop, an idler, difficult, a pest, too shy, clumsy).

You are stupid. Don't you ever learn anything?

You are always so decent / good-natured / diligent. You never behave like your brother.

Take heed of your sister! Why can’t you behave like her?

Your brother always gets his homework right. You must learn from him.

Your sister is more beautiful than you.

If the parents say this, they may injure the child. Negative, or positive labeling and comparisons are all harmful. Their negative effects can appear in the following ways, among others:

Negative labeling. When children are given negative labels and roles, it can both discourage the child and increase their bad behavior even more. If the parents reprimand their child for being mean and disobedient - with the intention of improving the child's behavior - it usually only increases difficulties. The child may think, “I must be like this then” when this is said, or he may think that it is better to get negative attention than to get no attention at all. When the parents try to correct the behavior of children by blaming them, it may lead to just the opposite. The negative labels attached by the parents affect them like a curse.

  This can be avoided by never concentrating on the personality of the child but mainly on the behavior and what you, the parent, see. We should say, "That was wrong", instead of "You are always so naughty". In the same way, we should say, "Oh, now the milk fell, could you go and fetch a cloth?" rather than "You are always so clumsy!". In other words, we must make a difference between the behavior and the child himself – whom we love all the time.

   We should also note that if a child has already been given a negative role, he may be encouraged to act to the contrary, in other words in a positive way. (The second possible way is for the child to be given a task in just the area, where he has been marked. For example, “the pest” of the family can be named the judge who supervises law and justice between children. “The piggy” of the family, who doesn't take care about his toys can be made the police officer of the family, who supervises cleanliness among children.) Here is a good example:

- After a week Taavi tried my nerves again. He followed Antti around the living room and teased him to tears. But this time, I didn’t despair. Instead, I took Taavi by the shoulder, swung him around and nailed my eyes on him. I said angrily, 'Taavi, you can also be very kind. Use that skill!'

   He smiled timidly. And the teasing was over. (10)

Positive labeling. While negative roles usually reinforce bad behavior, positive roles, labels, and praise can be just as harmful. If someone is told, "You are always so caring, wonderful, a great poet, more reliable and wiser than your sister", these are embarrassing labels and only put pressure. The child feels he cannot be himself; he may try to settle into a role that he does not necessarily want. In such a situation, it would be much better to focus only on the behavior and say, for example: "You did great when...", and not say: "You are always so wonderful".

Comparison. The third thing on the list is comparison, which can be just as harmful as negative labels. If in any family another child is praised and set as a model - "Your brother always does everything right; why can't you be like him?" - it usually leads to the same behavior as giving negative labels. It can lead to the child adopting the exact opposite role from what the parent expects, and that he starts to behave badly and aggressively towards his sibling, who seems to get all the approval and appreciation of the parents - this is why many conflicts between siblings arise. Comparing parents can increase and maintain children's bad behavior and cause unnecessary rifts between siblings. That's why it can be so harmful.

    A better way to act in that situation is for the parents not to compare siblings at all, because the child's own behavior has nothing to do with what the other does or fails to do. Parents should treat children only as individuals and let each one feel that they are accepted just as they are, as unique individuals.

2. If there are behavior problems

When considering how to intervene in children's bad behaviour, it is worth noting that the cause of behavioural problems often lies with the parents; That they haven't met children's everyday emotional needs, or that they may have reinforced their negative roles.

   Therefore, if children's behavioral problems are caused by unmet emotional needs, the best way to remedy it is for the parents themselves to change and begin to show more positive emotions towards the children – more often than before. This alone may eliminate many difficult behavior problems.

   But what about those situations where children feel loved, accepted, have their emotional needs met, and they still do the wrong thing? What should we do then? Below, we are going to try to find answers to this question.

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF CONVERSATION. One way that we can take care of behavioral problems is simply to talk with children. The correct kind of conversation, where the children are valued, is one of the best ways to prevent bad behavior. Conversation is also useful when behavioral problems have already occurred. Below, we are going to study what should be taken into account when we wish to conduct a right kind of a constructive conversation with children.

Respect the views of children! The first important thing is to respect the views and opinions of children, even if they are not the same as our own or do not please us. The more we are able to accept different viewpoints of children and young people, and the more we do not over-react to them, the more they will value our own viewpoints. They will not so easily reject our opinions if they feel that we respect their opinions.

   On the other hand, if we are too strict, condemning, and blame children or criticize their friends, this will have just the opposite effect. Children may turn their backs on us and end up doing things we do not want them to do. This happens almost without exception if parents are too strict.

   The most important objective in conversation is for the parents to leave behind criticism and judgment of their children, and to start appreciating them. They do not have to agree to everything the children want, but they should try to appreciate them. If they use this approach during conversations, and try to learn their needs, it is likely that parents will not experience so many problems.

Allow children to offer solutions! Parents should respect the views of their children. They should also allow the children to offer their own alternatives to different kinds of tasks and activities at home (housework, meals, using the computer, caring for pets, sharing rooms, and all the other points of dispute that can arise at home). We can consider possible solutions to all kinds of conflicts and problems together with the children. In that way neither the children nor the parents will be disappointed. We should try to reach these kinds of solutions and conduct these conversations in case of problems, because this can radically reduce conflicts at home. We might, for example, write down various alternatives and together choose a solution satisfactory for all.

   The situation is very often that parents do not enter into a full dialog with their children; they do not listen to their children’s views. Instead they just issue orders, which may over time make it more difficult for children's willingness to obey their parents. If the relationship between parents and children is not warm and children are not listened to, their motivation in such a situation is likely to be close to zero. It is difficult to increase their willingness to cooperate by dictation alone.

   However, this situation can be reversed immediately if the children get to offer solutions for difficult situations. Often, if children get the opportunity to participate in planning and the solution process, they will be much more motivated to put the decisions into effect. They like to be trusted, they like that we give them responsibilities, and often they will also start to pay attention to others in a whole new way. Solutions made like this are usually longer-lasting because the children have been involved in the decision-making process.

   What does all this mean in the life of a parent, then? We should start to have full discussions with children, pay more attention to their opinions, and allow them to help us find solutions. They are often very willing to change if parents only appreciate their points of view.

REACT PROPERLY TO THE BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN! When the behavior of a child disturbs us or we are not pleased with their behavior, we may react to this in a harmful way. We may become angry, snap at the child, label the child, accuse the child, or act in some other harmful manner. At that time, we usually do not come to think that this is against the will of God, but the next verses indicate that it is:

- (Eph 4:31) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

- (Jam 1:20) For the wrath of man works not the righteousness of God.

What can we do if we want our children to change their behavior? What should we avoid and how should we act when faced with a child’s problematic behavior? We will try to answer these questions below.

Avoid sentences with “you”! When we are correcting the behavior of a child, the first thing we should do is avoid sentences containing the word “you”. When we are angry and use “you …” sentences, we often attack the persona of the child. The impact is negative, because we are accusing the child of something. Often, these sentences include words or phrases that label the child, or cast the child in some negative role. For example:  

- How can you be so nasty? Go straight to your room!

- Why are you always so naughty, don't you ever...

- You are just impossible!

- Stop that right now, you are disturbing me!

- You are late again, why didn’t you come home in time?

- You are like a little child when...

- You should be ashamed...

- Will you never learn to clean up after yourself!

- Never disturb me when I’m sewing!

- Be quiet, or else...

As we noted, “you…” sentences will not lead to anything useful. If negative labels, roles, and remarks about children's character are included, they can easily discourage them and they may feel that they are not valued. It can also lead them to assume the role and stigma given by their parents.

   There can also be another, almost equally bad consequence of the "you" statements. They do not generate a desire for cooperation in the child. If we utter "you" messages, accusations, and constant commands, then the child’s motivation will certainly be lower than it would be if we were to constructively interact with them. When we accuse a child, he or she may fire back at us with their own accusations (Why don't you... - not you either...). Ultimately, the child will no longer want to listen to us or will choose to act in a different way. The child will probably have very little motivation to behave differently, especially if the parent has not cared enough to listen to the child, or give him positive attention.

Ask for help! When the previous paragraph talked about the fact that "you" messages can be harmful, there's also a better way to communicate with children and address the behaviors that bother parents. Instead of attacking the child's personality, we can share our concerns and explain our point of view. We can simply tell them how we feel as a result of their disturbing behavior and explain why we feel what we feel. (Of course, we must have a good reason for our concerns – the child will want to know why the behavior troubles us.) We are, in a way, asking the child to help, telling the child how we feel about their behavior (tired, busy, afraid, worried, disturbed, irritated, etc.). These messages should include the words “I” and “me”. Thus, they are different from the “you” messages:

- I’m scared that you will knock over the pot when you run so near it.

- I’m scared that you will muck up the carpet when you use those watercolors.

- I was awfully frightened and worried when you came home so late.

- I'm afraid of driving the car when I can’t concentrate because of the noise.

- I’m just so irritated when you always bring sand in your shoes and I have to clean it up.

- I’m scared that the baby will be hurt when you carry him on your back.

- I can't kick the ball now, because I’m tired.

- I can’t play with you right now because I must make dinner.

- I can’t sew if someone interrupts me all the time.

- I can’t sleep if I hear loud noises.

- It’s really irritating for me to always have to pick up your toys from the kitchen floor, but I have to pick them up because otherwise I can’t get any work done.

- I’m always nervous in the market when you don't keep still. I can’t do my shopping.

- It absolutely bugs me when nobody comes to eat dinner on time, when the food is still warm.

The benefits from using these “me” messages are many: they do not draw as much opposition as the “you” messages and accusations, because when we only speak about how we feel and present it to the child as a request for help, the child will not consider the message to be threatening. Often – not necessarily always – the child will even be willing to change his or her behavior, especially if they see that their behavior harms others and they see how others feel because of it:

"One night I was very tired and Kaija was troublesome. She didn’t want to go to sleep, only cried and didn’t even lie down. Finally, she was almost hysterical. I went through my entire repertoire of persuading-asking-commanding. I started by saying, “Kaija darling, it’s bedtime, so go to sleep. Lie down and close your eyes and you will fall to sleep.” She only cried and I started to become really angry. “Okay, you’ll go to bed now, no more fooling around!” I raised my voice and at last slapped her on the buttocks and said, “You go to bed now – I’ve had enough!” It didn’t help. She was still crying, I was in despair, and wondered what to do next. Then a thought came to me: Let’s try the “me” messages. I went back to the nursery, hugged Kaija but didn’t take her from the bed. I said, “Daddy and I don’t have much time alone. I’m with you all day long. I’d like to spend some time with daddy alone. In the evenings, we’d like to rest and talk. Sometimes, we like to go to bed early. But we can’t sleep if you cry.” Kaija said, “Mommy, I won’t cry anymore.” This felt unbelievable. Ever since that evening, she has never cried or raged even if she could not go to sleep immediately after having gone to bed. (11)

One evening you said that dinner is ready, but nobody came. You offered an excellent “me” message: “Now I’m really frustrated. I have cooked us a very tasty dinner, and it took me more than an hour, and now I’m scared that it will get cold and be spoiled.” That message got through. I thought it sounded so real somehow, and it sparked movement – to me, it was interesting to see how it affected the children. They noticed that your concern really made sense, and they came. I remember hoping that I was capable of similar “me” messages. You use them more often than you notice yourself. (12)

DO NOT REINFORCE BAD BEHAVIOR BY CHILDREN! Parents can communicate with their children in harmful ways, but they can also reinforce bad behavior by the children. This most often happens without the parent even realizing it. Most often, it occurs in situations where a child pesters the parent for something and the parent does not keep to his or her original decision and gives in to the child. It can also happen when the parent only notices the negative behavior of children -- talking too loudly or having a tantrum, for example – and this behavior is then reinforced.

   Let’s study this subject in the light of some examples, and try to find a way out of these harmful modes of action:

A child begs for something. One occasion during which a parent can easily reinforce the bad behavior of a child is when the child begs for something. It is very common that if the child has asked for something and the parents have answered negatively, the decision is not followed. The original decision may be overturned, because the parents can't tolerate children's crying and screaming. We let the children's negative feelings affect us and thus we change our minds.

   Such parental inconsistency only promotes bad behavior in a child. If a child gets his or her way by continuously begging or crying, it is likely that he or she will repeat the action in the future. The child sees that “no” from the parent actually means “maybe,” and that is why he or she will continue to beg unless we change our behavior.

   There is a simple way to fix this: we must stick to the negative decision we originally made. (This doesn't mean you have to say no to everything. Sometimes the wishes of children and young people can be quite realistic.) If we stick consistently to our original decision, even if the child's screaming and moaning increases at the beginning (it is quite likely to increase), we will usually notice at some point that the child's awkward behavior decreases. It decreases because the child finds it useless to influence their parents' decision in these negative ways.

   This is not always so easy to do in practice, so we should consider some additional tips. The following practical tips may help when a young person demands something:

Ask for more time to think! More time is never a bad thing. If the child asks for permission to go somewhere or get something new, we do not always need to answer “yes” or “no” immediately. Instead, you should ask for more time (minute, hour, day, week...) to think about their request, or that we can discuss it with another adult such as our spouse.

   Among other benefits, this keeps us from making hasty decisions, and when we make up our mind it will be much easier to stick with our decision. It also gives the young person time to think the request through again and maybe come up with a sensible solution on their own.

Don't start arguing! Another thing to consider when a child is making demands is that we should not start arguing. Often when a child blames or scolds us, we become irritable and start defending ourselves ("No I'm not") or continue to make accusations against the other ("You ungrateful rascal"). We may also raise our voice in anger.

   However, a better alternative is speaking to the child like we would speak to our best friend: not with harsh tones or shouting, but calmly. If necessary, we can even lower our voice to the level of a whisper when the child raises his voice. When we speak quietly at first and, if necessary, repeat the same thing even more quietly, it can have a dramatic effect on children:

- (Pro 16:24) Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones.

- (Col 4:6) Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer every man.

Try to understand the child! We should keep in mind that if the children don't get a positive answer to their request, their tantrums may increase and intensify. They almost always increase for a period of time until the child or adolescent realises that they lead nowhere.

   As for these outbursts of feeling, we should keep in mind that they are a normal part of the process and will continue for a while. There is no point in trying to suppress or stop them.  These bad moods will not go away so easily from the mind of a child.  There is no need to respond to a child’s anger with anger of our own because this will do no good.

   Instead, we should try to understand how bad the child feels when he or she does not get what she wants. We should try to step into the shoes of the child in order to better understand their negative feelings and anger. Often when a child feels they are being understood, the largest portion of his or her negative feelings disappears:

- It must be hard for you, when you have such strict parents who do not allow you to go to the concert.

- It must surely be awful for you that your parents are so poor they cannot afford to buy you that new dress.

Begging by using an abnormal voice. We may reinforce children's bad behavior in many ways. This group probably includes habits such as whining, squealing, shouting or using other extreme vocalizations. These negative behaviors were probably taught to the children by the parents. They have not responded to requests made in a normal voice, but only to those requests when the child speaks something in an abnormal voice.

There is a simple way to correct this: the parent should only “hear” requests that are made in normal tones of voice. This usually requires the cooperation of parents and others, because if someone continues to react to the negative way of speaking, the bad behavior will probably continue. We might say, for example, "It's hard for us to hear such requests, you have to speak in a normal voice," and then not react at all. Instead, if the child speaks in a normal voice, parents should immediately show that they hear and respond to these requests.

   The quote below describes how these bad behaviors can disappear if no attention is given to them. The example refers to unclear speech -- not a physical defect but a self-learned habit:

Many years ago, we took a ten-year-old girl into our home, who had previously been placed in an institution for the mentally retarded. Her behavior had some features typical of intellectually disabled people (a limping gait, pressing her chin close to his neck, slightly slurred speech). We worked with her speech for two months by using the “extinguishing method”. We said, “I’m sorry, but I can’t hear what you are saying, Maria.” and then we paid no attention to her whatsoever. When we no longer put our ears to her mouth to hear her speech - as others had done - she began to speak in a normal clear and audible voice. My wife had to have gallbladder surgery, and my mother took care of the household during that time. I was away a lot because of work and hospital visits, so I didn't notice what Maria did to my well-meaning mother. When one evening I saw my mother put her ear in front of Maria's mouth, I explained the situation to her later. After that, my mother no longer reacted to Maria's whispers, and Maria started to speak in a normal voice again. (13)

A tantrum of a small child is a little like talking in a raised voice. That can also be due to the fact that the parents have not paid attention to good behavior, but immediately notice the child's bad behavior and tantrums. For the child can throw a tantrum and throw himself or herself on the floor just because someone reacts to it and notices it. If the child was just alone and no one was there to see, probably nothing would happen.

   This behavior can be changed. The most common way of doing it is overlooking the child’s tantrums and leaving the child alone. (Other options could be that the parents themselves throw themselves on the floor and start throwing tantrums! Or that they ask the child to repeat or increase the problem behavior - for example, to shout louder - as if to observe the matter! Such habits usually bring a new perspective to the matter and remove the reward from it. The child can get tired of it when he notices that he no longer gets the attention he wanted.) If the parents and other bystanders are completely "apathetic" and indifferent to the child's tantrums, the tantrums usually lose their meaning very soon without an interested audience. The child may increase his/her voice and tantrums at the beginning, but if others let him/her be in peace, this kind of behavior will usually stop in time. Likewise, the parents can reward the child when he/she behaves well. It can motivate him/her to behave better and better: 

Sometimes extinguishing takes place by accident, such as in the case of a four-year-old, Markus. His parents were worried about his irritating outbursts of anger. He had a habit of acting up at the times the parents most feared, such as when they had guests at home. The explosion was apt to occur at bedtime if not earlier. (...)

   Finally, the parents were desperate. They had no more tricks up their sleeve. At that point, the parents were one evening reading the newspaper in the living room. They said something that made the boy angry, and as usual, Markus threw himself on the floor in rage. He screamed and smacked his head on the carpet, kicking and waving his little hands. The parents no longer knew what to do, so they did nothing. They just continued reading the paper.

   This was a reaction that bad-tempered Markus was not expecting. He got up, looked at his father and threw himself on the floor for the next show. The parents continued to ignore him. Suddenly, the boy stopped screaming. He went to his mother, shook her hand and started the third show. They still didn't make a move in his direction. The boy apparently felt so stupid lying on the floor that he never repeated his tantrum after that. (14)

Child does not allow parents to leave. One problem, which is of the same type as the previous two, is when a small child insists on being close to his/her parents and won't let them leave even for a moment. It can also be related to the child's strong crying and feeling scared as soon as the parent starts to leave the vicinity or when the child should be left in the daycare, for example.

    However, it is good to note that this kind of behavior is also usually learned, because the parents have given in to the child. The child is not necessarily as scared as it seems, but crying and fear are a means of influencing the parents. They are a means of influence with which the child tries to keep the parents close to him/her all the time.

    Fixing this issue starts with not letting the children's complaints affect us too much. If the child starts crying and yelling when we leave the room or do not go to the child immediately, we can simply confirm our love by saying, “I’m busy right now and if you scream, I won’t answer.” The result of this may be an increase in screaming and crying at first, but when you know to expect it, you should not be confused by it. Usually, at some point, when the child realizes that his/her crying is useless and pointless, his/her tantrums stop.

IS IT WISE TO INTERVENE? When we want to change the behavior of a child into a more positive direction, we can use various approaches. Several of these techniques start with the parents. We can change or improve our way of communicating, and that may change the child’s behavior.

   On the other hand, there may be occasions when we are better off not intervening at all. Sometimes too much strictness, too much attention, too much interference from parents only makes matters worse, or at least fails to improve them. These may include the following:

Less important things. Side issues should not be made the main issue. If parents are too strict on issues such as young people's dress, hair fashion, music, their friends, what it is like in the children's room, in other words, things that have no direct effect on themselves or others, they will certainly not act sensibly. These things are not worth making a big deal out of; especially since parents often have the underlying idea of "What do others think about this", which in itself is a rather bad motive. It should also be noted that many of the above things are only temporary in the lives of children and young people - they often disappear on their own as they grow a little bigger.

   If we react vigorously to these things, strongly disapprove of them or are too strict or bossy, it can lead to exactly what we do not want; children turn their backs on us and drift into things we don't want. This almost always happens when a parent is too strict and presents unfallible. On the other hand, if parents could instead just stay calm, the relationship will likely be much better, and many problems that arise during puberty will more easily pass.

Bad habits. As for many bad habits – children sucking their thumb, biting their nails, wetting the bed and their pants, exaggerating, or other troublesome habits – where parents demand the child to change, many of these habits can be eliminated simply by not paying any attention to them. Several of these behaviors are reinforced by the attention given by the parents. When parents pay attention to these activities and are worried about them, the child enjoys this attention and continues to act as before.

   Therefore, when we start to break these habits, often the best approach is to do nothing. We must give the child an opportunity to take care of his or her problems, and not intervene. Many problems may just go away by themselves without any action needed:

I cannot help but be amazed time and time again how many problems of children can be eliminated merely by not paying attention to them. Common issues practiced by children that can be efficiently solved by using the extinguishing method include, for example, tantrums, begging for new things at the store, exaggerating, continuous pestering after the mother or father has already said no, not letting go of the parents for a second, whining, shrieking “I will never do that”, and interrupting other people’s discussions. These are all habits that are maintained by the attention the child gets from the parents. (15)

Children's schooling. One area where parental involvement is questionable is children's schooling. Very often, they may take unnecessary pressure from it and and feel that it is their responsibility to take care that the children succeed and do their homework diligently. They may have strong hopes for the children to do well and feel they have failed if they don't. Likewise, parents may try to nag and pressure their children to perform better and do their homework well. Sometimes, when children haven't done their homework on time, parents are tempted to intervene and do it for them. They are trying to save them from the predicament they have found themselves in.

    If we have habits like the previous ones, then we are certainly not acting in a reasonable way. Going to school and reading homework is precisely the responsibility of the children, not the parents, because the parents cannot go to school for them. Parents should take care that the children have a suitable framework and conditions at home to do the tasks - that's where their responsibilities end - but the children themselves should take care that they go to school on time and complete their homework and assignments. If they fail, that's between them and the teacher, not the parents. If this order is not followed, there is sure to be confusion.

    The other side of the matter is that if parents pay undue attention to their children's schooling, it can only make the situation worse. Often, it is the child who receives the least positive attention from home or whose "badness" has been compared to other "more advanced" children, who can try to pay for this neglect with their poor school attendance. He may think that it is better to get attention even in this way than not to get it at all. The child may continue to neglect his schoolwork, unless the parents change their attitude.

    Correcting this issue naturally starts from the fact that parents should not interfere with their children's schooling. They should understand the limits of their own responsibility and not interfere in other people's affairs - they must relax in this area. Secondly, parents should strive to show more positive attention - giving time, focusing on listening... - towards the child and young person having problems with school. It is important because often it is the lack of positive attention that is behind the problems.

Harri was fourteen, and for years he had brought home only "avoidables". His parents nagged and warned him that he would not get into any college or succeed in life. They tried to intimidate him into better performances and bribe him to get better numbers - all to no avail. When they realized that parental responsibility only extended to a certain limit and that it was best to let the natural consequences play out, they decided to leave Harry alone. They said to the boy, "Sorry that we nagged so much about your bad grades. School is your responsibility. If you want to do better, fine, but if you’d rather continue like this, it’s your choice.” In the next certificate, all of Harry's numbers were "satisfactory"! What had happened? Harri had unknowingly punished his parents with bad numbers. When the parents got rid of their feelings of guilt and refused to be hurt because of their son’s bad grades, Harri had no reason to do badly. As a matter of fact, he felt bad because of his failure, since he actually needed the acceptance of his buddies and the teacher.  Until his parents' change of heart, however, Harri had been ready to bear the consequences of bad numbers, because he could hurt his parents with them!

   Due to the feeling of guilt, parents take responsibility for their children and prevent them from growing into mature people. The consequences are devastating for the mental health of the parents and take the whole raising to a wrong direction. (16)

When a small child refuses to eat. One activity that often worries parents is their small child’s refusal to eat (this does not deal with eating disorders in young people such as anorexia, which often has a completely different background). They may be worried when the child does not eat enough and may try to solve this problem by nagging and demanding. They may think that it is their duty to get the child to eat properly, and if they do not succeed, they may feel guilty. They may also think that if the child does not eat properly, he or she may fall ill.

   A child’s refusal to eat is, however, similar to a child’s neglect of their own schooling: it is made worse by the attention gained from anxious parents. A child’s refusal to eat is the responsibility of the child, not the parent. Therefore, when we try to get rid of this problem, we should first stop interfering: just let the child be. It is our responsibility as parents to provide food for the children to eat at each mealtime, but the children are responsible for eating. If the child does not always eat his or her meal (you should keep in mind that a healthy person can go up to dozens of days without eating), we should not make a great fuss: just clear the table and do not give any food until the next meal. If we give extra food, “out of pity,” to the child between meals because the child refused to eat his or her last meal, the child may not learn anything from the experience. Usually, at some point, when the child is hungry enough, he or she will eat. After all, we all have a built-in reminder -- hunger -- that will make us eat sooner or later.

The quarrelling of siblings. Quarrelling and bickering between siblings belong to the group of things that should not usually be interfered with. If the relationships between the children are not very poisoned - e.g. due to the parents' constant comparison or unfair favoritism - (If the situation is like this, parents should show individual love and attention to each child: eg. "You are my only John, Shirley, David... - there is no other like it in the world) - these disputes are mostly handled simply by not paying any attention to them.

   The fact is that the quarrelling of children is usually reinforced by attention from the parents. These disputes mostly occur because of the attention they gain, and that is why one of the children – usually the apparently weaker one – might tease the others so that he or she gets the parents to intervene. However, if the parents are not there when the children are spending time together, they may play quite peacefully and in harmony without any disputes; this shows that the quarrels arise only from pursuing of attention when the parents are there.

   The best way to settle disputes is to stay out of them. Do not intervene. If the children come to the parents complaining about each other, the parents must, naturally, listen to their viewpoints, but they should advise their children to take care of their disputes between themselves. It is their problem. Often, even very small children can settle their own disputes.

   On the other hand, if the situation is becoming violent, the parents can command their children to go to their rooms or punish them both. The parents still should not act as judge and ask who started the quarrel and who was guilty because this leads nowhere. The only way to solve this matter is for the parents to keep completely out of disputes and, when children come to complain about each other, advise them to resolve quarrels by themselves:

Our intervening is relying on two false assumptions. Firstly, to the idea that the other child is innocent. The child that seems quiet, weak and innocent has usually cunnsingly irritated the other. In a seminar for parents, the mother of a 13-year-old boy and 10-year-old girl asked whether I supposed that her son tried to attract attention by always teasing his sister. ”Of course,” I said. ”I wonder what your daughter does, then, to make your son so angry?” "Nothing," the mother answered. ”Kati is like an angel.” It's kind of hard for me to believe that any ten-year-old is an angel, so I replied, "Oh no, she's not that perfect!" "Yes she is," the mother stated. "She's sitting next to me on the couch, and Vesa comes and hits her for no reason." Noticing the attention-seeking methods of "innocent" Kat, I replied, "Why is your daughter sitting next to you?" Mom replied, "Because we get along so well." Suddenly mom realized. The room was dead silent. At last she said, "I notice now. Vesa feels like an outsider and needs attention. Kati gets attention by being nice, so Vesa has to get it by being naughty."

   The same mother began to see through her daughter's other "innocent" behavior. When Vesa angered her mother, Kati said: "Leave her alone, don’t disturb her. You're stupid! You always make her nervous!" Later on, the mother told me, "The girl bluffed everyone, because in every situation she was on my side. I always thought that she is a very kind child, and such a pity that Vesa doesn’t have the same good manners. Now I see that she did just the thing that infuriates a 13-year-old. Who would like to hear from his 10-year-old sister what is appropriate and what is not?”

   This family quarrel indicates how difficult it is to find the guilty... If one of the children really were innocent, there would very seldom be any quarrels. (17)

ALSO REACT TO POSITIVE BEHAVIOR AND PROGRESS! When we want children's behavior to change, it is common to try to change it by interfering with bad behavior and giving negative feedback. We only react when something negative has happened, and when the child has been troublesome and misbehaving. Then we immediately notice the child, pay attention to him or her and perhaps say that he or she is being troublesome and disobedient.

    However, there is a better way to guide and influence children's lives: parents should reduce the amount of unnecessary criticism and start reacting to positive things and progress as well as giving positive feedback about them. There are many things that parents can react to and thank the child for. Especially if a child or young person has done something positive or is making progress in something, it's sometimes worth paying attention to it - "I'm glad that you did..." - and at the same time reducing the amount of negative feedback.

    The following types of things are the ones you should react to. You should give positive feedback about them and at the same time reduce the amount of unnecessary criticism. The reward doesn't always have to be verbal. Sometimes it can also be a surprise gift, permission to stay up for one hour longer, a delicious dessert for the child or something else the child likes. They can also act as positive feedback.

- If we see progress or even small changes in behavior;

- If the child has behaved fairly towards another or has acted as he or she should;

- If the child has come home on time, for example to dinner;

- If we see that the child has cleaned his or her room;

- When the child learns a new task or we see progress, such as dressing oneself or eating without help.

- Valuing the efforts of the child, his participation in an activity, or trying.

- Activities that we, the parents, value: “I like it when you are able to play by yourself."

When parents increase the amount of positive feedback and reduce negative feedback, it usually improves the self-esteem of the child more than criticism, and it will also promote positive behavior. The following quote is a good example of what positive feedback can produce at its best:

Maybe Jane had to get into huge trouble at school so that she could test us. When she noticed that we loved her no matter what and that we are ready to support her, she relaxed and her behavioral problems stopped. In spite of that, I noticed that her rudeness and her nagging about the housework made me so angry that I didn’t even want to pray for her. When I told the Lord about this, he said, "Then don't pray for her anymore, just praise me for her." In the beginning it was anything but easy, I can assure you, but as it was getting easier, God showed me that my negative, judgmental attitude towards him was destroying our relationship.

   "But Lord", I said, "there is always something to which can react only negatively or by criticizing.”

   "You can thank me, so thank her as well," he answered. Well, it was even more difficult, but when I exaggerated my thanks and practically suffocated her with my attention whenever she did something helpful, she became much more receptive. Other children looked like quite hurt because of all the unusual fuss around her, reminding me of the older brother of the Prodigal Son. In the meantime, Jane flourished because of this encouragement, and she has become an absolutely magnificent cook and real helper and a pleasure to us, and our relationship is now closer than ever. (18)

USING CONSEQUENCES for bad behavior is one way to affect the life of our children and their behavior. If a child is not acting as he or she should, we can let the child experience some negative consequences. This will reduce the child’s desire to behave in the same way in the future. Usually, this is done in the form of so-called logical consequences and punishment. Let’s study these separately:

The logical consequences. When a child is behaving badly and breaking the rules, one possible alternative is for the parent to order some negative consequence for breaking the rules: something the child does not like, that is unpleasant to the child, and that has some logical connection to the child’s bad behavior. We can assign a consequence for any kind of negative behavior; one that is somehow connected to the bad behavior and that is not unreasonable.

   This method is based on the common belief that the behavior of a person is mostly determined by the consequences of his or her actions. If the consequences are positive, the tendency to continue that mode of action usually increases, but if the consequences are unpleasant then we usually do not want to do the same thing again. On the contrary, we try to avoid repeating that behavior because nothing positive came out of it.

   When we apply this general approach to raising children, we must simply ensure that we occasionally allow the children to bear the negative consequences of deliberately breaking rules set out for them. We should think up some unpleasant consequence to follow an intentionally committed act of disobedience. Usually, this means taking away some privilege or comfort, or offering the child something unpleasant. However, the consequence should be logically connected with the offence.

   This logical method is most commonly used in the following situations, for example:

• If the child provokes too much trouble, is too loud or refuses to stop his or her bad behavior, it is logical to send him or her to “the penalty bench,” to let him sit in a corner for a while. If the offence takes place at home, outdoors, or in a store the child can be sent to another room, or inside, or not allowed to go to the store the next time we go. However, we should always give the child an option: “You can stay if you are quiet."

• If a teen has not come home at the agreed time, one week's house arrest may be a suitable option.

• If the child throws snowballs at the wall of a house, even though it has been forbidden because the windows might break, a good alternative may be that the child will not be allowed to play outdoors for a couple of days.

• If the child has not arrived at the agreed eating time, it is logical that he or she will not receive food until the next basic meal.

• If the child refuses to eat his or her meal, we should not allow the child to have any snacks or sweets until the next mealtime.

• If the child has not washed his hands before eating, he cannot sit to the same dining table.

• If the child does not brush his or her teeth, a reasonable consequence is to stop offering the child any sweets because sugar destroys the teeth.

• If the child is being noisy in the car, we can stop the car and stay there until the child is calm.

• If the child has left his or her belongings in inappropriate places and does not pick them up from the floor, the parent can pick up the things and put them in a locked box and give them only when the child, for example, has helped in the chores for fifteen minutes.

• If the child neglects to do the tasks assigned to him or her, a reasonable punishment could be taking away some privileges, such as eating (cf. 2 Thess 3:10,11) or going out to play until the chore has been done. If the child does not keep his or her room tidy or neglects to take the garbage out, we can, for example, refuse to let him join us at the dinner table.

• If the child refuses to go to school because of laziness, we can forbid him or her the use of the computer or television, and withhold their food.

• If other offences are committed, we can place limits or take away the child’s privileges in the area where the offence has taken place.

• If one child in a group behaves in a disturbing manner, we can sometimes dole out punishment for the entire group. If there are disagreements or quarrels in the group, we can order all the children to leave at once, or give all of them the same punishment. Treating the children as a group stops individual attempts to get attention and eliminates competition between them. Disturbing behavior can often be rooted out in this way. 

• If a child does not do their chores around the house, the consequence might be the loss or reduction of their weekly pocket money. (Children should be allowed to join with parents in making the list of the chores they must do. We can post this on the wall, for example). At that time, the parents and child/children can agree that a certain amount will be deducted for each chore that is not done. If several chores are not done, their whole weekly allowance will be withheld.    

   There are certainly several chores that children can do. A child of three or four years old can pick up toys and things. Children who are a little older can clean their room, make their bed, set the table, and/or take the garbage out. Other tasks that can be assigned to children over the years include washing up, cooking, vacuuming, cleaning, doing the laundry, minding their younger siblings, gardening, washing the car, and many similar chores. If we give the child something to do that is not part of their normal chores, we can pay them a little extra that week.

Love and discipline. Another possible way to show that actions have consequences is to use the twig.  It is true that physical punishment does not always have a logical connection with the offence, but it is still based on the principle described earlier: there are bad consequences from disobedience and intentional rule-breaking. Those consequences are designed to prevent the child from repeating the bad behavior.

   Unfortunately, this method has fallen into disrepute in Western countries, as it has often been associated with child abuse, with which it has nothing to do. There may have been a confrontation between love and discipline, and it may not have been understood that they are different sides of the same thing and complement each other. Often the child himself/herself may feel that if no one in the home supervises and cares about his/her actions, he/she is not cared about either - he/she may experience it as abandonment.

   In some situations, physical punishment can be a good method of discipline. Certainly, it is not always needed. Some children never need it.  However, when we keep in mind certain limitations and guidelines, this method can stop bad behavior. We should keep in mind these guidelines:

• not for children under 1 and usually not for children over 10 years old

• it should happen as soon as possible after the offense itself

• only the child's backside is a good place

• it should not hurt - except it is good for it to produce even a little pain for it to have any meaning

Arvo Ylppö, an esteemed Finnish pioneer of child care in Finland, has stated:

In the upbringing of children, some level of strictness is also needed. There are children who need to be instilled with a little fear and respect for the educator. It does not need to be anything special, just the average motorist’s fear of the police. When you have received a few fines, it teaches you to be a little afraid.

   I suppose that there is no psychologist or child psychiatrist in Finland who dares to say that parents must sometimes spank their children a little. I dare to say that.

   What I mean by this is that if a child intentionally and repeatedly does bad things against the prohibitions, the parents must use strict language, even give a small slap. Even though all this is now considered completely inappropriate, I think I know the essence of the child enough to believe that this procedure will sometimes be necessary. (19)

The next example shows what this method can lead to at its best, if the other prerequisites for a healthy relationship between the parents and the child are met. It can quickly reduce bad behavior or even completely eliminate it:

   Anne was their nine-year-old daughter. She had been very difficult for a little over a year. They had tried everything possible to calm her down, but nothing helped.

   "When you started to speak about physical punishment, we didn’t know what to think. We have never used it. But when nothing else helped, we decided to try it.”

   "First, we told them what it was all about,” noted Priscilla.

   "We told them that as their parents, we had not been acting as we should and that from now on, we would be doing what the Bible says. We explained to them what we expected of them and that if they rebelled or refused to obey, a spanking would ensue.”

   "Well, with Anne it went in one ear and out the other. We had already tried forty-nine approaches with her and for her this was just 'number 50'."

    "Until Jerry told her to help her sister wash the dinner dishes," Priscilla said.

    "Yes. I put her to work, and when it was half done, she left and went out to play with her friend. I brought her back, took her to her room and disciplined her.”

   Priscilla’s eyes sparkled when she remembered this. “You know, reverend, these six past days there has been more love between us and Anne than in the previous six months combined. It is hard to believe. She is like a whole new girl.” (20)

Even though physical punishment can be a good method in raising children, there are other points that we should take into account in addition to the limitations mentioned earlier. If we neglect to pay attention to these and other considerations such as those listed below, then physical punishment will fail.

Neglecting parents. As we noted above, it is not always easy to understand the behavior of children. Sometimes, their bad behavior or tantrums can be a symptom of something else. Perhaps we, the parents, in some way have been neglecting the child. If we have not had enough time for our children and have not been interested in them, this may have caused the bad behaviour.

   We should keep in mind that this kind of a situation cannot be resolved by increasing discipline. In this situation, it will not help and can even make things worse. Instead, a much better -- actually the only way to respond in this kind of a situation -- is to change how we act and correct our neglects. We should try to pay more attention to children, give them time and attention and try to listen to them. If we do this, several behavior problems may go away almost immediately and other methods are no longer needed.

Accidental acts, childishness, or if the child is genuinely sorry. The second consideration, when disciplining children, is that physical punishment should not be used when something happened by accident or was the result of childishness, or if the child expresses genuine regret or sorrow. If we punish a child unfairly, give a punishment that does not fit the offence or keep too-strict discipline in general, we will only cause damage, dishearten the child, and make him or her angry and rebellious. Sometimes, parents may actually first agitate the child into anger and then punish him or her for the anger they have themselves caused! This can happen if a parent acts unfairly or otherwise neglects the children:

- (Col 3:21) Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

- (Eph 6:4) And, you fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Parents vents their own anger. The third bad model of discipline is that we vent our own anger and act in an agitated state. If we act to take revenge on our children and punish them - "I'll show him" - we will only do harm. It doesn't do anything positive because our own anger usually evokes the same negative emotions in children, emotions that usually only increase bad behavior and perpetuate the bad cycle.

   The only correct course of action in such a situation is for us to be free from our own anger. Discipline should never be guided by our own emotions - when we happen to be angry - but by the child's bad behavior. If discipline is based on this principle, it will only happen in the right way. It is important to distinguish between the child - who is loved at every moment - and his behavior:

Parents must be freed from false feelings of guilt as comes to disciplining their children. The atmosphere in our family changed in an instant when we understood something: God requires for you to spank your children when they rebel or are disobedient. I clearly understood that when I had spanked my children, I had tried to bend them to my will. This is why I was inconsistent and resentful, and I had used physical disciplining as the last resort. When I understood that the word of God – not my own anger – defines when physical disciplining is needed, I learned to approach the issue in quite a different way. The important issue was no longer my getting angry with the children but obedience to God. The whole atmosphere changed in an instant, and the children immediately realized this. Spankings were surer, firmer, and rarer. (…) This led way to a new feeling of love that did not concern only obedience and discipline but spread to each nook of the life of our family. (21)

Other options. When bad behavior occurs, there are several ways a parent can intervene, of which physical punishment is just one option. In the following, as a summary and repeat, we will take a look at the most common habits that a parent can use if bad behavior occurs. Some of these habits are preventive, others can only be used after bad behavior; In addition, some ways are more suitable only for certain specific situations. The parent should think for himself which way is the best option in each situation:

1. If a mere look or spoken reprimand is enough, physical punishment of the child is not needed. Often, a look or rebuke is all that is needed to correct bad behavior. 

2. In some situations we should not intervene, such as when the child’s disobedience is maintained by attention from the parents. 

3. If the parents have neglected their children, showing approval and making positive comments can eliminate bad behavior. This is often the best way to prevent bad behavior.

4. Some problems can be solved by our telling our children how we feel: using “me” messages instead of “you” messages and accusations. In this way we do not attack the person and behavior of the child but only address how their inappropriate behavior affects us: “I’m annoyed now because…” We only express why we are feeling what we are feeling.

5. If a child has strong emotions - anger (including towards the parent), crying and tears, sulking, strong fear, etc., one option is for the parent not to try to deny and suppress these feelings, but to put themselves in the other's shoes. Children long for someone to understand how they feel at that moment. If a parent is able to put themselves in the other's shoes - is that how you feel, did I understand correctly... - negative emotions often go away and dilute by themselves.

6. Responding to positive behavior and sometimes rewarding it may eliminate bad behavior. Rewarding can be done verbally or sometimes by giving an unexpected gift.

7. Providing the logical alternative – setting up some negative consequence for bad behavior -- should generally have a clear and logical connection to the offence.

8. Physical punishment can be a good alternative in some cases.

3. Children’s relationship with God

Many parents hope that their children are interested in spiritual matters. They may strongly wish that their children become active in the spiritual life and receive salvation, but they do not always know how they should act. They don't see how they can convey the same things to their children.

   Next, we are going to study this subject. We are going to study, especially, what a parent should avoid and what parents should do, if they want their children to become interested in spiritual matters. All of these things we list are important so that the child does not later turn his back on God.

The power of example. The example we set greatly affects our children’s interest in having a spiritual life. One action often speaks more than a thousand words, and if we do not follow the right principles in our own life or set a bad example - are dishonest, do not love our spouse in front of the children, gossip behind others' backs, break traffic rules or spend all evenings watching TV - is it is unlikely that the children would later value the right principles and spiritual life. On the contrary, they may turn their backs on it if they see our indifferent attitude or even hypocrisy.

       If we show a good example, however – respect other people and pray for them, for example – it can affect children in a very positive way. It will certainly have a more powerful impact than mere requests and advice.

Avoid legalism! Sometimes parents can have a wrong idea about Christianity. They may consider it a set of rules and may therefore make spiritual demands - "you should, you must" - for themselves but also for their children (Compare Is 28:12,13). They may consider God's love conditional and think it depends on how well they have succeeded in life.

    However, God's love is never conditional, but absolute. He is a loving Father through Jesus even when we fall and are not perfect. Likewise, we are saved solely by God's grace, and even after that we are always in God's grace. In fact, the whole point of the gospel is that we receive love that we don't have to earn - it comes through Jesus Christ.

 Therefore, in raising children, it is good to stick to God's love, mercy and care, and not to the demands, which have already been fulfilled through Jesus. We must focus more on the redeeming and merciful side of God and not on sins and faults, because only then will we stay on the right lines:

Many mothers give their children a wrong or misleading view of God. Many times have I heard parents saying to a child, "God loves you if you are nice, but if you are bad, he won’t love you.” This teaching is wrong. God always loves children. We can see that a child who has gotten the wrong kind of idea of God may think, as an adult and when faced with temptations and the wrong tendencies, that this is evidence that God hates him or her. Because God loves the sinner, He is not indifferent to his bad ways. (22)

Respect the opinions of children! It was already mentioned above that parents should respect their children's opinions and views, even though they are not the same as those of the parent or do not please them. Usually, the more respectfully we react to the opinions of children, the more respectfully they will react to ours. They are not so easily dismissive of things that are important to us, if we are able to value their points of view.

    On the other hand, if we judge children's views, their friends, or pay an unreasonable amount of attention to small things - clothes, hairstyle, etc. - this often leads to the opposite and that the children turn their backs on us. This can very easily happen if we are unable to remain calm in these situations.

Reserve time for children! Reserving time and giving our undivided attention to our children is important. This might mean reserving time to play with our children, taking them with us when we do our chores or listening when the child wants to tell or ask us something.

   These actions should always be used in order for the child to feel that he or she is unconditionally loved and accepted. If the child feels this, and the relationship with the parent is also healthy in other ways, the child is much more likely to adopt the models and values offered by the parents.

Apologize! One bad feature in many parents is that they never see their own faults. They may present themselves as perfect and judge others, yet fail to see the plank in their own eye, even though their children can see it. In addition, these parents may be afraid to admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness, for fear of losing every last bit of respect and esteem for themselves.

    However, the opposite is the truth. If a parent defends himself and pretends to be perfect when he is not, it is one of the best ways to lose authority and the respect of children. Children know our faults very well, and if we present ourselves perfect despite everything, then we will become pretenders in their eyes.

    The matter immediately changes to another if we humble ourselves and apologize to our children - e.g. for getting angry or if we have mistreated the children. This is what wins them over better than anything else. When we don't try to pretend to be something we're not, but genuinely admit our mistakes and how we struggle with them, kids appreciate that kind of honesty. In this way they will more easily accept the things that we find important. 

REFERENCES:

1. Ross Campbell, Rakkaudesta lapseen (HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR CHILD), p. 37

2. Jay Kesler, Avaimet käteen (TEN MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE WITH TEENAGERS), p.87-88.

3. Rob Parsons, Tahdon rakastaa, kaikesta huolimatta (LOVING AGAINST THE ODDS), p.60-61.

4. Ross Campbell, Rakkaudesta lapseen (HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR CHILD), p. 48-49.

5. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Meillä on mukavaa (SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY), p. 53, 54

6. Thomas Gordon, Viisaat vanhemmat, p. 91,92

7. Keijo Tahkokallio, Myönteinen ajattelu lasten kasvatuksessa, p. 137

8. Rob Parsons, Kuudenkymmenen minuutin isä (THE SIXTY MINUTE FATHER), p. 61

9. Irene Kristeri, Haavoittunut vanhemmuus, p. 50

10. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Meillä on mukavaa (SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY), p. 123, 124

11. Thomas Gordon, Viisaat vanhemmat kertovat, p. 131,132

12. Thomas Gordon, Viisaat vanhemmat kertovat, p. 132

13. Paul W.Robinson, Kenen käsissä perheen ohjat, p. 141,142

14. James Dobson, Rakastava kuri (DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE), p. 55,56

15. Paul W.Robinson, Kenen käsissä perheen ohjat, p. 140

16. Bruce Narramore, Mainio, mahdoton lapseni (HELP! I’M A PARENT), p.156

17. Bruce Narramore, Mainio, mahdoton lapseni (HELP! I’M A PARENT), p. 162,163

18. Jennifer Rees Larcombe, Minä en parantunut (BEYOND HEALING), p.143-144.

19. Kasvatusviisauden kirja (“Book of wise parenting”), material collected by Janne Tarmio, s. 93

20. LARRY and NORDIS CHRISTENSON, Kristitty koti (THE CHRISTIAN COUPLE), p.103-104.

21. Larry Christenson, Kristitty perhe (THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY), p.139-140.

22. D.L.Moody, Kristinuskon rikkaus, p.88-89.

SOURCES:

Brusko Marlene, Palaako pinna - nuorten ja vanhempien?

Campbell Ross, Rakkaudesta lapseen (HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR CHILD)

Campbell Ross, Rakkaudesta murkkuun (HOW TO REALLY LOVE YOUR TEENAGER)

Christenson Larry, Kristitty perhe (THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY)

CHRISTENSON LARRY and NORDIS, Kristitty koti (THE CHRISTIAN COUPLE)

Dobson James, Rakastava kuri (DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE)

Faber Adele and Elaine Mazlish, Meillä on mukavaa (SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY)

Gordon Thomas, Viisaat vanhemmat

Gordon Thomas, Viisaat vanhemmat kertovat

Kesler Jay, Avaimet käteen (TEN MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE WITH TEENAGERS)

Narramore Bruce, Mainio, mahdoton lapseni (HELP! I’M A PARENT)

Parsons Rob, Kuudenkymmenen minuutin isä (THE SIXTY MINUTE FATHER)

Robinson, Paul W., Kenen käsissä perheen ohjat?

Ruthe Reinnhold, Kun sielu huutaa (WENN DIE SEELE SCHREIT)

Tahkokallio Keijo, Myönteinen ajattelu lasten kasvatuksessa

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